Day 90: Freedom

Finding Freedom in 90 Days is complete today. I have had an interesting and very powerful journey. I have never been in a place in life where I have felt this happy and content. I am living every day for the day itself. I have been searching for freedom on this journey and have found it in several areas. A few thoughts on where.

Freedom has been found in so many areas. Some of the chains I have been freed from I didn't even realize were chains until this journey began. The biggest chain I have been freedom is my dependence on sin. I realize now that true happiness and joy are permanent rather than fleeting. These are feelings that linger in a soul that is in tune with Christ.

So for day 90, I accomplished the following:

I have found freedom and know now to never, never, never give up.

Day 85: Operation Repo

I was watching this show called operation repo tonight. It blows my mind how upset people get when their cars get reposessed. There is an entitlement in america that I don't understand. People feel like they are owed somthing for nothing.

This brings me back to grace. I am amazed at how we as humans are so willing to tell judge whether peeople deserve grace or not. Whether people deserve to keep their car or not. Who are we to judge. Only God knows what someone deserves.

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying

Changes:

I am happy

Day 84: Everything is Spiritual

I have been thinking a lot about my religion and why I am an Adventist. Most of it is because I have been raised that way and I feel like this 90 day experience has really opened up the doors for me to become something better. I feel like this experience has given me the opportunity to internalize the things I am reading and make decisions on religion for myself.

I almost want to abandon religion completely and focus on a relationship with God but I think that church has its place in my spiritual journey. I am not sure what it is exactly but I know I like it. I want so bad to be spiritual because everything is spiritual. If I say that I am not feeling that connection with God then who cares? He created me. I don't have to "feel" a connection. I am connected whether I like it or not. I am a spiritual being because everything is spiritual.

So for day 83, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

Everything is spiritual. I must never forget that.

Day 83: Jeremiah 29. WOW.

I was reading Jeremiah 29 after my run this evening. I was amazed at how God spoke to Him. God had some powerful things to say and they made me tear up.

This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

God is going to do the same for me today. He is going to bring me back from the exile where I have found myself and restore me to life and health. I am excited for this.

So for day 83, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
P90x diet and exercise

Changes:

I am seeing things a little differently recently. I don't know what it is but I almost see things as if they are going to fade away. It seems that nothing is permanent. I don't know if this is because I know this world and life is temporary or if it is because I am jaded and removed from reality a bit.

Day 82: Eminem Spoke to Me

I was running and listening to a song by Eminem and I couldn't help but think that they lyrics he was writing about his friend (fellow rapper Dr. Dre) sounded like words that one would write to God in a letter. I thought it was interesting that God would use anyone or anything to make an impression.

[Eminem]
I told the world, one day I would pay it back.
Say it on tape and lay it, record it, so that one day I could play it back.
But I don't even know if I believe it when I'm saying that.
Doubt startin' to creep in, everyday it's just so grey and black.
Hope, I just need a ray of that
'Cause no one sees my vision
When I play it for 'em, they just say it's whack.
But they don't know what dope is.
And I don't know if I was awake or asleep when I wrote this.
All I know is you came to me when I was at my lowest.
You picked me up, breathed new life in me. I owe my life to you.
But for the life of me, I don't see why you don't see like I do.
But it just dawned on me; you lost a son. Demon's fightin' you, it's dark.
Let me turn on the lights and brighten me and enlighten you.
I don't think you realize what you mean to me, not the slightest clue.
'Cause me and you, were like a crew. I was like your sidekick.....
...

It was YOU, who believed in me....
You saved my life, now maybe it's my time to save yours.
But I can never repay you, what you did for me is way more.
But I ain't giving up faith, and you ain't giving up on me.

So for day 82, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am beginning to pray again which is something I fell out of touch with. I don't know why I did and I don't know why I am starting again all I know is that it is necessary.

Day 81: Softball Pressures

I have recently joined a softball team. I love being on a team again and playing sports. Especially something as close to baseball as this sport is. I have been enjoying being on a team again. The interesting thing is that there is a lot of drinking ans smoking happening all around me and I was worried at first at what pressures could ensue but I have found it surprisingly easy to be around them without the desire to be engaging in what they are.

This team is going to be fun and I am looking forward to it. I don't know what made me do it other than this girl payed for my entrance fee. I am now on the team and am going to make the best of it.

So for day 81, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I have found that the desires of my old life are past. I have no more desire to continue the actions of my past. I have truly broken the chains that held me back.

Day 80: My Sister is Amazing

This is a blog my sister posted today. I am sharing because it was perfect for what I am going through today, letting go.

Sometimes I think we do that. I think we are clinging to what we know is there but isn't where we want to be. We hang in perilous limbo, hating our lives but not wanting to take that leap. We are safe in our minds but whining to God that we want to be somewhere more solid or more free or more interesting but because we can't see the floor, we cling to the familiar and visible and squeal while he says over and over in a language we sometimes don't understand, "LET GO! Your toes are just an inch from solid ground!"

http://andycallie.wordpress.com/2011/05/09/tippy-toes/


So for day 80, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:
I have finally deciided what my next training schedule will look like. It is a half marathon trainikng. wish me luck.

Day 79: Funny

Paper clips annoy me. Once you bend a paperclip, you can never get it back to its original shape. I have an oral fixation and have to have a paperclip or toothpick in my mouth when I am at work. I end up bending my paperclip and then I am just livid that I can't get it back into shape. Especially when it's the last paperclip. Then you have those little boxes that have a hole in the too with a magnet and you fill the box with paperclips and they stick to the magnet. I always try to bury the misshapen paperclip at the bottom of the box but it inevitably finds its way to the top.

I like chewing on the coated paperclips. They have a little plastic cover and you can pull the cover off. I don't know what to do with it once I pull it off. I try to put it back on the paperclip but that is like fishing a tennis ball through a straw because when they cut the paperclip from the long metal piece, it made the ends just a little rugged and sharp.

The point of this is simple. I don't know why I don't just throw the paperclip and its casing away. I guess I feel guilty throwing something away when it belongs to the company I work for. If the cleaning lady found my trashcan full of misshapen paperclips and chewed up sheaths she may get the wrong idea. I don't know what idea she may think but I know it won't be good. She could tell my boss and he will make me pay for my oral fixation and that will get around the office. Embarrassing. Or she could think that I am using them to clean parts of my body.

I would rather just hid the evidence in the little box.

So for day 79, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

Like I said, I have felt content. I am glad I have this exxperience and week to gear up for the end.

Day 78: Content

I wanted to share something to sort of lighten the mood and coincides with how I am feeling this week. I have sort of felt this weird contentment with my current situation in life. I have been happy with the relationship I have developed with this girl. She has been so supportive of this journey and I can see a happy future with her if that is the direction I decide to go.


So here is the video.

So for day 78, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

Like I said, I feel content with where I am in life. This can be good and scary because Paul says to be content in any situation, but contentment can also lead to being lazy and unmotivated. Contentment means that you aren't pushing yourself anymore. It is time to start thinking about my next big challenge.

Day 77: Make Lemonade

There is a saying that goes, "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I don't know the best way to respond to that statement. It is fairly optimistic. Optimism is something I don't necessarily understand. I tend to look at things from the stand point of what could go wrong. I look at all sides of a scenario. I like to see what will happen in all situations. I guess it is a cautious outlook. It is safe to look at life and try to predict the outcome of your decisions rather than making decisions based on emotions.

So for day 77, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:

I have decided to take this week off from P90x so that I can hit the last week hard. I am extremely tired and need a recovery week. Next week is supposed to be that week but I am feeling it catch up with me.
I am going to recover and take her easy.

Day 76: Rain

I was sitting in church the other day and I was listening to our pastor sing a song about how we had been in a drought and needed rain. He was talking about a spiritual desert and needing God to be the rain because the soil was ready for the rain. This song hit me hard. I started crying. God has been working in my life the last couple of months preparing the soil and making me walk the desert. Now, God is going to bring the rain. He is going to nourish my life and I am going to grow.

So for day 76, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am feeling a little twinge of no motivation due to the fact that I am so close to the end. But it matters how I finish. I need to finish strong.

Day 75: It's Not the End

I shared a song with you a while ago and it says that I can play the background. God can take the lead. This statement came to my mind while driving this morning. I want to play the background to God. No focus on me because none of this journey would be possible without Him.

So I have been thinking about what I am going to do after my journey is done. I am almost two weeks from completion. I have been thinking about what happens after I am done. If this journey has really showed me freedom or if I have found it. I have been freed from some things but I don't know if I have truly found the freedom I was looking for.

"It's not the end. It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you going to finish strong?"

So for day 75, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I have accepted the Grace of God. This is one of the first times I have accepted Gods grace in its pure form. This is in my belief, the freedom that I am searching for.

Day 74: I've Said it Before and I'll Say it Again

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

So for day 74, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am losing weight again and noticing a marked improvement in my body. I love the change and am starting to see muscle definition. This is the first time in my life I have thought that it was possible for me to have abs.

Day 73: Hope

Today I was reading Isaiah. I was thinking about running and came across this verse in Isaiah 53? I think. It said that if we hope in the Lord we shall mount up on wings like eagles, we shall run and not grow weary, walk and not faint. I was encouraged by this because I have been discouraged about my workouts lately. I have been tired while running and have had trouble getting through P90x. Not sure why.

The other part of this verse is so encouraging because all it asks us to do in order to have the blessings is to hope in the Lord. That's it. Nothing else is required. I have a hope in my God and a hope for the future. Even if this whole world turns out to be a dream or if Christianity is some phony religion made up ages ago, hope is what will keep me on the right path and give me a better life. If this whole life was a farce, then I have lost nothing, but if I have hope in something and it turns out to be real then I have gained everything.

So for day 73, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I was hanging out with my buddy and his wife this evening. I was telling them about the chains that I have broken during this 90 days and about the chains I have found that I didn't know I had. This whole experience is about finding freedom, not about finding bondage. But I guess if you don't know what holds you back, you can't address it. So I found a new chain in my life. I am going to have to confront this burden and release myself from its grip. It is going to be hard and I am not going to go into too much detail on this one because it is so personal. But a conversation is going to have to take place and I don't want to be condemning. I need prayer on this one.

Day 72: Planning for the Unexpected

Today was a day of contentment once again for me. I woke up and felt alive and energized. I was happy with life. I have finally balanced everything well and have re-prioritized myself. I am able to get things done and have time to watch the Rockies game.

I love sports, maybe a little too much. I have to take a step back sometimes and realize what those distractions I have talked about before are. I have, all too many times, set sports in front of my other priorities just because the timing. I get home and there is a game on so I push everything back a few hours to watch it. I don't like that. I think this is one of my biggest distractions.

I want to have priorities that I want to accomplish. I guess you could say that there are priorities that people want to do and priorities that people need to do. Making your life full of priorities you want to do seems the easy way. Making your life full of priorities that you need to do seems the right way. So when do the priorities I want to do become the priorities I need to do?

So for day 72, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have made my life easier by sticking to plans. I have plans for everything now. I have plans for working out. Plans for eating. Plans for sleeping. Plans for reading. When life gets in the way of our plans then what? This is what I mean by priorities. I have balanced things well but now what? If life gets in the way again will I go through another valley? I guess the key to success is planning for the unexpected as well.

Day 71: Just Listens

What an incredible evening. I found this spot during one of my runs that takes me through the wilderness behind Alamosa. The path runs beside the river and is beautiful to run beside. The run is fairly peaceful and illegal I think because there are No Trespassing signs, but it is a clearly marked path and I can tell people run there a lot. Just off the path there is a little beach beside the river that is sort of secluded. It has willows that guard the beach from view and you wouldn't know it was there unless you went searching for it.

That is exactly what I did the first time I found it. Curiosity led me to it. I would sit there and pray sometimes. The other day I took this girl out there and we started a fire. We sat out there until late and ate smores and talked. It was one of the best nights I have ever had in Alamosa. It was peaceful and calm. We had gotten there just after a rain storm. We talked about the journey we were both on and how God had been infecting our lives. It was nice to share with someone who understands my journey and doesn't judge. Doesn't solicit advice. Doesn't try to change me. Just listens.

So for day 71, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Today, I felt content. This is a feeling I haven't had in a long time.

Day 70: Change my Attitude

Church has been frustrating for me recently. I have been sitting there going through the motions of tradition. This outlined service that we do every week. Nothing new. Nothing unexpected. Just the same routine. I listen to the same prayer and same songs. I hear the "sincerity" in peoples voices but I don't know if I believe it.

I experienced the true reason for church a few weeks ago. A buddy of mine and I have been experiencing some of the same struggles in our walk with God and he has just been inviting me to hang out with him and work out. It has been very encouraging to have friends like him and his wife. I believe this is what church is supposed to be. Friends being there for friends.

So for day 70, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I guess I am going to have to try to change my attitude about church. Either that or try to change church. This is a fork in the road for me because both of these choices are going to take work on my part.

Day 69: Decisions, Decisions

I feel like I am supposed to catch up today but I have been taking it easy for some stupid reason. I am distracted and I have no motivation to continue. I don't know why I go through these valleys and slumps. I wish that I could be focused on my goal all the time but I sometimes fall short. I am going to hang out with this girl tonight and I seem to have to motivation to do that so why can't I have the motivation to read and work out?

I have been doing quite a bit of reading but it has been catch up and I am not getting anything out of it. I am going to have to refocus this weekend and discipline myself. That is what this is all about isn't it? Discipline.

So for day 69, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am going clothes shopping soon and have to keep a close eye on my finances. I need to buy new clothes that fit me but I can't really afford it. So this got me thinking about a career and I have been talking to my dad about running his business. If I do that, I would have to stay here in Alamosa. I don't know if that is a smart move or not but I am going to have to decide. Decisions, decisions.

Day 68: Getting the Feeling Back

Today I began to read Isaiah. It is an interesting book and I don't know yet what to think. I have been getting away from the meaning of my reading. I just read now and get very little from it. I don't know if that is because the reading I am engaging in is more encouragement rather than history. I don't know but whatever it is, I want the old feeling back.

I know that decisions in life shouldn't be made based on my decisions but can I help it? Why else did God give us feelings?

So for day 68, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:

I have the desire to share my testimony for some reason.

Day 67: Positive Influences

Distraction is an interesting concept because it seems I am constantly distracted. But if I am focusing on the distractions then the distractions are really my goal and not a distraction at all but success instead right? I only ask because the reality is that everything I do is a distraction from something else. Whether I am working out to distract myself from the mundane life of sitting on the couch watching TV or I am at work checking my facebook to distract me from the frustration and stress of the environment.

It seems that I am living in a constant state of distraction. Even this journey is a distraction from the negative things in my life. My question is when does life become real? When do I just live a full and honest life with no distractions? When are my intentions, my heart, my integrity, and my will going to be strong enough that distraction never needs to be a part of my vocabulary?

Sol for day 67, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:

My motivation is sort of stagnant. I am finding it hard to continue this experience and keep up with the rigorous schedule. But the difference now has been good friends encouraging me and helping me through. Friends that call to work out with me and ask if I have finished my reading. Positive influences.

Day 66: Still Small Voice

I wondered what the point of life would be if you only had this earth. If you walked this life and had no hope beyond the 80 years that were given to you. If that was the case then what would be the point of following the laws of God? If you had no motivation beyond yourself then why would anyone live a good life? I was talking to this girl the other day. We went and saw the Thorn which is a passion play. It was good and that night she told me that she wanted to give her heart to God.

This whole experience got me thinking about this subject. I had lived my life for myself for so long. It seems almost impossible to live it for someone else. I don't know how she feels. I just started thinking about if I had never met her. Where would she be or where would I be? God has a plan for everything. A plan for everyone. If I hadn't met her and gone through what I did then I wouldn't be where I am. God knew that and used her to change my life. Now I hope He is using me to do the same for her.

I am listening to Forever Young by Jay Z. He uses a line that really hit me. If you are living your life as if this is your only time, as if there is no forever, and if you are living this life as if salvation is not something that you find out if you receive at the end, then "when the director yells cut I'll be fine."

"Life is for living, not living uptight until you're somewhere up in the sky." Jay Z

So for day 66, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying


Changes:

This God of mine is pricking my heart again. You know when you have done things for so long that the feelings of guilt go away and you no longer listen to your conscience? I am getting those feelings of remorse and guilt back. My conscience is speaking to me again in a still small voice.

Day 65: Fat Picture

Stereo systems are taken for granted. I have a stereo system and when I am feeling down I can always pop in a CD or throw on an mp3 and listen to the melodic tunes of Jack Johnson or Mettafix. It changes my mood and helps me cope.

I guess life is full of coping. Especially here in America. We have everything and yet we have nothing. Our lives are filled with so many pleasures and yet we seem very unhappy. I believe the saying, "idle hands are of the devil". I see it in my own life all the time. I feel like I have nothing and I am poor but I still have huge blessing that are overlooked.


I have a skateboard. That may seem trivial but if I sell that board I could feed a child overseas for a year (at least according to the commercials). That is mind blowing. I am not sure I believe that. I used to send money to this kid in Zimbabwe with the floor of my dorm. Each time we got a picture of the kid he had more and more. He was wearing these sweet Nike shoes once and I thought, "jeez, the next picture we get of this kid he will have an ipod and soon he will be sponsoring me to go to school."

"What you need to do is be thankful for the life you got... Stop looking at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got... Unhappy with your riches cause you're piss poor morally."- T. I.

So for day 65, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I have found a picture from 2 years ago when I wanted to start P90x and didn't. It is amazing how large I am in this picture. This is me 50 pounds ago. You will have to wait for the after picture.

Day 64: Just Another Brick

I have been saying "dog" like it was going out of style. I can't help it though. I am not really sure why but it just comes spewing out of my mouth like vomit at an after party. It seems almost involuntary. This becomes less and less noticeable to me as the days go by. I don't even know I am saying it. It has become habitual.

Our lives certainly lend themselves to a habitual nature. Some of us are stronger than others but few of us have the strength to fight off habits. I have heard that you should practice making your life full of positive habits. I beg to differ. When good things in your life become habits they tend to lose their meaning.

Scenario: You are walking along a brick road. This road is long and boring. It passes through middle of the desert. It is hot and you are thirsty. The road is made of red bricks packed tightly together. Definitely the work of a professional. You walk along this road for hours upon hours. You finally come to a brick that is bright blue, like the sky. You notice this brick because it is different from all the rest. There is nothing special about the red bricks because they are all the same but this blue brick seems so brilliant and unflawed even though it doesn't fit. The brick is misshaped and doesn't fit the slot intended for it. You stop to look at the brick in wonder if even for a short time before you continue on. You finally reach your destination: home. Your family gathers around and asks you about your journey. Not much to report really except you saw this one brick on the road that was different from all the rest. "It was vibrant and colorful" you say. "All I could think about was that brick the rest of my journey." "Why is that?" your family asks. "Because I couldn't help but think that I am a red brick. I fall into the same routine every day and follow the crowd. I fit the mold perfectly. I am just a piece in the path with nothing that stands out. I don't want to be a red brick anymore. I want to be a blue brick. I want people to remember me on their journey. I want people to know that I am different and I don't fit the mold perfectly. I am a little awkward and a little different but I am perfect. I am not a creature of habit but a habitual creature. I will make it a habit to be different."

 

So for day 64, I accomplished the following:

 

No drinking

No smoking

P90x Diet

No lying

No dating

 

Changes:

 

I don't want to be just another Christian walking around touting the exploits of Jesus. I want people to remember me on teir journey. I want to make an impact. I don't want to be just another brick.

Day 63: Fate

I don't think I believe in fate. I am not quite sure but it seems that the concept of fate is around for a reason. Faith is something that you believe in because you have hope. Fate is something totally different because fate is something you believe in because you have no control. To me, fate means that something was meant to happen or happened for a reason. I do believe that things happen for a reason in this world but does fate really dictate my life? Am I really that out of control?

I was thinking about God giving us absolute freedom as the human race. If this is true, then did He give us freedom even from Him? I mean complete freedom would mean that we are free even of His foresight right? He knows us and our hearts. He has plans for our futures and plans for our safety. He comes when we call on Him. But beyond these things, what does absolute freedom mean?

So for day 63, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am starting to feel a little out of control. I have been behind on my reading and am trying to play catch up. I want to finish this goal I have set so I will be buckling down in the next few weeks to really ready and finish what I started. I am feeling like this is a choice that I am making. Not like I was predestined to finish. I made a plan and am following through. Is me finishing this task fate or is it completely my choice?

Day 62: I'm Amazed

So for day 63, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am amazed by God. I have changed in my heart and I know that I can overcome any obstacle in my way.

Day 61: Nothing Else Matters

I was reading in Psalms today about how humans are but a breath on the earth. I read about how we are like a flower that grow and then the wind comes and blows us away ans the place where we once were no longer remembers us. We are absolutely worthless. Nothing.

It then goes on to talk about how God's love for those who fear Him is from everlasting to everlasting. That means that God remembers us. He knew me before I was me and will remember me after I am gone. Forever. This is comforting to know. I was planted on this earth and will be gone someday. People will forget my name and this earth will not remember who I was or what I did but God will never forget me and I will see Him again because of His love.

So for day 62, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have refocused on God and his unfailing love for me. I am back in the arms of my creator and no one will ever shake that from me again. A promise I know I cannot keep, but I will never give up on God as long as I live. He is it. Nothing else matters.

Day 60: Letting Go

This is one of the hardest things for me ever. I have been hanging out with the girl that started this whole things and we finally had the talk about how I had to get back to God and finish my journey. I made a commitment to myself and to God and I have let Him down and myself down as well. I lost trust in my God and let myself get distracted. But this journey isn't over. God isn't done with me.

This journey is like an elevator and once I made the decision to embark on building a better life I got on and pushed the up button. Now I may have fallen down in the elevator but it is still going up. I am not quitting and I am not giving up but I need your help God. I am writing this and I can't hold back the tears. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have lost control. I need you God. I need you to pick me back up because I can't do this alone.

So for day 60, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying

Changes:

I took a girl on a date and had a wonderful time. I felt awful though. I felt like I was cheating on myself or this other girl or God. All these things I thought about before the date but I did it anyways. I want this to be in the change column because it is helping me to understand what my weaknesses are. Where God can can take the lead. This is why I had that conversation with the girl. I had to tell her if I was ever going to be successful in life with myself or  ever respect myself then I was going to have to let go. And this is scary. I am worried that because of this I will never get her back. But I have to trust my God. I have to trust Him fully and that is the hardest part of letting go.

Day 59: Gods Plan?

Confusion and distraction. This is what women bring to the table and the reason I decided to keep them out of this journey. I am glad I did but the timing is frustrating. I meet girls that I find attractive and want to get to know but I have to keep them at arms length because of my commitment. I know I said I was dropping that part of finding freedom but who am I kidding. I started this with a goal in mind and I have to stick to it.

It seems so hard for me to focus at times but I am getting my commitments done every day. I am still having to play catch up with my reading and it isnt' easy. Especially with this new shift I am doing. It is from 10-6 so it splits my day in half.

I sometimes wonder if God really has a plan for me or not. I find myself wanting to take the wheel so often and I don't know if it is worth it or not. Well obviously it isn't but the feelings I have tell me I can do it on my own. I hate feeling that way. I want to feel dependent like nothing I do is right without Gods help. That way I will never lose focus, never get off track, never question or second guess. I think Gods plan is to have me trust Him. If I am doing that, then I am following his plan.

So for day 59, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I spent almost four hours at the gym. This seems a bit extreme but I am working hard to try and break through this plateau that I am at. I weighed myself and I am 190lbs. I am about to break into the 180's and I am so excited. I am only 10lbs from my goal. I have the rest of this month to do it. There is a song by Liknin Park where they talk about breaking the habit. "I am breaking the habit tonight." This line is true of me and this journey, it has been about me breaking the habits. I have finally broken my bad habits and have 30 days to replace them with new ones. Gods plan?

Day 58: Fingers Crossed?

I am reading in Psalms. I like Psalms sort of and dislike it because of the speed at which I am reading it. You go through it so fast that all the Psalms seem to blend together and sound the same. "Lord, protect me from that, save me from this, I praise you for these." It all sounds that same. Encouraging stuff but I am going through it way too fast.

I have been working out hard and did Plyometrics. It is a rough workout but then I was in the middle of it and thought, "I only have to do this workout 3 more times and then I am finished!" It was a crazy thought.
I can't believe that I am almost done with this. Only 32 more days. I have only made it this far with the help of God. That is my only explanation.

So for day 58, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I measured my biceps and they are growing. I am starting to notice definition in my arms and body. I am looking vastly different from when I started. I hope to continue this trend and push myself towards my goal. I am sort of plateauing in weight loss but everything else is seeming to change on my body. I want to reach 180 pounds by the end of this experience. Fingers crossed? No, it is a sure thing. When you set a goal and can see the finish line, then you are going to finish strong.

Day 57: Motivation

The days seem to be going by faster and faster. I don't know why or how but they do. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was starting this challenge. So I went over to a friends house last night to discuss the issues I am having with women and dating. I was given some advice that opened my eyes. She told me that if I really wanted something to happen with this girl, then I would tell her to wait. Wait until I finish the challenge I set out to finish. If she waits, then she just may be worth the risk. If she doesn't then there are other fish in the sea. This will sort of be a test to see whether or not she thinks I am worth it.

So I went over to the girls house and we talked about it. I asked her to respect my journey and she sort of blew me away with her response. She told me she had already been thinking about it and she didn't want to get in the way of this journey. She wanted to back off and respect the challenge. I loved hearing that and I very excited. Not that I want her to wait for me or anything, but I I can finish this challenge I presented to myself without distraction. If she is there at the end that I will be very happy. If not, I will still be happy because I can respect myself.

So for day 57, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

My motivation has changed significantly. I used to do things because I wanted to be noticed for my efforts but now I am doing things because of God. He is waking me up, giving me energy, filling my heart with happiness and this is what is giving me the strength I need to continue. Ask anyone who knew me before and they will tell you that I was not the most motivated person. In fact, I was lazy. But with the help of God and my new found joy of life, I am able to find pure, unadulterated motivation.

Day 56: Gearing Up

I took my nephews over to a friends house last night. We all watched Yogi Bear and ate popcorn. It was fun for the nephews but while we were sitting there, my friend asked me if I could read the Bible through with her. I was kind of blown away because this isn't something I expected her to ask. I was raised Christian and have been around people that just thought like me all my life and to have someone that didn't share my belief system ask me that definitely made me perk up. Especially because this whole relationship I have with God is so new. I never knew the kind of influence I would be on people and still have a hard time believing it. I still feel like that worthless sinner that everyone was trying to "redeem" and to be considered a spiritual influence is heart warming.

So for day 56, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am gearing up for the upcoming week because I am hitting P90x hard after my recovery week. So the changes I am noticing are about my eating habits. I have been ingesting more and more food to fuel my body for this workout. It is a month of straight intense workout. I will be hitting this hard and also doing some Bible catch up because I fell behind. Pray for me that I can get back on the right path. Never, never, never give up!

Day 55: Freedom from What?

I am not sure why I care so much about finding freedom. I think I may have found freedom in some aspects but the freedom I have found isn't really freedom at all. I have replaced one addiction with another. I am addicted to working out. I can't just rest for a day. I find it hard to just sit back and take it easy. Now this addiction is good but it is still an addiction right? Isn't this just another thing that binds me?

So for day 55, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

Then changes I seek seem to be freeing me from sin but binding me to Christ. I am not sure what kind of freedom I am searching for but I don't know if this is it. I am searching fro freedom but from what?

Day 54: Every Mans Battle?

I am not sure what every mans battle might be but I know that I am a man and I am in the midst of a battle. I have always dated girls know the outcome. Usually we would begin dating at camp or at school and I knew that inevitably, the relationship would end because of the situation. Long distance is never good in a relationship. Well, now I am in hot water. I have interest in girls but the situation is much the same. I am going to leave and the relationship will end. I think it was a good idea to not date for finding freedom but I am at the point where I want to get to know someone and find out about them. I like the company and enjoy the journey. So I am leaving that part of finding freedom behind.

This journey has changed in the last 54 days. I have discovered so much about myself and about what God means in my life. I don't think the journey is changing at all. I think it is improving. I believe God is leading my life now and I believe that if I pray and move forward then I am living Gods plan for my life. Every day I put my life in His hands and that will bring me freedom.

So for day 54, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I feel like such a bum because this is my recovery week from P90x. I was supposed to have another one but I blew right through it. So I am trying to take this one more seriously so I won't get burned out. I have a month of intense workouts coming and I want to have the energy to do it. I am also going to be hitting the New Testament in my reading. I am excited about the New Testament. So I am gearing up this week.

So the changes that I am noticing are that I am addicted to working out. If I don't do it, I feel so lazy and rediculous. I am noticing a large amount of muscle mass and I am excited about the physical transformation. I have improved in all three areas I set out to improve. Mental, physical, and spiritual. Physically, I am more fit and healthier. Mentally, I am thinking clearer and thinking things through. Spiritually, I am giving every day to God. Through these elements, I am finding freedom.

Day 53: From Walls to Speed Bumps

I recently read a passage in Psalms 16. David is talking about how he has found strength in the Lord and I find this passage pretty amazing. It gives me some perspective on the gravity of finding freedom in 90 days. The importance of being grounded in something solid. The Psalm says, "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I WILL NOT be shaken." That is so powerful because it so real. So true. When God is on our side then the battle has already been won. No matter what event comes up in life, no matter what trial is before me, I will not be shaken.

So for day 53, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying


Changes:

The fact that I can look at my life with a different perspective then before seems to give me some light. Being able to look at obstacles or trials as only speed bumps instead of brick walls. Hopefully, I will be able to view them as sidewalks at some point in my life but for now, I know that I may be slowed by my sins, slowed by my decisions, and slowed by my mistakes but I am not going to stop. I am turning walls into speed bumps.

Day 52: Rest

It is when you are at your most vulnerable that you learn the most and gain the most. Tonight I had a little taste of what got me into this mess in the first place. I had begun to hang out with the girl that was the catalyst for finding freedom in 90 days again. Her and I were talking and she made some serious promises about her intent and her commitment. It was all interesting to hear and I was receptive though guarded. Obviously. Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back. Tonight, we were talking on her porch and a guy drove up. He walked up to us and asked us what was happening. I wasn't sure what was happening so I didn't answer. But apparently there was something between them.

Remember in my first blog when I talked about how she left me for her ex? Well, this is a different ex and they were talking again I guess. So in some ways, he is in the same boat I was on January 1st.

So here I am, completely vulnerable and tired. Tired of the games, tired of the lies, tired of the hurt. I am just tired. I guarded myself this time for a reason. A good reason. I can't say I am shocked or surprised. I am just tired. Really, really tired.

So for day 52, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

This time its different. The hurt is replaced by absolute love. God's love. And I know that because of Him that I have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. God's got this. And with that knowledge, I can finally find rest.

Day 51: Lost

Women are gonna be the death of me. I have sort of put things on the back burner this week because I have been hanging out with this girl. I am not sure why or if it is a good idea. I am a little frustrated with myself because I am breaking the commitments that I made. I have some decisions to make. God isn't going to leave me and that is a comforting feeling.

I have been slacking on my Bible reading and I have a recovery week for P90x so I am struggling to find the strength or motivation to continue. I have to get my head out of the clouds and come back to reality. I am not sure how to do that but I am sure that God has the answer and can lead me to it.

So for day 51, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I don't notice many right now. I am lost.

Day 50: Calloused

So for day 50, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No Lying

Changes:

I am noticing that I am becoming more and ore calloused to the problems in my own life. I am feeling like I am losing control of the feelings I have and am unable to utilize them to help me make decisions. I don't know why God gave us feelings but I am having a hard time processing them.

Day 49: Where do I go from here?

Where do I go from here? I have accomplished so much and have now broken a rule I made. I said I will not be dating and I had a date last night. I allowed it to happen and am having a hard time feeling bad about it. I just don't know where to turn. I feel very disconnected right now and unsure of what I am doing. Our pastor showed us a video in church that was very inspiring because it is exactly what I have been going through. Before, when I would make mistakes, I would have no earthly friends to rely on to help me make sense of my stupidity and help me back on the right path and now I do. This video represents that. It talks about how geese fly in formation to reduce drag and create uplift for the bird directly behind them. If on goose gets hurt and has to land, two other geese will accompany it until it is back to health or dies.

So for day 49, I accomplished the following,

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am starting to feel the urge to abandon parts of my journey and I need to reverse this thinking.

Day 48: Reverse

I want to show a video for today that really blew my mind.

So for day 48, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have been blessed by the fact that others around me are asking questions and I have the opportunity to share.

Day 47: Pray and Move Forward

Job is a great book so far. Job thinks he is so righteous and upright and God is now speaking to Job. He is speaking to Job in a storm and he tells him that He is in control. Not Job. He is the one who holds everything in place and who is Job to question that?

I am struggling with that a bit right now. If God is in control, then why do bad things happen and people on this earth have a miserable existence. Why does life seem to come down to chance? If God has a plan for every persons life then how can some peoples lives look so miserable? I complain a lot about the bad things that have happened to me but they don't hold a candle to the cards others were dealt. I have been looking too long at what I don't have instead of what I do have.

So for day 47, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am starting to get a lot of attention from women. I don't know how to react to this or what to say. I had a girl from the bank slip her phone number in the deposit tube when she sent my receipt back. What make is harder is she is beautiful. I mean really pretty and I have always thought that. I have made this commitment and I don't know how to react to this or handle it. The girl that started the whole experience is being much more friendly ans is asking me to do things with her outside of work and I don't know how to handle that either. I guess I just have to put it in Gods hands. If you pray and give your day to God then what more can you do? Pray and move forward.

Day 46: Chains

This whole experience is about finding freedom and I still don't know where to look. I sometimes think I have found it and then I realized that I am chained to my humanity. Every day I think about this girl. Chain. I find myself coveting a better life. Chain. I find an old habit that holds me down. Chain. I leave God at the door. Chain.

Chains bind us. Plato wrote The Parable of the Cave. It was about humans that were chained in a dungeon facing a wall and the only thing they could see was shadows of the world behind them. They never had a true picture of reality. They were bound to their world of make believe. I often get caught in this world. I even get to the point where I believe the world I have made for myself is reality.

I want so bad to break those chains. I want to be free of my human condition. But even Job pleaded his innocence before God and could not be found blameless because of that human condition. We are born to sin and will forever be sinners. That is the human condition. We are sinners. Period. The only way that we can never be free of those chains is to accept the grace of God. I don't exactly know what the freedom means but I know that I want it with all that I am.

So for day 46, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have a tough time digging through all the junk that is still in my life and finding something pure. Days like today remind me that I am nothing and even though I have made huge strides mentally, physically, and spiritually I can not take credit for this success. I am such a selfish person that I want to boast about the things I have done. Even this blog seems selfish to me because I am putting this out for everyone to see when it is my cross to bear. I sometimes look at the page views and get excited or I think about what inspirational words I am going to write that day. How selfish. Chain.

Day 45: Midway

I am half way through the 90 days today. I can't believe that it has been 45 days already and I can't believe the changes. I have some before pictures I am going to post today as well as midway pictures I took to show the physical transformation. I am wearing black in both pictures so they will be somewhat representative of my weight loss. The before pictures are me at 234lbs. The midway pictures are me at 195lbs. I still have 15lbs to lose to reach my goal before summer.

Today I am reading Job. Like I said yesterday, that guy went through the fire. Today I felt so happy. I knew that nothing was impossible with Gods help. I mean yesterday I said it and today I lived it. I had one of the best days I have ever had. I am happy when I get to share days like these because they seem to break the negativity up a bit. I want to give God all the credit because this wouldn't be possible without Him. Without Him, I have already lost.

So for day 45, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am feeling more energy and reached a pivotal weight loss goal. I am now 195lbs and counting.

I am also encouraged by the experiences of others. I feel like God has big plans for my life and today He proved it. I have a friend who is struggling and I was running by his house and just got the urge to stop in. We talked for a while and prayed at the end. I left his house feeling very encouraged. I have looked up to this guy my whole life and he has been a positive influence on me and now I am able to return the favor. I feel so blessed and happy that God has used me for good.

Before:

Midway:

Day 44: It Hurts So Good

I just finished reading Esther and began Job. Wow, I love the first few chapters of Job. I relate to that guy in so many ways and not at all. I feel like we are both being tested but I think Job had it way worse. He lost everything he loved. I mean everything. Now, I have faced loss but not like that and I don't know which kind of loss is worse. I lost someone I cared about but not to death. I lost them and still had to see them every day. It was a loss because of rejection. That kind of loss hurts. I don't know what kind of loss Job felt but I think it may have been similar. He felt like God was turning His back on Job. That would be a scary thought and very painful.

I wish in so many ways that I could be like Job. He trusted God in the darkest of times. I feel so weak sometimes because I lose that trust and try to do it on my own. If I can do all things through Christ, then I can't do anything without Him. I mean sure, I can feel momentary success in this selfish life, but alas, a moment is all I can have. In the end we all have to make choices. We all have to decide who or what is going to guide our life. And if the decision is that we ourselves will take the reigns then we have already failed. But if that decision is to have God lead our lives, then the race doesn't have to end. We can run for eternity and know that no matter what happens, we have already won.

So for day 44, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have noticed a big change in the way my body is reacting to my food intake. I am eating more then I used to and losing more weight. I think it is because the amount of meals I am eating keeps my metabolism working throughout the day on top of all the calorie burn. I weighed myself yesterday and then again today and have lost 2 more pounds. I am shriveling away to nothing.

I have a hard time making it through workouts sometimes and on a small level, the workouts are representative of this journey as a whole. This journey hurts. It hurts to leave behind the things you once loved and move on to something new. It hurts to face the pain of rejection every day. It hurts to know that things will never be the same. It hurts to change. But just like my physical well being and the changes that are happening in the body, you have to feel the pain to get results. I am feeling the pain and let me tell you, it hurts so good.

Day 43: Faith

I find it hard to focus on God when your mind wanders elsewhere and you get caught up in the daily fantasy of a better life. I find it interesting that I all too often will dream of something better and distant and don't know how to get there, but then I snap out of it and realize that if I have my sights set on God and His plan for me, then the future doesn't seem so distant and those dreams are a little bit more like reality. I think God gave us the ability to dream so that we could have something to strive for. I believe God wants that for us. But more than anything, God wants us to rely on Him.

The reason I bring this us is because I found myself dreaming about the future today. I was worrying about where I was going to go after camp and what school I was going to attend, if I could get into law school, where I was going to live, how I was going to survive financially, how things will turn out with this girl, what happens after I graduate. All these things flooded my mind and consumed my thought. I was feeling pretty distraught with worry. But then I snapped back to reality. I was not in the future yet. I was running. Running a long ways. I was running my first 10k and the whole time all I could think about was what was going to happen. I pulled out my headphones and prayed to God to take the worry and the rest of my day was filled with thoughts of the here and now. Live today for today.

So for day 43, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating
And my first 10k run!

Changes:

My energy levels are off the charts. I am happy that I am living every day for the treasures of that day. I have loose plans for the future and I will pray and move forward but if God has other plans for me then so be it. God will guide me. This is a change that I am still getting used to. It is trusting in God when it seems hard to believe in God. I feel a little like the Israelites in that I still have trouble trusting the unseen. Faith, it is a tough lesson to learn.

Day 42: .....God

I was watching this DVD this morning called How Great Is Our God. It is by Louie Giglio. He is a Christian speaker and very inspiring. It was amazing to listen to this talk though. I have heard it several times but missed most of it for some reason. I was watching it this morning and it finally clicked with me. I don't know what God is doing in my life or why I feel so alone but this talk seemed to spark something in me.

I have been slapped in the face again and snapped out of my daze and dream. God is so much bigger than me and I am so insignificant. I don't matter at all and sin has made me think I am important. Sin has blown up my head and given me an ego. After watching that talk, I don't know how anyone could turn their back on God. I don't understand how God take s a back seat in any one's life! I mean He just spoke and created everything including me. I would not be here if God had not made me and formed me. I owe everything to God. I will never turn my back on Him knowing that I am nothing without Him.

But the cool thing is, I am everything with Him. I am important with God and I do matter with God. So do you. With God, you matter. You are important. You are special. You do have tiger blood (ha). And God did find us special or else Christ would not have died for us. Today I am humbled and blown away at the greatness of my God. The God I choose to serve because the only life outside of Christ leads to death and the only life inside Christ leads to eternity.

So for day 42, I am going to accomplish the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No dating

Changes:

I have been thinking about this girl a lot and I am not sure why. I don't believe that I will ever get back together with her but I think that God keeps putting her in my mind because I have an opportunity here. I have never been a positive influence in my life or felt like one at least. I feel like this is a chance to be that influence. I wish I knew the feelings I was having but this is the best I can explain it.

I want my friends, family, and people I care about to............. God.

Day 41: True Power

There is a saying in the new Robin Hood movie that intrigues me. It says, "Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions." I have always wondered where this notion of power comes from. I feel like the lion is the symbol of power in the animal kingdom but with humans, what symbolises true power? Money, fame, strength? I have been working out a ton and getting more and more in shape every day. I feel stronger but I still feel sort of emasculated. I feel like I am not a man. I don't know why this is but the feeling seems to grow when I am around this girl.

I feel like that rejection has set my mind on searching for true power. God never asked me to be a fighter or asked me to put on brave face. He never wanted me to show strength of body or be a millionaire. He made me to show He cares. He made me to show that true power doesn't come through self but the power of Him through me. Everything that I am is because of Him and if I give up on me then I am giving up on God. I am saying that God can't do it. But God can do it, and God will do it. God doesn't make mistakes, doesn't get tired, never gives up, and pushes me to finish.

This race is long and hard. Sometimes it seems impossible and sometimes I can't see the end. But God's got this. He is carrying me and I know that when I rely on Him, NOTHING else matters. I am forever in His care and from this comes true power.

So for day 41, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am going to show a video that truly inspired me.

Day 40: Minerals

I don't know how Jesus felt when he was being tempted after 40 days in the desert but I know this, temptation has been knocking at my door and I am having to dig deep to overcome. I got invited to a party on Saturday, I have been getting along with my boss, and I have been tempted to abandon this whole project because I feel pretty good. When things are going well we have a tendency to turn aside from God and think we can do it on our own but really it is the exact opposite.

I will liken this to an economic theory. When the economy takes a down turn, people generally begin to hoard their money and save it which is the exact opposite of economic stimulation. The economy is stimulated by purchasing. When the economy is good people spend more than they should and don't save. People should save when times are good and spend when times are bad.

Just like this analogy, I need to building up my "God" reserves so that when hard times come, I have enough to survive. I am only human. I have struggled this week because of this. I have not read in like three days, I got sick, everything seemed to be working out at work, and I have just struggled to keep on track. I know these don't seem like issues at all and some of the list is positive, but that is where the struggle is. I seem to be losing the connection while things are good.

So for day 40, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Like I said, I am losing the connection. I want so bad to get back on track like I had to do during the first month. I need your prayers and I need to have the strength to stand and make things better. I have to rely on God. Sometimes I feel so emasculated that a woman could have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am so determined to finish this thing but do I have the minerals?

Day 39: Are You Who You Want to Be?

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns. Roads followed and abandoned. People always ask me what I am going to do with my life and I often don't know what to tell them. I have loose plans on what I want and where I want to be but, I can't get too attached to these ideas because they may not become reality. I guess it is a way of buffering myself from disappointment. I erect this wall of security all too often.

I have heard that the only way to get what you really want in life is to break through that wall of security and free yourself from your own withholding. I have yet to experience this on any real level. I am sure I have gone after things that have been relatively easy or simple (not talking about women here) but even then I am not really free from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess what I am driving at is that I have reached a pivotal point in my life. I am on the crux of something big. I have to start making decisions that are going to better my life and not hinder it. I have to break that wall for good. And I want that with all my heart.
So for day 39, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I want you all to have the same desires. I want you to go out and break your wall of security. There is a song by Switchfoot in which they say, "this is your life, are you who you want to be?" It is such a great line and it is something I have to ask myself every day now, this is my life, am I who I want to be?

Day 38: Can Love Arise out of Freedom?

I thought I would share something simple tonight. I am fairly tired after my p90x and run today. I am also not getting enough sleep for work. This is something I posted on my other blog a while age. It deals with freedom, feelings, love, and choices. The exact things I am going through right now.

The fact that humans make decisions based on feelings proves that God exists. Any other member of the animal kingdom makes decisions based on logic and survival but humans are programmed a little different. Logic and reason guide our lives to a point but there are times in our lives that we makes decisions based on feelings. We decide to take a chance on these feelings knowing that the logical decision will take you the other way. This is what makes being a human so difficult, and so much fun. Unlike the animals, we make these decisions and grow from the mistakes or are blessed by the chance we took. Somehow, the God of all the universe, the One we created Everything, knew that we would make mistakes before He created us but did it anyways. He wanted to prove to all creation that out of absolute freedom, some of us would take a chance, a leap of faith if you will, on love. He wanted to prove that love could arise out of freedom. He wanted to show everything He made that though we are sinners, we are also a race that can choose something that seems so illogical because we are following a hope. We are a race that can experience pain and it only makes us stronger. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Whoever said that was inspired. They understood that we are the only world that experiences pain. But with the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour. That pain only shows us how great life can really be. If you don't know pain then you can't really understand joy. Absolute joy is the inverse of pain. I am glad I have a God who took a chance at love in creating us. Absolute freedom. I choose to love because of that freedom. Life may hurt at times but I am grateful for that pain. Because of it I can truly know the depths of Gods love.

So for day 38, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am hoping to keep up the weight loss and be down to 180lbs by the end of this experience. I am finding it easier to motivate myself if I have someone there with me. We work out together and it is encouraging. Just having friends there looking out for is for sure a Godsend.

Day 37: Feelings

I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.

I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings.  My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.

It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.

So for day 37, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.

I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.

Day 36: It Matters How You're Gonna Finish

Today, I hod so much energy. I went for a run, did p90x and still felt like doing more. Unfortunately, I pulled a calf muscle so I couldn't continue but I am feeling so energetic. The weight is just falling off now. I was 199 last week and have already lost 2 pounds since then. I am just losing weight hand over foot. I am feeling so good and loving the changes that are happening physically.

I am also enjoying the changes spiritually. It is hard to gauge success in your spiritual life. I have to keep looking back (not something I enjoy doing usually) to see where I have come from. It seems that every day I am asking God for help. I remember two months ago when days would go by without me even thinking about God. Now it consumes my life. I care much less about what others think of my new found desire for truth, peace, and freedom. They may or may not understand, but like I said yesterday, nothing else matters.

So for day 36, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I know I have talked about this before but I sometimes find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I want to continue this experience and I feel like this 90 days is allowing me to plan for my next 90 days. I have to develop a plan but I also want to finish these first 90 days strong. There are times during this experience that I feel like giving up but I know that God has other plans. I honestly couldn't have made it this far without the help of God. I shared a video a while ago about a guy with no arms and no legs. His message is so powerful that I am gonna share it again.

"It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you gonna finish strong?"

Day 35: The Only Thing that Matters

I was awakened from my afternoon nap by a bunch of screaming kids with their parents in tow funneling into my apartment for snacks a break from the harsh winds outside. They had all been at the park earlier that day. Church friends mostly. They all began to eat and talk and I came out of my hovel to join the conversation. We all sat down and one of the guests began to play the guitar and sing. We all joined in and sang with him. He then asked us to share what had happened to us this week. I began to tell them the story of my week.
Everyone was very encouraging and prayed over me when I was finished. They had heard about my struggles with this journey, the boss, the workouts, the diet. All these things are putting me through the fire and I am in desperate need of their prayers.

I don't know why I say or do the things I do sometimes, but what I am realizing is that I am gonna go through this experience and come out the other side just as human as the day I started. I have so many desires in life and they are all melting away the more I put my trust in God. I want to put God on the forefront and not let anything in this world phase me. Even my own mistakes. I don't want to be inhibited by my human limitations.

So for day 35, I accmomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I had a fight with the girl last week. Everything seemed to be going really well and then it all fell apart. I ruined things and any chance of getting things back on track unless she forgives me. I can't believe I am still so selfish. But I am putting this in the changes section because it is something I cannot change. That is the realization that I am coming to, why worry about the things I cannot change. I have apologized. what else can I do? It is now out of my control. I am genuinely sorry for what I said and have to live with that. If she doesn't forgive me then I understand.

I am learning that God is the only thing that matters.

Day 34: Grace and Love

Just began 2 Chronicles today. It is quite the read. It starts out with Solomon asking God for wisdom. I know books have been written on this prayer but it truly is amazing. God basically tells Solomon to ask for anything he wants, anything at all. Now, when I heard this when I was young, I used to think of God being like a genie. He popped out of a lamp and gave Solomon one wish. Obviously not true but the principle is the same.

Solomon asked God for wisdom and knowledge so he could govern his people right. This pleased God. He was happy that Solomon had asked for this. I want to have the heart of Solomon so that I can truly want wisdom above all other desires. I want to be able to discern what is right and what is wrong.

This blog is all about finding freedom. I am still bound to this earth by so many things. I wish I had the heart of Solomon. I wish with all my heart that I was free from this world and all my evil ways. I wish I didn't still make mistakes that I have to ask God to forgive me for. I wish that I could be as wise as Solomon, but here is the conundrum, even Solomon made mistakes in all his wisdom. So where can I find true freedom?

So for day 34, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am now a few pounds under 200 and I am realizing that I still have a long ways to go. But if I keep up the weight loss throughout the next 50 some days I may reach my goal of 180. I am excited about the prospect of that happening.

I prayed while running again today. This song kept popping into my head and I am not sure where to find true freedom but this song sure helps me gain some perspective.

Day 33: Mistakes

I made a big mistake. I went to lunch with my boss to talk out some of our differences. We talked for a few hours and resolved a lot of issues. I am glad we talked glad we worked through our issues. I felt like working together might not be so bad after all. I was going to work on my response to her requests so that there wasn't so much tension.

Well, everything seemed to be going well she asked me why I had done something the way I had. I had just walked in the building and was still on my break and I kind of felt backed into a corner because the question was coming at me so quickly. I immediately reverted back to my usual response of defense. I said, "nothing I would have do there would have been right!" This was not the right thing to say. I have just been so used to responding that way for so long that the response was just ingrained.

I apologized over and over again and felt sick for putting us back where we were instead of making progress toward resolution. You can only apologize so much. Words are empty without action so I have made a resolve to always think before I respond. I am going to show my efforts instead of talk about them. It is time to get things right.

I prayed about this and put it into Gods hands because beyond the efforts I am going to make to change, what control do I have? It is out of my hands if she doesn't accept my apology. I am only going to worry about the things I can control instead of the things I can't.

So for day 33, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No Dating
No lying

Changes:

God is reminding me every day that He is in complete control. I was talking to my mom yesterday and thought about Gods plans for our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what His plans for you are. I am living today, not tomorrow, today. As long as I can put my trust in Him everyday, then He is the one guiding my actions and thoughts. That is his plan. And when I am in Christ, He always works out my mistakes.

Day 32: God's Got This

Today is bittersweet. It is the last day I have to work the closing shift. I am glad to be done with it but at the same time, I am not all that excited about going back to mornings. It is just another schedule change. I must begin working with my boss again. I am sure it will be fine because I put the situation into Gods hands.

I went to the gym today and weighed myself on the professional scale. I have finally broke 200lbs! I am 199. That gave me a boost of energy so I had a great workout today. I am loving the way I feel and the fact that I sleep well. I am just enjoying this experience. Today as I was walking out the door to go to the gym, my buddy stopped me and asked how I was doing. I could tell by his tone that this wasn't just a question you ask in passing. He was truly asking how I was. I just began to pour out this journey to him and told him how I am beginning to feel. Besides all the positive things, I began to pour out my struggles. I realized during this conversation that I was beginning to bury those struggles and not sharing them was hurting me.

He continued to listen and as he encouraged me and listened I kept thinking about how I could encourage him back. I was about to get in my car after sharing a bit with each other and he stopped me. He said, "I see that you are about to go to the gym but I want to pray with you first."

I feel so blessed to have people that are willing to pray for me and care about me. I don't understand why God cares about me so much to answer my prayers. This morning I prayed that God would show me what to do and he sent this friend at just the right time to pick me back up.

So when I got back home I went for a run. At the end of the run I asked God to speak to me. He told me once again, "Josh, I've got this. I will be with you." I still don't want to know why God cares for me so much but I know that He has got my life in my hands. I am still in this desert and I am still wondering aimlessly but I am no longer doing it alone. God's got this.

So for Day 32, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is melting my selfishness away. I am learning that I cannot survive not even one day without His guidance. I have a connection that I have never had before. I know that there is no obstacle to great for me to overcome and I know God is with me. When I encounter struggles I look at them differently. "This too shall pass." Learn and grow.

I want so much to be the person I was made to be, and I hope to find who that is on this journey. I still have so much work to do and will always be working on myself, but now I know that I am making true progress in discovering who God intended Josh to be.

As I am writing this, I am overcome by the Spirit of God and feel empowered. Tears are streaming down my face because I have accepted Gods'  Amazing Grace.

Day 31: Pray for Me

Today I woke up with intestinal issues. I haven't felt that good all day and I was extremely tired and sore. I laid around most of the day, read my Bible, and decided not to work out. I have been hitting it doubly hard and am going today's P90x tomorrow and skip tomorrows (yoga). I have been frustrated with things at work lately and need to just hand it to God.

I am reading Chronicles and it is describing the life of David and I thought I had read it already but didn't know that the Bible gave multiple accounts of David. Samuel and Chronicles both describe his life. Reading consumes a lot of my time and my life. I have put my studies on the back burner and I need to get back into the rhythm of studying regularly. I am going to start tomorrow. I am going to have to wake up early and study. My schedule is shifting back to mornings and I think that will be good for me and the progress of my journey. I need to finish this class and begin the next journey.

So for day 31, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dating
P90x Diet

Changes:

I am down to 202 lbs. I have been trying to get under 200 for like three weeks now but it seems like I am finally overcoming the plateau. I look forward to being under 200 but according to the BMI, I am still considered obese by traditional standards. I will mame whoever invented that "healthy" scale.

Pray for me friends. I am going to have to go through some trials the next few days. I have to have your support in this. I am having discussions with my boss about work and am getting checked off for my new closing shift. Once I am approved, I will get a raise and I need to get checked off. But like I said, I God to do it.

Day 30: 33.333333333

Today is a day for the record books. I have been doing P90x for 30 days straight and reading my Bible for 30 days as well. I finally get a break from the Bible (not that this is a good thing) but reading generally tires me out. Today is a "rest" day from reading but I read anyways. I also did Plyometrics. Phase 2 of P90x is a little more intense but some of the workouts are the same like Plyo.

My boss and I got into a confrontation today and I came home to work out my rage (frustration actually but rage makes it sound cooler). I was pretty upset while working out. I had texted her and apologized for my argumentative spirit. I should have just listened to her, but alas, I have too much of my mother and father in me to back down. So while I was working out, I kept thinking about it. Then my nephews walked in and began to jump with me (plyometrics is jump training). They were smiling at me and asking me to look at them. They were trying to follow my lead and I just started smiling. I had prayed just before my workout that God would handle the issues I was having and he seemed to answer my prayer in a different way then I thought. Instead of giving me a sign toward resolution with my boss, he changed my spirit and gave me a new attitude. I was no longer angry, I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just enjoying my nephews try to accomplish the seemingly impossible tasks put before them. They were falling and laughing and flailing. It was hilarious.

This also gave me a new thought that I have never entertained before. While I was watching them do their best to overcome childhood clumsiness and complete the moves, I thought that this time spent with them may be the only time in my life that I have been proud of myself as an uncle. Not that I am a great uncle but I was excited that I was being a positive influence toward them for the first time in their lives. They were seeing me do something good with my life instead of something destructive. I want that. I want them to see me working out, eating right, reading my Bible, making positive changes instead of coming home drunk, playing video games, bringing home different girls. They need to see something positive.

So for day 30, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am 1/3 through this journey and I am loving the ride. I look back at the last month and I am excited that I have made it this far. I have a lot of work to do. I am not nearly where I want to be physically, spiritually, or mentally. Yes, I have made progress in all of these areas but I am going to have to turn it all over to God every day if I want to make it through.

Never, Never, Never Give Up!!!!