I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.
I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings. My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.
It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.
So for day 37, I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating
Changes:
I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.
I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.
Be strong! Of course girl like you. You are funny, good looking and... related to ME! LOL! Just be strong. I'm here for you... but in Montana. LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteI visited with my friend last night who is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for over 20 years. (She started her program when she was 29)She said those kinds of thoughts she fights still, unless she completely focuses moment by moment on God. The enemy wants you to think about all that other stuff. It keeps you distracted and not focused on what God wants for you each minute. So she has found those things that keep her focused (grounded). She is a beautiful woman of God and I love talking to her. All the stuff she shares reminds me of you and what you are going through. She has figured it out. Stay focused on God ALL the time. Read Philippians 4:P4-9. She actually lives that and she has experienced what the text promises.
ReplyDeleteI see the changes in you. You seem happier, even though you struggle. Your attitude is much better. You have found support in people where before you would hardly talk to them let alone associate with them. And you are being an encouragement to others by doing this.
Hang in there son. Many are praying for your success, but more so, for your relationship with Jesus to become so close and personal you will shine with His glory.
Josh! This reminds me of a couple books I have read. Sounds like you are reading more so maybe you should take a look at them sometime if you want.
ReplyDeleteEveryday Deserves A Chance by Max Lucado, it changed my thoughts and out look on life. And Wild at Heart! A great great read reminding guys to put their heart and souls in God before a girl!
Keep it up!