This whole experience is about finding freedom and I still don't know where to look. I sometimes think I have found it and then I realized that I am chained to my humanity. Every day I think about this girl. Chain. I find myself coveting a better life. Chain. I find an old habit that holds me down. Chain. I leave God at the door. Chain.
Chains bind us. Plato wrote The Parable of the Cave. It was about humans that were chained in a dungeon facing a wall and the only thing they could see was shadows of the world behind them. They never had a true picture of reality. They were bound to their world of make believe. I often get caught in this world. I even get to the point where I believe the world I have made for myself is reality.
I want so bad to break those chains. I want to be free of my human condition. But even Job pleaded his innocence before God and could not be found blameless because of that human condition. We are born to sin and will forever be sinners. That is the human condition. We are sinners. Period. The only way that we can never be free of those chains is to accept the grace of God. I don't exactly know what the freedom means but I know that I want it with all that I am.
So for day 46, I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating
Changes:
I have a tough time digging through all the junk that is still in my life and finding something pure. Days like today remind me that I am nothing and even though I have made huge strides mentally, physically, and spiritually I can not take credit for this success. I am such a selfish person that I want to boast about the things I have done. Even this blog seems selfish to me because I am putting this out for everyone to see when it is my cross to bear. I sometimes look at the page views and get excited or I think about what inspirational words I am going to write that day. How selfish. Chain.
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 26: Plateau
Day 26 was the first time since I have started this journey that I have been tempted by alcohol. Not that someone was handing it to me or anything like that. I was just having a hard day and hadn't really been focused on my goals. I started to think about what would make the day better and that popped into my head.
I find that if I don't pray in the morning for a good day, my day isn't as good. I have less motivation and I get angry at work. I gotta tell ya, I can't stand work sometimes. I get there and I have to deal with a ton of stress from my employees, from my boss, and from the other managers not pulling their weight. I think God is testing me to see how I hold up under pressure or something. The other day I just wanted to give up and walk out and thought my life may be better if I just wasn't in that environment. It is just exhausting and almost more than I can handle some days.
So for Day 26, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Changes:
I wish I could be in a different situation sometimes but I know that God wants me to continue doing what I am doing. I have been exercising a ton this week. Running every day on top of P90X. It is a lot and adds to the exhaustion but I am still doing it. I have sort of plateaued as far as my weight loss goes. I have stepped it up to try to continue the trend but I am not sure that my work schedule, my diet at work, and my stress levels are conducive to weight loss. I don't eat bad but I think that I am now putting on more muscle mass and that is heavy weight. I know I will start losing again soon if I just stick with it.
I find that if I don't pray in the morning for a good day, my day isn't as good. I have less motivation and I get angry at work. I gotta tell ya, I can't stand work sometimes. I get there and I have to deal with a ton of stress from my employees, from my boss, and from the other managers not pulling their weight. I think God is testing me to see how I hold up under pressure or something. The other day I just wanted to give up and walk out and thought my life may be better if I just wasn't in that environment. It is just exhausting and almost more than I can handle some days.
So for Day 26, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Changes:
I wish I could be in a different situation sometimes but I know that God wants me to continue doing what I am doing. I have been exercising a ton this week. Running every day on top of P90X. It is a lot and adds to the exhaustion but I am still doing it. I have sort of plateaued as far as my weight loss goes. I have stepped it up to try to continue the trend but I am not sure that my work schedule, my diet at work, and my stress levels are conducive to weight loss. I don't eat bad but I think that I am now putting on more muscle mass and that is heavy weight. I know I will start losing again soon if I just stick with it.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Day 13: I Miss Sin?
Day 13 gave me an interesting perspective on the way I view my current situation. I know I am relating a lot to this girl I dated but it is very relevant to what I am about to talk about. I went running today and while I was running I began to think about what attracted me to drinking, partying, and general sin in the first place. I never came up with an answer. I did, however, realize that I was in mourning or "missed" the sinful life. Not that I want to go back but because it was what consumed me for so long. It was sort of the same feeling I had while getting over this girl. I missed her even though I don't ever want to go back. You see, she betrayed me and left me broken. Sin has done the same thing. Satan had such a grip on my life and I didn't want to let go and when I did I felt like a part of me had died and was left empty. I am now filling that hole with something good and pure and leaving that sinful life behind but a part of me is still mourning the loss of that lifestyle. I am only saying this to be real with myself. If I said that I was strong enough to never look back then I would be a liar. I am glad God hasn't turned me to a pillar of salt because I am guilty of looking back.
Now I don't like comparing this girl to Satan or sin because I don't think that way about her at all but the feelings of loss are very similar. I am on the other side and I don't ever want to look back.
So for day 13, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
I would like to say that I didn't lie but I did tell my sister that I had to teach Sabbath school tomorrow so I didn't have to teach her cradle role class. Now, I wasn't sure if I had to teach or not but I was intentionally trying to get out of something by deceiving her. I have to apologize to her for that and somehow make up for it.
Changes:
I have noticed changes in my desire to know God. I no longer am being as passive with my reading but I am trying to pray to God. It is an intentional act. I am trying to communicate which I was not doing when I first started.
Tonight is the first time I have prayed to God a sincere prayer all week. I am asking God tonight to give me a new outlook and purify my heart so that I have no ill feelings and no evil thoughts. I am asking God for a new heart. I am asking God to help me get over sin. I am begging God for peace. I know this is a selfish prayer because I want God to do everything but it is a sincere prayer because I no longer want to miss sin.
Now I don't like comparing this girl to Satan or sin because I don't think that way about her at all but the feelings of loss are very similar. I am on the other side and I don't ever want to look back.
So for day 13, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
I would like to say that I didn't lie but I did tell my sister that I had to teach Sabbath school tomorrow so I didn't have to teach her cradle role class. Now, I wasn't sure if I had to teach or not but I was intentionally trying to get out of something by deceiving her. I have to apologize to her for that and somehow make up for it.
Changes:
I have noticed changes in my desire to know God. I no longer am being as passive with my reading but I am trying to pray to God. It is an intentional act. I am trying to communicate which I was not doing when I first started.
Tonight is the first time I have prayed to God a sincere prayer all week. I am asking God tonight to give me a new outlook and purify my heart so that I have no ill feelings and no evil thoughts. I am asking God for a new heart. I am asking God to help me get over sin. I am begging God for peace. I know this is a selfish prayer because I want God to do everything but it is a sincere prayer because I no longer want to miss sin.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 10: You Were Born an Original
Day 10, what can be said? It was fairly uneventful. I must say, work is stressful and when I get home I don't really want to work out but I force myself sometimes and other times it is easy. I hate having to go in the morning and being short handed or having to hear it from the bosses all day about how bad the store is running. I sometimes wonder what people think of me there? I mean, I don't go around telling people about this commitment I have made. In fact, this blog is pretty much the only forum where I talk about a lot the issues on my mind.
I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
So for Day10, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.
I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.
I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
So for Day10, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.
I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Day 9: I am Me
Day 9 was another day for the record books. I haven't felt this much energy, but this tired in years. I find myself focusing a lot on my exercising and less on everything else. I guess I am so busy exercising that I don't have time to think about the other things I am refraining from. I haven't even thought about alcohol except for once at work. We were all talking about our favorite beers. I began to get the craving. That was last week though.
I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.
So for day 9, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.
I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.
I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.
So for day 9, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.
I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Day 6: Slingshot my Soul
Day 6 was about as good as it could have been. I had to work the opening shift and had to slose the night before so I was pretty tired. This didn't help my sickness any. While at work, I asked my boss if I could do BSM which is another class for managers in the McDonald's food chain. She was willing to let me and we started talking about some things I could do to improve at work.
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.
So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.
I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.
I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.
"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.
So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.
I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.
I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.
"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Day 3: Glute Pain
Day 3 has come and gone. It was a painful day to say the least. I did an exercise called plyometrics. Basically, it is jump training. I spent 45 minutes in a squat position. It was killer.
Soon after my work out I had to go to work. There I began to feel sick. I am not sure why. I feel like the healthier I am being, the better my health should be, but it is possible that my body is adjusting to a new lifestyle and during this process my immune system took a dive. Not exactly sure but I came home early from work and have been sick ever since. Pounding headache, sore throat, aches, fever, and the soreness of my workout.
I am still working my way through Exodus. I am amazed at the ammount of time God rambles on to Moses explaining what the new rules and regulations are going to be for Isreal. Moses must have gotten drowsey during that speach because I sure did. And all the explanations really got me thinking about why the Old Testament God would want them to follow such a strict set of guidelines? I mean, he was very specific about the law and the punishment for not following it. I think that it worked for Isreal but how about now?
So for day 3 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No dates
No lying
Changes:
I did not sleep well last night but I think that is because I was getting sick. I felt good through the day. My body is very sore and I am starting to notice how hungry I am. I refrain from eating outside of my diet.
All in all, I am feeling very hopeful about my transformation. I have not noticed much yet but I know I will sooner or later. I am hoping that I find motivation for a relationship with God through reading His word. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and alone like there isn't a God. I hope that through this experience I find that spark and can find peace. A peace that is above the storm.
Soon after my work out I had to go to work. There I began to feel sick. I am not sure why. I feel like the healthier I am being, the better my health should be, but it is possible that my body is adjusting to a new lifestyle and during this process my immune system took a dive. Not exactly sure but I came home early from work and have been sick ever since. Pounding headache, sore throat, aches, fever, and the soreness of my workout.
I am still working my way through Exodus. I am amazed at the ammount of time God rambles on to Moses explaining what the new rules and regulations are going to be for Isreal. Moses must have gotten drowsey during that speach because I sure did. And all the explanations really got me thinking about why the Old Testament God would want them to follow such a strict set of guidelines? I mean, he was very specific about the law and the punishment for not following it. I think that it worked for Isreal but how about now?
So for day 3 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No dates
No lying
Changes:
I did not sleep well last night but I think that is because I was getting sick. I felt good through the day. My body is very sore and I am starting to notice how hungry I am. I refrain from eating outside of my diet.
All in all, I am feeling very hopeful about my transformation. I have not noticed much yet but I know I will sooner or later. I am hoping that I find motivation for a relationship with God through reading His word. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and alone like there isn't a God. I hope that through this experience I find that spark and can find peace. A peace that is above the storm.
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