Day 46: Chains

This whole experience is about finding freedom and I still don't know where to look. I sometimes think I have found it and then I realized that I am chained to my humanity. Every day I think about this girl. Chain. I find myself coveting a better life. Chain. I find an old habit that holds me down. Chain. I leave God at the door. Chain.

Chains bind us. Plato wrote The Parable of the Cave. It was about humans that were chained in a dungeon facing a wall and the only thing they could see was shadows of the world behind them. They never had a true picture of reality. They were bound to their world of make believe. I often get caught in this world. I even get to the point where I believe the world I have made for myself is reality.

I want so bad to break those chains. I want to be free of my human condition. But even Job pleaded his innocence before God and could not be found blameless because of that human condition. We are born to sin and will forever be sinners. That is the human condition. We are sinners. Period. The only way that we can never be free of those chains is to accept the grace of God. I don't exactly know what the freedom means but I know that I want it with all that I am.

So for day 46, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have a tough time digging through all the junk that is still in my life and finding something pure. Days like today remind me that I am nothing and even though I have made huge strides mentally, physically, and spiritually I can not take credit for this success. I am such a selfish person that I want to boast about the things I have done. Even this blog seems selfish to me because I am putting this out for everyone to see when it is my cross to bear. I sometimes look at the page views and get excited or I think about what inspirational words I am going to write that day. How selfish. Chain.

Day 45: Midway

I am half way through the 90 days today. I can't believe that it has been 45 days already and I can't believe the changes. I have some before pictures I am going to post today as well as midway pictures I took to show the physical transformation. I am wearing black in both pictures so they will be somewhat representative of my weight loss. The before pictures are me at 234lbs. The midway pictures are me at 195lbs. I still have 15lbs to lose to reach my goal before summer.

Today I am reading Job. Like I said yesterday, that guy went through the fire. Today I felt so happy. I knew that nothing was impossible with Gods help. I mean yesterday I said it and today I lived it. I had one of the best days I have ever had. I am happy when I get to share days like these because they seem to break the negativity up a bit. I want to give God all the credit because this wouldn't be possible without Him. Without Him, I have already lost.

So for day 45, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am feeling more energy and reached a pivotal weight loss goal. I am now 195lbs and counting.

I am also encouraged by the experiences of others. I feel like God has big plans for my life and today He proved it. I have a friend who is struggling and I was running by his house and just got the urge to stop in. We talked for a while and prayed at the end. I left his house feeling very encouraged. I have looked up to this guy my whole life and he has been a positive influence on me and now I am able to return the favor. I feel so blessed and happy that God has used me for good.

Before:

Midway:

Day 44: It Hurts So Good

I just finished reading Esther and began Job. Wow, I love the first few chapters of Job. I relate to that guy in so many ways and not at all. I feel like we are both being tested but I think Job had it way worse. He lost everything he loved. I mean everything. Now, I have faced loss but not like that and I don't know which kind of loss is worse. I lost someone I cared about but not to death. I lost them and still had to see them every day. It was a loss because of rejection. That kind of loss hurts. I don't know what kind of loss Job felt but I think it may have been similar. He felt like God was turning His back on Job. That would be a scary thought and very painful.

I wish in so many ways that I could be like Job. He trusted God in the darkest of times. I feel so weak sometimes because I lose that trust and try to do it on my own. If I can do all things through Christ, then I can't do anything without Him. I mean sure, I can feel momentary success in this selfish life, but alas, a moment is all I can have. In the end we all have to make choices. We all have to decide who or what is going to guide our life. And if the decision is that we ourselves will take the reigns then we have already failed. But if that decision is to have God lead our lives, then the race doesn't have to end. We can run for eternity and know that no matter what happens, we have already won.

So for day 44, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have noticed a big change in the way my body is reacting to my food intake. I am eating more then I used to and losing more weight. I think it is because the amount of meals I am eating keeps my metabolism working throughout the day on top of all the calorie burn. I weighed myself yesterday and then again today and have lost 2 more pounds. I am shriveling away to nothing.

I have a hard time making it through workouts sometimes and on a small level, the workouts are representative of this journey as a whole. This journey hurts. It hurts to leave behind the things you once loved and move on to something new. It hurts to face the pain of rejection every day. It hurts to know that things will never be the same. It hurts to change. But just like my physical well being and the changes that are happening in the body, you have to feel the pain to get results. I am feeling the pain and let me tell you, it hurts so good.

Day 43: Faith

I find it hard to focus on God when your mind wanders elsewhere and you get caught up in the daily fantasy of a better life. I find it interesting that I all too often will dream of something better and distant and don't know how to get there, but then I snap out of it and realize that if I have my sights set on God and His plan for me, then the future doesn't seem so distant and those dreams are a little bit more like reality. I think God gave us the ability to dream so that we could have something to strive for. I believe God wants that for us. But more than anything, God wants us to rely on Him.

The reason I bring this us is because I found myself dreaming about the future today. I was worrying about where I was going to go after camp and what school I was going to attend, if I could get into law school, where I was going to live, how I was going to survive financially, how things will turn out with this girl, what happens after I graduate. All these things flooded my mind and consumed my thought. I was feeling pretty distraught with worry. But then I snapped back to reality. I was not in the future yet. I was running. Running a long ways. I was running my first 10k and the whole time all I could think about was what was going to happen. I pulled out my headphones and prayed to God to take the worry and the rest of my day was filled with thoughts of the here and now. Live today for today.

So for day 43, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating
And my first 10k run!

Changes:

My energy levels are off the charts. I am happy that I am living every day for the treasures of that day. I have loose plans for the future and I will pray and move forward but if God has other plans for me then so be it. God will guide me. This is a change that I am still getting used to. It is trusting in God when it seems hard to believe in God. I feel a little like the Israelites in that I still have trouble trusting the unseen. Faith, it is a tough lesson to learn.

Day 42: .....God

I was watching this DVD this morning called How Great Is Our God. It is by Louie Giglio. He is a Christian speaker and very inspiring. It was amazing to listen to this talk though. I have heard it several times but missed most of it for some reason. I was watching it this morning and it finally clicked with me. I don't know what God is doing in my life or why I feel so alone but this talk seemed to spark something in me.

I have been slapped in the face again and snapped out of my daze and dream. God is so much bigger than me and I am so insignificant. I don't matter at all and sin has made me think I am important. Sin has blown up my head and given me an ego. After watching that talk, I don't know how anyone could turn their back on God. I don't understand how God take s a back seat in any one's life! I mean He just spoke and created everything including me. I would not be here if God had not made me and formed me. I owe everything to God. I will never turn my back on Him knowing that I am nothing without Him.

But the cool thing is, I am everything with Him. I am important with God and I do matter with God. So do you. With God, you matter. You are important. You are special. You do have tiger blood (ha). And God did find us special or else Christ would not have died for us. Today I am humbled and blown away at the greatness of my God. The God I choose to serve because the only life outside of Christ leads to death and the only life inside Christ leads to eternity.

So for day 42, I am going to accomplish the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No dating

Changes:

I have been thinking about this girl a lot and I am not sure why. I don't believe that I will ever get back together with her but I think that God keeps putting her in my mind because I have an opportunity here. I have never been a positive influence in my life or felt like one at least. I feel like this is a chance to be that influence. I wish I knew the feelings I was having but this is the best I can explain it.

I want my friends, family, and people I care about to............. God.

Day 41: True Power

There is a saying in the new Robin Hood movie that intrigues me. It says, "Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions." I have always wondered where this notion of power comes from. I feel like the lion is the symbol of power in the animal kingdom but with humans, what symbolises true power? Money, fame, strength? I have been working out a ton and getting more and more in shape every day. I feel stronger but I still feel sort of emasculated. I feel like I am not a man. I don't know why this is but the feeling seems to grow when I am around this girl.

I feel like that rejection has set my mind on searching for true power. God never asked me to be a fighter or asked me to put on brave face. He never wanted me to show strength of body or be a millionaire. He made me to show He cares. He made me to show that true power doesn't come through self but the power of Him through me. Everything that I am is because of Him and if I give up on me then I am giving up on God. I am saying that God can't do it. But God can do it, and God will do it. God doesn't make mistakes, doesn't get tired, never gives up, and pushes me to finish.

This race is long and hard. Sometimes it seems impossible and sometimes I can't see the end. But God's got this. He is carrying me and I know that when I rely on Him, NOTHING else matters. I am forever in His care and from this comes true power.

So for day 41, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am going to show a video that truly inspired me.

Day 40: Minerals

I don't know how Jesus felt when he was being tempted after 40 days in the desert but I know this, temptation has been knocking at my door and I am having to dig deep to overcome. I got invited to a party on Saturday, I have been getting along with my boss, and I have been tempted to abandon this whole project because I feel pretty good. When things are going well we have a tendency to turn aside from God and think we can do it on our own but really it is the exact opposite.

I will liken this to an economic theory. When the economy takes a down turn, people generally begin to hoard their money and save it which is the exact opposite of economic stimulation. The economy is stimulated by purchasing. When the economy is good people spend more than they should and don't save. People should save when times are good and spend when times are bad.

Just like this analogy, I need to building up my "God" reserves so that when hard times come, I have enough to survive. I am only human. I have struggled this week because of this. I have not read in like three days, I got sick, everything seemed to be working out at work, and I have just struggled to keep on track. I know these don't seem like issues at all and some of the list is positive, but that is where the struggle is. I seem to be losing the connection while things are good.

So for day 40, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Like I said, I am losing the connection. I want so bad to get back on track like I had to do during the first month. I need your prayers and I need to have the strength to stand and make things better. I have to rely on God. Sometimes I feel so emasculated that a woman could have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am so determined to finish this thing but do I have the minerals?

Day 39: Are You Who You Want to Be?

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns. Roads followed and abandoned. People always ask me what I am going to do with my life and I often don't know what to tell them. I have loose plans on what I want and where I want to be but, I can't get too attached to these ideas because they may not become reality. I guess it is a way of buffering myself from disappointment. I erect this wall of security all too often.

I have heard that the only way to get what you really want in life is to break through that wall of security and free yourself from your own withholding. I have yet to experience this on any real level. I am sure I have gone after things that have been relatively easy or simple (not talking about women here) but even then I am not really free from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess what I am driving at is that I have reached a pivotal point in my life. I am on the crux of something big. I have to start making decisions that are going to better my life and not hinder it. I have to break that wall for good. And I want that with all my heart.
So for day 39, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I want you all to have the same desires. I want you to go out and break your wall of security. There is a song by Switchfoot in which they say, "this is your life, are you who you want to be?" It is such a great line and it is something I have to ask myself every day now, this is my life, am I who I want to be?

Day 38: Can Love Arise out of Freedom?

I thought I would share something simple tonight. I am fairly tired after my p90x and run today. I am also not getting enough sleep for work. This is something I posted on my other blog a while age. It deals with freedom, feelings, love, and choices. The exact things I am going through right now.

The fact that humans make decisions based on feelings proves that God exists. Any other member of the animal kingdom makes decisions based on logic and survival but humans are programmed a little different. Logic and reason guide our lives to a point but there are times in our lives that we makes decisions based on feelings. We decide to take a chance on these feelings knowing that the logical decision will take you the other way. This is what makes being a human so difficult, and so much fun. Unlike the animals, we make these decisions and grow from the mistakes or are blessed by the chance we took. Somehow, the God of all the universe, the One we created Everything, knew that we would make mistakes before He created us but did it anyways. He wanted to prove to all creation that out of absolute freedom, some of us would take a chance, a leap of faith if you will, on love. He wanted to prove that love could arise out of freedom. He wanted to show everything He made that though we are sinners, we are also a race that can choose something that seems so illogical because we are following a hope. We are a race that can experience pain and it only makes us stronger. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Whoever said that was inspired. They understood that we are the only world that experiences pain. But with the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour. That pain only shows us how great life can really be. If you don't know pain then you can't really understand joy. Absolute joy is the inverse of pain. I am glad I have a God who took a chance at love in creating us. Absolute freedom. I choose to love because of that freedom. Life may hurt at times but I am grateful for that pain. Because of it I can truly know the depths of Gods love.

So for day 38, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am hoping to keep up the weight loss and be down to 180lbs by the end of this experience. I am finding it easier to motivate myself if I have someone there with me. We work out together and it is encouraging. Just having friends there looking out for is for sure a Godsend.

Day 37: Feelings

I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.

I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings.  My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.

It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.

So for day 37, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.

I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.

Day 36: It Matters How You're Gonna Finish

Today, I hod so much energy. I went for a run, did p90x and still felt like doing more. Unfortunately, I pulled a calf muscle so I couldn't continue but I am feeling so energetic. The weight is just falling off now. I was 199 last week and have already lost 2 pounds since then. I am just losing weight hand over foot. I am feeling so good and loving the changes that are happening physically.

I am also enjoying the changes spiritually. It is hard to gauge success in your spiritual life. I have to keep looking back (not something I enjoy doing usually) to see where I have come from. It seems that every day I am asking God for help. I remember two months ago when days would go by without me even thinking about God. Now it consumes my life. I care much less about what others think of my new found desire for truth, peace, and freedom. They may or may not understand, but like I said yesterday, nothing else matters.

So for day 36, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I know I have talked about this before but I sometimes find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I want to continue this experience and I feel like this 90 days is allowing me to plan for my next 90 days. I have to develop a plan but I also want to finish these first 90 days strong. There are times during this experience that I feel like giving up but I know that God has other plans. I honestly couldn't have made it this far without the help of God. I shared a video a while ago about a guy with no arms and no legs. His message is so powerful that I am gonna share it again.

"It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you gonna finish strong?"

Day 35: The Only Thing that Matters

I was awakened from my afternoon nap by a bunch of screaming kids with their parents in tow funneling into my apartment for snacks a break from the harsh winds outside. They had all been at the park earlier that day. Church friends mostly. They all began to eat and talk and I came out of my hovel to join the conversation. We all sat down and one of the guests began to play the guitar and sing. We all joined in and sang with him. He then asked us to share what had happened to us this week. I began to tell them the story of my week.
Everyone was very encouraging and prayed over me when I was finished. They had heard about my struggles with this journey, the boss, the workouts, the diet. All these things are putting me through the fire and I am in desperate need of their prayers.

I don't know why I say or do the things I do sometimes, but what I am realizing is that I am gonna go through this experience and come out the other side just as human as the day I started. I have so many desires in life and they are all melting away the more I put my trust in God. I want to put God on the forefront and not let anything in this world phase me. Even my own mistakes. I don't want to be inhibited by my human limitations.

So for day 35, I accmomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I had a fight with the girl last week. Everything seemed to be going really well and then it all fell apart. I ruined things and any chance of getting things back on track unless she forgives me. I can't believe I am still so selfish. But I am putting this in the changes section because it is something I cannot change. That is the realization that I am coming to, why worry about the things I cannot change. I have apologized. what else can I do? It is now out of my control. I am genuinely sorry for what I said and have to live with that. If she doesn't forgive me then I understand.

I am learning that God is the only thing that matters.

Day 34: Grace and Love

Just began 2 Chronicles today. It is quite the read. It starts out with Solomon asking God for wisdom. I know books have been written on this prayer but it truly is amazing. God basically tells Solomon to ask for anything he wants, anything at all. Now, when I heard this when I was young, I used to think of God being like a genie. He popped out of a lamp and gave Solomon one wish. Obviously not true but the principle is the same.

Solomon asked God for wisdom and knowledge so he could govern his people right. This pleased God. He was happy that Solomon had asked for this. I want to have the heart of Solomon so that I can truly want wisdom above all other desires. I want to be able to discern what is right and what is wrong.

This blog is all about finding freedom. I am still bound to this earth by so many things. I wish I had the heart of Solomon. I wish with all my heart that I was free from this world and all my evil ways. I wish I didn't still make mistakes that I have to ask God to forgive me for. I wish that I could be as wise as Solomon, but here is the conundrum, even Solomon made mistakes in all his wisdom. So where can I find true freedom?

So for day 34, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am now a few pounds under 200 and I am realizing that I still have a long ways to go. But if I keep up the weight loss throughout the next 50 some days I may reach my goal of 180. I am excited about the prospect of that happening.

I prayed while running again today. This song kept popping into my head and I am not sure where to find true freedom but this song sure helps me gain some perspective.

Day 33: Mistakes

I made a big mistake. I went to lunch with my boss to talk out some of our differences. We talked for a few hours and resolved a lot of issues. I am glad we talked glad we worked through our issues. I felt like working together might not be so bad after all. I was going to work on my response to her requests so that there wasn't so much tension.

Well, everything seemed to be going well she asked me why I had done something the way I had. I had just walked in the building and was still on my break and I kind of felt backed into a corner because the question was coming at me so quickly. I immediately reverted back to my usual response of defense. I said, "nothing I would have do there would have been right!" This was not the right thing to say. I have just been so used to responding that way for so long that the response was just ingrained.

I apologized over and over again and felt sick for putting us back where we were instead of making progress toward resolution. You can only apologize so much. Words are empty without action so I have made a resolve to always think before I respond. I am going to show my efforts instead of talk about them. It is time to get things right.

I prayed about this and put it into Gods hands because beyond the efforts I am going to make to change, what control do I have? It is out of my hands if she doesn't accept my apology. I am only going to worry about the things I can control instead of the things I can't.

So for day 33, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No Dating
No lying

Changes:

God is reminding me every day that He is in complete control. I was talking to my mom yesterday and thought about Gods plans for our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what His plans for you are. I am living today, not tomorrow, today. As long as I can put my trust in Him everyday, then He is the one guiding my actions and thoughts. That is his plan. And when I am in Christ, He always works out my mistakes.

Day 32: God's Got This

Today is bittersweet. It is the last day I have to work the closing shift. I am glad to be done with it but at the same time, I am not all that excited about going back to mornings. It is just another schedule change. I must begin working with my boss again. I am sure it will be fine because I put the situation into Gods hands.

I went to the gym today and weighed myself on the professional scale. I have finally broke 200lbs! I am 199. That gave me a boost of energy so I had a great workout today. I am loving the way I feel and the fact that I sleep well. I am just enjoying this experience. Today as I was walking out the door to go to the gym, my buddy stopped me and asked how I was doing. I could tell by his tone that this wasn't just a question you ask in passing. He was truly asking how I was. I just began to pour out this journey to him and told him how I am beginning to feel. Besides all the positive things, I began to pour out my struggles. I realized during this conversation that I was beginning to bury those struggles and not sharing them was hurting me.

He continued to listen and as he encouraged me and listened I kept thinking about how I could encourage him back. I was about to get in my car after sharing a bit with each other and he stopped me. He said, "I see that you are about to go to the gym but I want to pray with you first."

I feel so blessed to have people that are willing to pray for me and care about me. I don't understand why God cares about me so much to answer my prayers. This morning I prayed that God would show me what to do and he sent this friend at just the right time to pick me back up.

So when I got back home I went for a run. At the end of the run I asked God to speak to me. He told me once again, "Josh, I've got this. I will be with you." I still don't want to know why God cares for me so much but I know that He has got my life in my hands. I am still in this desert and I am still wondering aimlessly but I am no longer doing it alone. God's got this.

So for Day 32, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is melting my selfishness away. I am learning that I cannot survive not even one day without His guidance. I have a connection that I have never had before. I know that there is no obstacle to great for me to overcome and I know God is with me. When I encounter struggles I look at them differently. "This too shall pass." Learn and grow.

I want so much to be the person I was made to be, and I hope to find who that is on this journey. I still have so much work to do and will always be working on myself, but now I know that I am making true progress in discovering who God intended Josh to be.

As I am writing this, I am overcome by the Spirit of God and feel empowered. Tears are streaming down my face because I have accepted Gods'  Amazing Grace.

Day 31: Pray for Me

Today I woke up with intestinal issues. I haven't felt that good all day and I was extremely tired and sore. I laid around most of the day, read my Bible, and decided not to work out. I have been hitting it doubly hard and am going today's P90x tomorrow and skip tomorrows (yoga). I have been frustrated with things at work lately and need to just hand it to God.

I am reading Chronicles and it is describing the life of David and I thought I had read it already but didn't know that the Bible gave multiple accounts of David. Samuel and Chronicles both describe his life. Reading consumes a lot of my time and my life. I have put my studies on the back burner and I need to get back into the rhythm of studying regularly. I am going to start tomorrow. I am going to have to wake up early and study. My schedule is shifting back to mornings and I think that will be good for me and the progress of my journey. I need to finish this class and begin the next journey.

So for day 31, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dating
P90x Diet

Changes:

I am down to 202 lbs. I have been trying to get under 200 for like three weeks now but it seems like I am finally overcoming the plateau. I look forward to being under 200 but according to the BMI, I am still considered obese by traditional standards. I will mame whoever invented that "healthy" scale.

Pray for me friends. I am going to have to go through some trials the next few days. I have to have your support in this. I am having discussions with my boss about work and am getting checked off for my new closing shift. Once I am approved, I will get a raise and I need to get checked off. But like I said, I God to do it.

Day 30: 33.333333333

Today is a day for the record books. I have been doing P90x for 30 days straight and reading my Bible for 30 days as well. I finally get a break from the Bible (not that this is a good thing) but reading generally tires me out. Today is a "rest" day from reading but I read anyways. I also did Plyometrics. Phase 2 of P90x is a little more intense but some of the workouts are the same like Plyo.

My boss and I got into a confrontation today and I came home to work out my rage (frustration actually but rage makes it sound cooler). I was pretty upset while working out. I had texted her and apologized for my argumentative spirit. I should have just listened to her, but alas, I have too much of my mother and father in me to back down. So while I was working out, I kept thinking about it. Then my nephews walked in and began to jump with me (plyometrics is jump training). They were smiling at me and asking me to look at them. They were trying to follow my lead and I just started smiling. I had prayed just before my workout that God would handle the issues I was having and he seemed to answer my prayer in a different way then I thought. Instead of giving me a sign toward resolution with my boss, he changed my spirit and gave me a new attitude. I was no longer angry, I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just enjoying my nephews try to accomplish the seemingly impossible tasks put before them. They were falling and laughing and flailing. It was hilarious.

This also gave me a new thought that I have never entertained before. While I was watching them do their best to overcome childhood clumsiness and complete the moves, I thought that this time spent with them may be the only time in my life that I have been proud of myself as an uncle. Not that I am a great uncle but I was excited that I was being a positive influence toward them for the first time in their lives. They were seeing me do something good with my life instead of something destructive. I want that. I want them to see me working out, eating right, reading my Bible, making positive changes instead of coming home drunk, playing video games, bringing home different girls. They need to see something positive.

So for day 30, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am 1/3 through this journey and I am loving the ride. I look back at the last month and I am excited that I have made it this far. I have a lot of work to do. I am not nearly where I want to be physically, spiritually, or mentally. Yes, I have made progress in all of these areas but I am going to have to turn it all over to God every day if I want to make it through.

Never, Never, Never Give Up!!!!

Day 29: Phase 2

Today is the start of phase 2 in P90X. It is quite the workout. I was extremely fatigued but pushed through it. It was an amazing workout and I feel great because of it. I am really on a push to get under 200 pounds by the end of this month. I thought I could do it last week but I hit a wall as far as weight loss goes. I am trying break through that wall and get back to healthy weight loss. 

I started reading Chronicles today and I have to be honest with you, I don't know why that is in the Bible. It has to be in there for a reason but it is so far just genealogy. It must be there for historical purposes. I don't exactly know.

I was sitting in my car today thinking about what I was going to say in this blog. I thought about the secrets we all have. Some of them are too embarrassing to talk about so we bury them, others might incriminate us, and some things just aren't anybodies business. It all comes down to honesty. Some things other people truly don't need to know, but I think God needs to know. Even thought He can see our hearts the confessions of those dark places in our souls are what He wants to hear. Being honest with yourself and being honest with God is so important.

So for day 29, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I am looking at ways to improve my diet. I have been following P90x diet and exercise but I am not losing weight like I was. I don't know if I need to increase my caloric intake because my body thinks I am starving or what. I was given a book on the glycemic index and I am going to read about what is necessary for me to sustain healthy weight loss. I hope I get some good tips. I weighed myself today and I was 203 lbs. I think 200 lbs is attainable by the end of this week.

Day 28: Through Smoke

I was discussing diet and exercise with a friend of mine last night. We did P90x together and talking about fitness. It was a good night but then I got on the topic of God in the Old Testament. Many of my conversations turn to God as of late. I don't remember exactly what made me think of this but we began to discuss how God does almost the exact opposite of what humans do. Let me use Grace as an example. When you go to the store, you take the item you want to purchase up to the counter and give money to the clerk. They then ring the item up, give you your change, and give you your item. You have to give something to get something. This is not the case with Grace. You don't have to do anything for it besides accept. That's it. Just take. It seems so selfish but this is how God works. He works contrary to popular belief.

It is a hard thing to give your life completely to God because this means you have to completely empty yourself of your desires. God is the only thing that can consume you, and it is amazing that when you trust in God and let Him take complete control, you no longer care about your dreams and goals because they are no longer relevant. I have a dream of going to law school, marrying a good woman, owning my own business, starting the first Adventist law program. If these dream are not in Gods plans for my life then where does that leave me and God?

For so long my will is what has come between me and God. Every time I wanted something that I knew God didn't want for me, then I pushed God to the side and let myself fall. I still do this. I lose trust in God and I want to play my own game instead of listening to the coaches leading. I still want to fall back into my old ways but I don't because I have made a decision that coincides with Gods will. Finally we are both on the same page and it gives me freedom.

So for day 28, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dating
Alloted Bible passage

Changes:

My heart still hurts for my old ways for some reason. I still care for this girl I wish so bad that she was a part of Gods plan for my life, but its not about me anymore. I am giving up all of me for God. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know that true success can only be obtained through Jesus Christ. God is truly making me walk through the desert.

I know it is going to be hard. No one ever said it was going to be easy. Persevere, when things are tough and it is hard to see God. It is hard to trust the unseen, but we have to continue the search through the smoke that clouds our vision.

Day 27: Not a Man

Day 27 made gave me a lot to think about. I am excited to share my journey daily but days like this challenge me a lot. Like I have said, never give up, but days like this make me want to. It was my day off and I didn't work out until late at night. I only read about half of what I was supposed to.

God seems to be challenging me. Rarely do I make decisions based on emotion but I wanted to today. It took some extreme will power and self control to stay on the path. I am starting to recognize the amount of stress that I have in my life. I feel like it is positive stress but stress none the less. This makes me so thankful for the rest days I have and for the Sabbath.

So for Day 27, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
Nosmoking
No lying
P90x Exercise
No dates

Changes:

I want so bad to be the man God made me. I want to be an example to others by my story. I know everyone has a story, and God WILL use any story for Him. This is starting to become a reality. I want others to ask me why I do the things I do and act the way I do. I feel like kind of a pansy saying that. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a man.

Day 26: Plateau

Day 26 was the first time since I have started this journey that I have been tempted by alcohol. Not that someone was handing it to me or anything like that. I was just having a hard day and hadn't really been focused on my goals. I started to think about what would make the day better and that popped into my head.

I find that if I don't pray in the morning for a good day, my day isn't as good. I have less motivation and I get angry at work. I gotta tell ya, I can't stand work sometimes. I get there and I have to deal with a ton of stress from my employees, from my boss, and from the other managers not pulling their weight. I think God is testing me to see how I hold up under pressure or something. The other day I just wanted to give up and walk out and thought my life may be better if I just wasn't in that environment. It is just exhausting and almost more than I can handle some days.

So for Day 26, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I wish I could be in a different situation sometimes but I know that God wants me to continue doing what I am doing. I have been exercising a ton this week. Running every day on top of P90X. It is a lot and adds to the exhaustion but I am still doing it. I have sort of plateaued as far as my weight loss goes. I have stepped it up to try to continue the trend but I am not sure that my work schedule, my diet at work, and my stress levels are conducive to weight loss. I don't eat bad but I think that I am now putting on more muscle mass and that is heavy weight. I know I will start losing again soon if I just stick with it.

Day 25:

If you read the old testament, God seems to be in constant communication with the Israelites and this is in my mind what prayer is but it is barely referred to as prayer. It is more or less called communication. A dialogue. This is sort of a foreign concept to most of us now a days I think because the word prayer referes to this communication but it also refers to so much more.

Now, I know how frustrating it can be to say, "Your will be done" because in all honesty, I can't look back at my life and remember a time when I wanted Gods will to truly be done unless in happened to be what I wanted for my life. That is the nature of selfish humans.

Having said all that, I believe that the word regret used by God in reference to Saul is not the word the author would have chosen if he knew what its meaning was now. I don't believe God actually regretted making Saul King. I think He was sorry about the choices Saul made. And if you think about it, if Saul hadn't made the choices he did, we wouldn't be having this conversation so maybe God allowed it for this exact moment! Do you ever think God raised up a king or allowed a story to be put into the Bible just to that your life could be changed and therefore you cold change lives? Maybe that is why God allowed this word to be put here.  (I am referring to the writing in day 22.)

This comes back to my thoughts on the Bible not being perfect. It was written by humans and I don't think they always used the right words and the translations through the years have given new meanings to old words and so on and so forth. Just because I believe the Bible had errors does not take away from the power of the book. In fact, I think it enhances the majesty and mystery. It begs us to ask questions like these and work through the answers together.

God doesn't make mistakes. And Saul was no exception and neither am I. I am willing to bet that God looks back at me and is sorry for the mistakes I have made. But God doesn't make junk and he doesn't make mistakes. I am here for a reason and so are you.

So for day 25, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Allotted Bible reading

Changes:

I am feeling much more energetic than I used to. If you notice, I said in earlier blogs that if you do something 22 times in a row without breaking the chain, you have developed a habit. Well, I am on day 25 and I have not drank or smoked or dated. I am making habits of not doing things but it is the habits of doing things that I am still working on. I have worked out every day for 25 days except two days. I was sick one, and depressed the other. I will not stop until this exercise becomes such a habit that I won't even have to think about it.

Day 24: Mighty Men

Today was pretty cool. I had a great workout. I always working out my arms because I feel like I am doing a lot of work and I like being sore from a workout. Sculpting my guns. While I was at the gym, I saw this girl that had been to my church before. I recognized her and thought about saying hi but here is the catch, she is gorgeous and I am not dating. I didn't want to even be tempted by the notion so I just kept to myself and continued working out.

I read about David and his mighty men today. The Bible talks about these men as being men of renown. One of them, the leader named Josheb-Basshebeth, killed eight hundred men in one encounter! Another one named Eleazar went to battle with the Philistines and all Israel retreated but he stood his ground and killed Philistines until he got tired and froze to his sword! Shammah, another of the three, stood in a field while Israel again retreated and defeated the Philistine army by himself.

I read these stories and am amazed because there is not a man of renown on this earth today that will ever measure up to these amazing acts. God truly blessed Israel and David and those in his company.

So for day 24, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I long to be remembered when I die. I read about these mighty men and I see strength, courage, devotion, loyalty, dedication, commitment, and perseverance and I want to bad to have those qualities. I am going through this fire to come out the other end a mighty man.

Day 23: Feeling Freedom

Once again, I was running today and had my eyes opened by God. I updated my Bible app on my phone and can listen the Bible while I am running now. I am reading about David. He is an amazing man in scripture. God blesses him at every turn even when he is sinning. David is called a man after God's own heart. He dealt with a lot. (David is my second favorite Bible character behind Joseph so far). David overtook the city of Jerusalem even though it was thought impossible. They told him that they could defend the city with the blind and lame but David took it anyways.

The city of Jerusalem was and is still a point of controversy throughout history to now. People have fought over the City of David for centuries a and hundreds of thousands of people have lost their lives to be a part of the "salvation" of Jerusalem, but this all started with David. He settled there and built his kingdom from there. He met with God there. He lived one of the most amazing lives in history there.

One of the most interesting things I have read in Samuel is about Davids heart being so compassionate to his enemy. The Bible says that several times, Saul (the king who tried to kill David on numerous occasions) was given into Davids hands and David had to make a choice each time. Once, Saul was in a cave and David had to decide what to do because he had the drop on Saul and Saul didn't even know it. He just cut his robe and let him live. Now this is where the amazing part comes in. Not only did David leave him alive but the Bible says he felt bad for cutting the robe of the Lords anointed. In another part, the Bible describes how an Amalakite had admitted to David that he helped Saul kill himself and thought this would please David because Saul had been hunting David for years. David had the man killed because he had admitted to killing the Lords anointed king and David morned for Saul.

I don't understand how to get to the point in life that I can cry for my enemies and long for them to be in the kingdom. I don't understand how someone can get to the point where they can utter the words, "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" I want to be unfazed by the actions of those that wrong me.

So for day 23, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I titled this feeling freedom. Last night I heard something about this girl that did me wrong. I heard about her and her struggles with other guys (this boyfriend of hers who treats her poorly, another guy she used to date), and I didn't feel anger that she was pursuing other relationships. I felt bad for her. I knew at that point that she was confused and searching for love in all the wrong places. She is doing the same thing I had done for so many years. Searching for something in this miserable little world that is going to bring happiness. I felt a little like David mourning for Saul. It was a new feeling. Instead of taking this news personally, all I wanted to do was show her kindness and support. All I wanted to do was help her.

I think for one of the first times during this experience I felt what I am searching for. I felt unfazed by the actions of this girl. I felt freedom.

Day 22: Rehab

I was talking to a friend this weekend. We were talking about decisions and regrets. I had asked another friend of mine if he believed the term regret referred to a mistake that was made because that is always how I have perceived the word. His belief was not that it referred to a mistake but essentially you were saying you were sorry for what you had done weather good or bad.

God said in Samuel that he regretted setting Saul on the throne. You see, God was sorry for what He had done. Now I am not sure about my next thought process so feedback is requested. If God was sorry that He had put Saul on the throne and God doesn't make mistakes, does that mean God didn't know what choices Saul was going to make as a king? Isn't that absolute freedom? Being free of Gods foresight? Not that God couldn't see the future choice but He may have chosen not too? I don't know about this that is why I am writing about it.

I have talked a lot about choice we make and realize now that regrets don't matter. Why have regrets? I mean, you can't change the past. What happened happened and it is unchangeable. We will never know the outcome of the choice we didn't make. We only know the outcome of the one we did make so why worry about the other?

So for day 22, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking (which I have not even been tempted with since I started this thanks to God)
No Smoking
P90X Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Bible Reading (I have not missed a day and I am still on track)

Changes:

I am starting to take it one day at a time. On the P90X video, the trainer says, "come on! its only 30 seconds! You can do anything for 30 seconds!" I love this outlook. You really can do anything for 30 seconds. So why not live the next 30 seconds of your life for the next 30 seconds of your life? If you tackle a day that way then you aren't nearly as discouraged.

I have to break these ninety days down that way. I have to take it one day at a time. If I viewed it as 90 days then I get overwhelmed. But if I view it as today, It is much easier. This is the only way I can view my situation. I am in recovery and need to have little victories. This is the only way to encompass my my rehab.

Day 21: Friends in High Places

Days like today give me the encouragement to move on. I have been hanging out with a few friends this weekend. It has been great to get away from the distractions of life. It has also been great answering the questions and sharing the struggles and successes of my journey with others. I have gotten a few emails and phone calls from friends and people I barely knew this weekend. This experience was entirely for me but they are getting such a blessing from my Blog and I am thankful to God for that. I never intended for this blog to inspire others, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.

We were walking out to the bluffs outside Colorado Springs armed to the hilt ready to shoot anything that came near. Coyotes, rabbits, crows, pretty much anything that is a nuisance out here. We sat on the top of the bluffs and began to discuss my journey and theirs. It was so peaceful looking out to the valley below. He began to talk about the life we are supposed to live. The life that the typical Adventist life. You go to an Adventist school, find a wife, have kids, find a job in the service industry, get involved in your church, and then retire and die. This is not untypical of the life secular people live. But this life is only a short time. If I live 80 years, how can I compare that time against eternity? I mean, how can you measure 80 years against eternity? It is impossible to do. God doesn't work within the bounds of time where as humans are bound to it. We are bound to this earthly timeline and have the choice every minute to make that minute, which is an untarnished minute in time, good or bad.

So for day 21, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dates
Also, I have been reading every day and have not missed a day of my Bible reading even though I have not said so in this section.

Changes:

Reading my Bible has been a great experience. If I don't do it until late at night I feel less motivated and it seem like a hurdle. When I do it early in the day I feel better during the day and enjoy my day more.

I have been reading Samuel. It is neat to start hearing about Saul and Samuel. Saul is a good example of someone that was lead by God that chose to turn from Him. I say this because it is how I felt about salvation. It is not a gift that God hands to you and you hand back over and over again. God will never stop trying but there comes a time when you turn from God and ask Him to stop trying and I believe He will. This is the unforgivable sin. I don't know if Saul committed this sin because I am not the judge. I just know that I don't ever want to reject the Lord. I don't want Him to give up on me and I don't believe He will.

Day 20: Gods leading

Day 20 was interesting in so many ways. I will say that is was a far cry different day from yesterday. I was driving to my friends house in Colorado Springs. I don't like long drives because it gives me too much time to think. I would rather keep busy and think less about the stresses of this world. God has an interesting way of speaking to us. While driving I began to think about the workout I had made sure to get in before I left. I began to think about all the things I am going to do in the future like my MBA, Law school, moving. All these things are goals I have set for myself.

I contemplated not working out today because I was going to leave for my friends but then I just made myself do it. It brought back into my mind my adage. The theme I am taking from this experience so far. NEVER GIVE UP. I will never give up. I have goals and I am going for them.

So for day 20, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Exercise
No Dates
No Lying

Changes:

I have to remind myself that I am not turning back. I am not giving up. I have those goals and I am going to follow them through. I am asking God to guide me through this because I have no other options. "Let me follow you, and let me trace your lines."

Day 19: The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

I started my workout today after reading my Bible. I finished Judges and began Ruth. She was kind of an interesting and powerful lady. She followed her mother-in-law blindly and never left her. I thought about that during my workout. I couldn't finish because this was the first time I have done the leg workout and it was too much for me. But when I was done I ran 2.4 miles to supplement.

While I was running I began to pray that God would take complete control of my life today. I prayed that He would give me the tools necessary to survive another day. And as I ran I realized that I had been doing all the talking these past few weeks. So I snapped out of it and asked God to speak to me. I took out my head phones and just listened. I began to have thoughts pour into my head. I began to hear God. And I began to cry uncontrollably until I saw a big truck coming toward me and thought, "I don't want to be crying when that truck passes. What if he asks me what is wrong?"

But I wasn't crying out of sadness. I was crying because of what God said to me. I basically asked Him to reveal Himself to me today. The wind was blowing and He began to speak. "Josh, do you see the wind?" Obviously I didn't. "You cannot see me either but you can see the evidence of the wind. You feel it on your face and hear it whipping past your ears. You see the trees blowing and you see the dust flying. I am the same Josh. You can see evidence of me everywhere. I am here." This is when I began to cry. He continued, "You are here for a reason and I am going to bless you like I did Moses, Aaron, Abraham, and Isaac. You are going to do great things and were meant for great things. Follow Me and do not turn to the right or to the left and I will make you great."

This is almost the same speech I have heard my mother give me. I heard her words, "Josh, you are special and were meant for great things." At this point, it was getting fairly hard to run and cry at the same time but I continued on. I knew I had just heard God speak to me and was overwhelmed. It pushed me to run harder and harder.

The tears finally dried up and I responded. "Whatever you want me to do God. I will do."

So for day 19, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is changing my heart. I told you the story above to have a Mickey Rooney moment and tell you the rest of the story. I have been praying for Gods guidance in my life and for Him to take control. I ask Him almost every day to lead and guide. Yesterday, my father told ma about a car that my grandfather was selling. He said, "Blue Book value is like $3,800 but grandpa will sell it to you for $1,000." I was excited and planned to call him today and ask him if I could buy it. I wasn't too surprised that God had opened a door and was giving me the means to be able to pay off my debt and build a little breathing room for myself for when I went out to California. I had trusted in God to provide and He did. My plan was to buy the car and sell it, then invest the rest of the money.

I called my dad to ask him for the phone number for my grandfather and he told me that my sister had already bought the car. I was pretty mad for about twenty minutes. I have always been a little jealous of my sister because of some of the advantages she gets and it has been a process for me to lose that anger. I just felt like this was another thing that she was getting over me.

But I have to take a step back. "If you are faithful with little, the Lord will make you faithful with much." My sister is much more devoted to Christ than I have ever been. I was crushed because of the conversation I had just had with God, but I will follow God no matter what He gives me or what He takes away. I am in His will and if He sees fit to give this car to my sister, then so be it. Everything is in His hands. The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away.

I have never spoken to God like that before and today was the most momentous day I have had since beginning this journey.

Day 18: Never, never, never give up

This day has had so many mixed emotions for me. I am certainly struggling in many ways. I had to beg God today to release me from my past. I have been caught in thought about regrets I have and digging up the sins I have buried. It is a good and bad day. I avoided P90X because it was Yoga and I didn't want to diet last night. This whole work schedule has got me off track. I am going to have to get used to it.

My biggest hurdle is reminding myself that God is in control and I can never give up. I was running today. 3.8 miles I ran. I was getting tired and I was thinking about all those aforementioned issues and I just began to pray as hard as I could. I was just begging God for freedom. And then the words "never give up" popped into my head. With every step I repeated those words. "Never Give UP!" It was the longest run I have had since starting P90X.

So for day 18, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

I felt like I reverted back to a mind set that was destructive today. I am glad that I have this blog to be able to pour this information into because in writing it down, I am able to process the thoughts I am having and the source of the frustration. Returning to God every day and begging Him to take the lead is the only way to survive in this world. When you think about it, living on this earth for 70 years is nothing when measured against eternity. So why not live this life for God? It is a hard 70 years but I just have to remind myself that God's got this. Never, never, never give up.

Day 17: Pushing On

I was working out today I began to feel this power. I don't know how to explain it but I was pushing harder and harder without any feeling of fatigue. I just worked harder and harder. I was listening to this song over and over. I posted it a few posts ago. Its about how we need to play the background. I listened carefully to the lyrics and I was inspired I guess. I was motivated. This song talks about how God can take the lead in my life. "Just let me follow you and let me trace your lines". I want that with all that I am. I want to follow God without care of what others think.

I remember the feelings I had a few months ago. I felt like I wasn't a man because I didn't have the appearance of power. Every man wants to feel strong but I am understanding what real strength is. I am reading Joshua like I said yesterday. This book has me thinking about how God can take us from where we were slaves to sin and give us the desires of our hearts. He did it with Israel. He took them to Cannan and gave them all that He had promised. He poured His blessings on them even though they had turned from Him several times. He rewarded them for their persistence. God really held up His end of the bargain.

So for day 17, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise (plus a 3 mile run)
No lying
No dates

Changes:

This is the first time in my life that I have began to make positive habits for myself. I am noticing that every day I work out and read my Bible, I am motivated to continue. It seems that it is all I think about. I wake up and can't wait to read and work out. I feel better than I have ever felt.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."