Day 75: It's Not the End

I shared a song with you a while ago and it says that I can play the background. God can take the lead. This statement came to my mind while driving this morning. I want to play the background to God. No focus on me because none of this journey would be possible without Him.

So I have been thinking about what I am going to do after my journey is done. I am almost two weeks from completion. I have been thinking about what happens after I am done. If this journey has really showed me freedom or if I have found it. I have been freed from some things but I don't know if I have truly found the freedom I was looking for.

"It's not the end. It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you going to finish strong?"

So for day 75, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I have accepted the Grace of God. This is one of the first times I have accepted Gods grace in its pure form. This is in my belief, the freedom that I am searching for.

Day 74: I've Said it Before and I'll Say it Again

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

So for day 74, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am losing weight again and noticing a marked improvement in my body. I love the change and am starting to see muscle definition. This is the first time in my life I have thought that it was possible for me to have abs.

Day 73: Hope

Today I was reading Isaiah. I was thinking about running and came across this verse in Isaiah 53? I think. It said that if we hope in the Lord we shall mount up on wings like eagles, we shall run and not grow weary, walk and not faint. I was encouraged by this because I have been discouraged about my workouts lately. I have been tired while running and have had trouble getting through P90x. Not sure why.

The other part of this verse is so encouraging because all it asks us to do in order to have the blessings is to hope in the Lord. That's it. Nothing else is required. I have a hope in my God and a hope for the future. Even if this whole world turns out to be a dream or if Christianity is some phony religion made up ages ago, hope is what will keep me on the right path and give me a better life. If this whole life was a farce, then I have lost nothing, but if I have hope in something and it turns out to be real then I have gained everything.

So for day 73, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I was hanging out with my buddy and his wife this evening. I was telling them about the chains that I have broken during this 90 days and about the chains I have found that I didn't know I had. This whole experience is about finding freedom, not about finding bondage. But I guess if you don't know what holds you back, you can't address it. So I found a new chain in my life. I am going to have to confront this burden and release myself from its grip. It is going to be hard and I am not going to go into too much detail on this one because it is so personal. But a conversation is going to have to take place and I don't want to be condemning. I need prayer on this one.

Day 72: Planning for the Unexpected

Today was a day of contentment once again for me. I woke up and felt alive and energized. I was happy with life. I have finally balanced everything well and have re-prioritized myself. I am able to get things done and have time to watch the Rockies game.

I love sports, maybe a little too much. I have to take a step back sometimes and realize what those distractions I have talked about before are. I have, all too many times, set sports in front of my other priorities just because the timing. I get home and there is a game on so I push everything back a few hours to watch it. I don't like that. I think this is one of my biggest distractions.

I want to have priorities that I want to accomplish. I guess you could say that there are priorities that people want to do and priorities that people need to do. Making your life full of priorities you want to do seems the easy way. Making your life full of priorities that you need to do seems the right way. So when do the priorities I want to do become the priorities I need to do?

So for day 72, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have made my life easier by sticking to plans. I have plans for everything now. I have plans for working out. Plans for eating. Plans for sleeping. Plans for reading. When life gets in the way of our plans then what? This is what I mean by priorities. I have balanced things well but now what? If life gets in the way again will I go through another valley? I guess the key to success is planning for the unexpected as well.

Day 71: Just Listens

What an incredible evening. I found this spot during one of my runs that takes me through the wilderness behind Alamosa. The path runs beside the river and is beautiful to run beside. The run is fairly peaceful and illegal I think because there are No Trespassing signs, but it is a clearly marked path and I can tell people run there a lot. Just off the path there is a little beach beside the river that is sort of secluded. It has willows that guard the beach from view and you wouldn't know it was there unless you went searching for it.

That is exactly what I did the first time I found it. Curiosity led me to it. I would sit there and pray sometimes. The other day I took this girl out there and we started a fire. We sat out there until late and ate smores and talked. It was one of the best nights I have ever had in Alamosa. It was peaceful and calm. We had gotten there just after a rain storm. We talked about the journey we were both on and how God had been infecting our lives. It was nice to share with someone who understands my journey and doesn't judge. Doesn't solicit advice. Doesn't try to change me. Just listens.

So for day 71, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Today, I felt content. This is a feeling I haven't had in a long time.

Day 70: Change my Attitude

Church has been frustrating for me recently. I have been sitting there going through the motions of tradition. This outlined service that we do every week. Nothing new. Nothing unexpected. Just the same routine. I listen to the same prayer and same songs. I hear the "sincerity" in peoples voices but I don't know if I believe it.

I experienced the true reason for church a few weeks ago. A buddy of mine and I have been experiencing some of the same struggles in our walk with God and he has just been inviting me to hang out with him and work out. It has been very encouraging to have friends like him and his wife. I believe this is what church is supposed to be. Friends being there for friends.

So for day 70, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I guess I am going to have to try to change my attitude about church. Either that or try to change church. This is a fork in the road for me because both of these choices are going to take work on my part.

Day 69: Decisions, Decisions

I feel like I am supposed to catch up today but I have been taking it easy for some stupid reason. I am distracted and I have no motivation to continue. I don't know why I go through these valleys and slumps. I wish that I could be focused on my goal all the time but I sometimes fall short. I am going to hang out with this girl tonight and I seem to have to motivation to do that so why can't I have the motivation to read and work out?

I have been doing quite a bit of reading but it has been catch up and I am not getting anything out of it. I am going to have to refocus this weekend and discipline myself. That is what this is all about isn't it? Discipline.

So for day 69, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am going clothes shopping soon and have to keep a close eye on my finances. I need to buy new clothes that fit me but I can't really afford it. So this got me thinking about a career and I have been talking to my dad about running his business. If I do that, I would have to stay here in Alamosa. I don't know if that is a smart move or not but I am going to have to decide. Decisions, decisions.

Day 68: Getting the Feeling Back

Today I began to read Isaiah. It is an interesting book and I don't know yet what to think. I have been getting away from the meaning of my reading. I just read now and get very little from it. I don't know if that is because the reading I am engaging in is more encouragement rather than history. I don't know but whatever it is, I want the old feeling back.

I know that decisions in life shouldn't be made based on my decisions but can I help it? Why else did God give us feelings?

So for day 68, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:

I have the desire to share my testimony for some reason.

Day 67: Positive Influences

Distraction is an interesting concept because it seems I am constantly distracted. But if I am focusing on the distractions then the distractions are really my goal and not a distraction at all but success instead right? I only ask because the reality is that everything I do is a distraction from something else. Whether I am working out to distract myself from the mundane life of sitting on the couch watching TV or I am at work checking my facebook to distract me from the frustration and stress of the environment.

It seems that I am living in a constant state of distraction. Even this journey is a distraction from the negative things in my life. My question is when does life become real? When do I just live a full and honest life with no distractions? When are my intentions, my heart, my integrity, and my will going to be strong enough that distraction never needs to be a part of my vocabulary?

Sol for day 67, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying

Changes:

My motivation is sort of stagnant. I am finding it hard to continue this experience and keep up with the rigorous schedule. But the difference now has been good friends encouraging me and helping me through. Friends that call to work out with me and ask if I have finished my reading. Positive influences.

Day 66: Still Small Voice

I wondered what the point of life would be if you only had this earth. If you walked this life and had no hope beyond the 80 years that were given to you. If that was the case then what would be the point of following the laws of God? If you had no motivation beyond yourself then why would anyone live a good life? I was talking to this girl the other day. We went and saw the Thorn which is a passion play. It was good and that night she told me that she wanted to give her heart to God.

This whole experience got me thinking about this subject. I had lived my life for myself for so long. It seems almost impossible to live it for someone else. I don't know how she feels. I just started thinking about if I had never met her. Where would she be or where would I be? God has a plan for everything. A plan for everyone. If I hadn't met her and gone through what I did then I wouldn't be where I am. God knew that and used her to change my life. Now I hope He is using me to do the same for her.

I am listening to Forever Young by Jay Z. He uses a line that really hit me. If you are living your life as if this is your only time, as if there is no forever, and if you are living this life as if salvation is not something that you find out if you receive at the end, then "when the director yells cut I'll be fine."

"Life is for living, not living uptight until you're somewhere up in the sky." Jay Z

So for day 66, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying


Changes:

This God of mine is pricking my heart again. You know when you have done things for so long that the feelings of guilt go away and you no longer listen to your conscience? I am getting those feelings of remorse and guilt back. My conscience is speaking to me again in a still small voice.

Day 65: Fat Picture

Stereo systems are taken for granted. I have a stereo system and when I am feeling down I can always pop in a CD or throw on an mp3 and listen to the melodic tunes of Jack Johnson or Mettafix. It changes my mood and helps me cope.

I guess life is full of coping. Especially here in America. We have everything and yet we have nothing. Our lives are filled with so many pleasures and yet we seem very unhappy. I believe the saying, "idle hands are of the devil". I see it in my own life all the time. I feel like I have nothing and I am poor but I still have huge blessing that are overlooked.


I have a skateboard. That may seem trivial but if I sell that board I could feed a child overseas for a year (at least according to the commercials). That is mind blowing. I am not sure I believe that. I used to send money to this kid in Zimbabwe with the floor of my dorm. Each time we got a picture of the kid he had more and more. He was wearing these sweet Nike shoes once and I thought, "jeez, the next picture we get of this kid he will have an ipod and soon he will be sponsoring me to go to school."

"What you need to do is be thankful for the life you got... Stop looking at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got... Unhappy with your riches cause you're piss poor morally."- T. I.

So for day 65, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I have found a picture from 2 years ago when I wanted to start P90x and didn't. It is amazing how large I am in this picture. This is me 50 pounds ago. You will have to wait for the after picture.

Day 64: Just Another Brick

I have been saying "dog" like it was going out of style. I can't help it though. I am not really sure why but it just comes spewing out of my mouth like vomit at an after party. It seems almost involuntary. This becomes less and less noticeable to me as the days go by. I don't even know I am saying it. It has become habitual.

Our lives certainly lend themselves to a habitual nature. Some of us are stronger than others but few of us have the strength to fight off habits. I have heard that you should practice making your life full of positive habits. I beg to differ. When good things in your life become habits they tend to lose their meaning.

Scenario: You are walking along a brick road. This road is long and boring. It passes through middle of the desert. It is hot and you are thirsty. The road is made of red bricks packed tightly together. Definitely the work of a professional. You walk along this road for hours upon hours. You finally come to a brick that is bright blue, like the sky. You notice this brick because it is different from all the rest. There is nothing special about the red bricks because they are all the same but this blue brick seems so brilliant and unflawed even though it doesn't fit. The brick is misshaped and doesn't fit the slot intended for it. You stop to look at the brick in wonder if even for a short time before you continue on. You finally reach your destination: home. Your family gathers around and asks you about your journey. Not much to report really except you saw this one brick on the road that was different from all the rest. "It was vibrant and colorful" you say. "All I could think about was that brick the rest of my journey." "Why is that?" your family asks. "Because I couldn't help but think that I am a red brick. I fall into the same routine every day and follow the crowd. I fit the mold perfectly. I am just a piece in the path with nothing that stands out. I don't want to be a red brick anymore. I want to be a blue brick. I want people to remember me on their journey. I want people to know that I am different and I don't fit the mold perfectly. I am a little awkward and a little different but I am perfect. I am not a creature of habit but a habitual creature. I will make it a habit to be different."

 

So for day 64, I accomplished the following:

 

No drinking

No smoking

P90x Diet

No lying

No dating

 

Changes:

 

I don't want to be just another Christian walking around touting the exploits of Jesus. I want people to remember me on teir journey. I want to make an impact. I don't want to be just another brick.

Day 63: Fate

I don't think I believe in fate. I am not quite sure but it seems that the concept of fate is around for a reason. Faith is something that you believe in because you have hope. Fate is something totally different because fate is something you believe in because you have no control. To me, fate means that something was meant to happen or happened for a reason. I do believe that things happen for a reason in this world but does fate really dictate my life? Am I really that out of control?

I was thinking about God giving us absolute freedom as the human race. If this is true, then did He give us freedom even from Him? I mean complete freedom would mean that we are free even of His foresight right? He knows us and our hearts. He has plans for our futures and plans for our safety. He comes when we call on Him. But beyond these things, what does absolute freedom mean?

So for day 63, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am starting to feel a little out of control. I have been behind on my reading and am trying to play catch up. I want to finish this goal I have set so I will be buckling down in the next few weeks to really ready and finish what I started. I am feeling like this is a choice that I am making. Not like I was predestined to finish. I made a plan and am following through. Is me finishing this task fate or is it completely my choice?

Day 62: I'm Amazed

So for day 63, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am amazed by God. I have changed in my heart and I know that I can overcome any obstacle in my way.

Day 61: Nothing Else Matters

I was reading in Psalms today about how humans are but a breath on the earth. I read about how we are like a flower that grow and then the wind comes and blows us away ans the place where we once were no longer remembers us. We are absolutely worthless. Nothing.

It then goes on to talk about how God's love for those who fear Him is from everlasting to everlasting. That means that God remembers us. He knew me before I was me and will remember me after I am gone. Forever. This is comforting to know. I was planted on this earth and will be gone someday. People will forget my name and this earth will not remember who I was or what I did but God will never forget me and I will see Him again because of His love.

So for day 62, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have refocused on God and his unfailing love for me. I am back in the arms of my creator and no one will ever shake that from me again. A promise I know I cannot keep, but I will never give up on God as long as I live. He is it. Nothing else matters.

Day 60: Letting Go

This is one of the hardest things for me ever. I have been hanging out with the girl that started this whole things and we finally had the talk about how I had to get back to God and finish my journey. I made a commitment to myself and to God and I have let Him down and myself down as well. I lost trust in my God and let myself get distracted. But this journey isn't over. God isn't done with me.

This journey is like an elevator and once I made the decision to embark on building a better life I got on and pushed the up button. Now I may have fallen down in the elevator but it is still going up. I am not quitting and I am not giving up but I need your help God. I am writing this and I can't hold back the tears. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have lost control. I need you God. I need you to pick me back up because I can't do this alone.

So for day 60, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying

Changes:

I took a girl on a date and had a wonderful time. I felt awful though. I felt like I was cheating on myself or this other girl or God. All these things I thought about before the date but I did it anyways. I want this to be in the change column because it is helping me to understand what my weaknesses are. Where God can can take the lead. This is why I had that conversation with the girl. I had to tell her if I was ever going to be successful in life with myself or  ever respect myself then I was going to have to let go. And this is scary. I am worried that because of this I will never get her back. But I have to trust my God. I have to trust Him fully and that is the hardest part of letting go.

Day 59: Gods Plan?

Confusion and distraction. This is what women bring to the table and the reason I decided to keep them out of this journey. I am glad I did but the timing is frustrating. I meet girls that I find attractive and want to get to know but I have to keep them at arms length because of my commitment. I know I said I was dropping that part of finding freedom but who am I kidding. I started this with a goal in mind and I have to stick to it.

It seems so hard for me to focus at times but I am getting my commitments done every day. I am still having to play catch up with my reading and it isnt' easy. Especially with this new shift I am doing. It is from 10-6 so it splits my day in half.

I sometimes wonder if God really has a plan for me or not. I find myself wanting to take the wheel so often and I don't know if it is worth it or not. Well obviously it isn't but the feelings I have tell me I can do it on my own. I hate feeling that way. I want to feel dependent like nothing I do is right without Gods help. That way I will never lose focus, never get off track, never question or second guess. I think Gods plan is to have me trust Him. If I am doing that, then I am following his plan.

So for day 59, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I spent almost four hours at the gym. This seems a bit extreme but I am working hard to try and break through this plateau that I am at. I weighed myself and I am 190lbs. I am about to break into the 180's and I am so excited. I am only 10lbs from my goal. I have the rest of this month to do it. There is a song by Liknin Park where they talk about breaking the habit. "I am breaking the habit tonight." This line is true of me and this journey, it has been about me breaking the habits. I have finally broken my bad habits and have 30 days to replace them with new ones. Gods plan?

Day 58: Fingers Crossed?

I am reading in Psalms. I like Psalms sort of and dislike it because of the speed at which I am reading it. You go through it so fast that all the Psalms seem to blend together and sound the same. "Lord, protect me from that, save me from this, I praise you for these." It all sounds that same. Encouraging stuff but I am going through it way too fast.

I have been working out hard and did Plyometrics. It is a rough workout but then I was in the middle of it and thought, "I only have to do this workout 3 more times and then I am finished!" It was a crazy thought.
I can't believe that I am almost done with this. Only 32 more days. I have only made it this far with the help of God. That is my only explanation.

So for day 58, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I measured my biceps and they are growing. I am starting to notice definition in my arms and body. I am looking vastly different from when I started. I hope to continue this trend and push myself towards my goal. I am sort of plateauing in weight loss but everything else is seeming to change on my body. I want to reach 180 pounds by the end of this experience. Fingers crossed? No, it is a sure thing. When you set a goal and can see the finish line, then you are going to finish strong.

Day 57: Motivation

The days seem to be going by faster and faster. I don't know why or how but they do. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was starting this challenge. So I went over to a friends house last night to discuss the issues I am having with women and dating. I was given some advice that opened my eyes. She told me that if I really wanted something to happen with this girl, then I would tell her to wait. Wait until I finish the challenge I set out to finish. If she waits, then she just may be worth the risk. If she doesn't then there are other fish in the sea. This will sort of be a test to see whether or not she thinks I am worth it.

So I went over to the girls house and we talked about it. I asked her to respect my journey and she sort of blew me away with her response. She told me she had already been thinking about it and she didn't want to get in the way of this journey. She wanted to back off and respect the challenge. I loved hearing that and I very excited. Not that I want her to wait for me or anything, but I I can finish this challenge I presented to myself without distraction. If she is there at the end that I will be very happy. If not, I will still be happy because I can respect myself.

So for day 57, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

My motivation has changed significantly. I used to do things because I wanted to be noticed for my efforts but now I am doing things because of God. He is waking me up, giving me energy, filling my heart with happiness and this is what is giving me the strength I need to continue. Ask anyone who knew me before and they will tell you that I was not the most motivated person. In fact, I was lazy. But with the help of God and my new found joy of life, I am able to find pure, unadulterated motivation.

Day 56: Gearing Up

I took my nephews over to a friends house last night. We all watched Yogi Bear and ate popcorn. It was fun for the nephews but while we were sitting there, my friend asked me if I could read the Bible through with her. I was kind of blown away because this isn't something I expected her to ask. I was raised Christian and have been around people that just thought like me all my life and to have someone that didn't share my belief system ask me that definitely made me perk up. Especially because this whole relationship I have with God is so new. I never knew the kind of influence I would be on people and still have a hard time believing it. I still feel like that worthless sinner that everyone was trying to "redeem" and to be considered a spiritual influence is heart warming.

So for day 56, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am gearing up for the upcoming week because I am hitting P90x hard after my recovery week. So the changes I am noticing are about my eating habits. I have been ingesting more and more food to fuel my body for this workout. It is a month of straight intense workout. I will be hitting this hard and also doing some Bible catch up because I fell behind. Pray for me that I can get back on the right path. Never, never, never give up!

Day 55: Freedom from What?

I am not sure why I care so much about finding freedom. I think I may have found freedom in some aspects but the freedom I have found isn't really freedom at all. I have replaced one addiction with another. I am addicted to working out. I can't just rest for a day. I find it hard to just sit back and take it easy. Now this addiction is good but it is still an addiction right? Isn't this just another thing that binds me?

So for day 55, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

Then changes I seek seem to be freeing me from sin but binding me to Christ. I am not sure what kind of freedom I am searching for but I don't know if this is it. I am searching fro freedom but from what?

Day 54: Every Mans Battle?

I am not sure what every mans battle might be but I know that I am a man and I am in the midst of a battle. I have always dated girls know the outcome. Usually we would begin dating at camp or at school and I knew that inevitably, the relationship would end because of the situation. Long distance is never good in a relationship. Well, now I am in hot water. I have interest in girls but the situation is much the same. I am going to leave and the relationship will end. I think it was a good idea to not date for finding freedom but I am at the point where I want to get to know someone and find out about them. I like the company and enjoy the journey. So I am leaving that part of finding freedom behind.

This journey has changed in the last 54 days. I have discovered so much about myself and about what God means in my life. I don't think the journey is changing at all. I think it is improving. I believe God is leading my life now and I believe that if I pray and move forward then I am living Gods plan for my life. Every day I put my life in His hands and that will bring me freedom.

So for day 54, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I feel like such a bum because this is my recovery week from P90x. I was supposed to have another one but I blew right through it. So I am trying to take this one more seriously so I won't get burned out. I have a month of intense workouts coming and I want to have the energy to do it. I am also going to be hitting the New Testament in my reading. I am excited about the New Testament. So I am gearing up this week.

So the changes that I am noticing are that I am addicted to working out. If I don't do it, I feel so lazy and rediculous. I am noticing a large amount of muscle mass and I am excited about the physical transformation. I have improved in all three areas I set out to improve. Mental, physical, and spiritual. Physically, I am more fit and healthier. Mentally, I am thinking clearer and thinking things through. Spiritually, I am giving every day to God. Through these elements, I am finding freedom.

Day 53: From Walls to Speed Bumps

I recently read a passage in Psalms 16. David is talking about how he has found strength in the Lord and I find this passage pretty amazing. It gives me some perspective on the gravity of finding freedom in 90 days. The importance of being grounded in something solid. The Psalm says, "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I WILL NOT be shaken." That is so powerful because it so real. So true. When God is on our side then the battle has already been won. No matter what event comes up in life, no matter what trial is before me, I will not be shaken.

So for day 53, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying


Changes:

The fact that I can look at my life with a different perspective then before seems to give me some light. Being able to look at obstacles or trials as only speed bumps instead of brick walls. Hopefully, I will be able to view them as sidewalks at some point in my life but for now, I know that I may be slowed by my sins, slowed by my decisions, and slowed by my mistakes but I am not going to stop. I am turning walls into speed bumps.

Day 52: Rest

It is when you are at your most vulnerable that you learn the most and gain the most. Tonight I had a little taste of what got me into this mess in the first place. I had begun to hang out with the girl that was the catalyst for finding freedom in 90 days again. Her and I were talking and she made some serious promises about her intent and her commitment. It was all interesting to hear and I was receptive though guarded. Obviously. Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back. Tonight, we were talking on her porch and a guy drove up. He walked up to us and asked us what was happening. I wasn't sure what was happening so I didn't answer. But apparently there was something between them.

Remember in my first blog when I talked about how she left me for her ex? Well, this is a different ex and they were talking again I guess. So in some ways, he is in the same boat I was on January 1st.

So here I am, completely vulnerable and tired. Tired of the games, tired of the lies, tired of the hurt. I am just tired. I guarded myself this time for a reason. A good reason. I can't say I am shocked or surprised. I am just tired. Really, really tired.

So for day 52, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

This time its different. The hurt is replaced by absolute love. God's love. And I know that because of Him that I have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. God's got this. And with that knowledge, I can finally find rest.

Day 51: Lost

Women are gonna be the death of me. I have sort of put things on the back burner this week because I have been hanging out with this girl. I am not sure why or if it is a good idea. I am a little frustrated with myself because I am breaking the commitments that I made. I have some decisions to make. God isn't going to leave me and that is a comforting feeling.

I have been slacking on my Bible reading and I have a recovery week for P90x so I am struggling to find the strength or motivation to continue. I have to get my head out of the clouds and come back to reality. I am not sure how to do that but I am sure that God has the answer and can lead me to it.

So for day 51, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I don't notice many right now. I am lost.

Day 50: Calloused

So for day 50, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No Lying

Changes:

I am noticing that I am becoming more and ore calloused to the problems in my own life. I am feeling like I am losing control of the feelings I have and am unable to utilize them to help me make decisions. I don't know why God gave us feelings but I am having a hard time processing them.

Day 49: Where do I go from here?

Where do I go from here? I have accomplished so much and have now broken a rule I made. I said I will not be dating and I had a date last night. I allowed it to happen and am having a hard time feeling bad about it. I just don't know where to turn. I feel very disconnected right now and unsure of what I am doing. Our pastor showed us a video in church that was very inspiring because it is exactly what I have been going through. Before, when I would make mistakes, I would have no earthly friends to rely on to help me make sense of my stupidity and help me back on the right path and now I do. This video represents that. It talks about how geese fly in formation to reduce drag and create uplift for the bird directly behind them. If on goose gets hurt and has to land, two other geese will accompany it until it is back to health or dies.

So for day 49, I accomplished the following,

No drinking
No smoking
No lying

Changes:

I am starting to feel the urge to abandon parts of my journey and I need to reverse this thinking.

Day 48: Reverse

I want to show a video for today that really blew my mind.

So for day 48, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have been blessed by the fact that others around me are asking questions and I have the opportunity to share.

Day 47: Pray and Move Forward

Job is a great book so far. Job thinks he is so righteous and upright and God is now speaking to Job. He is speaking to Job in a storm and he tells him that He is in control. Not Job. He is the one who holds everything in place and who is Job to question that?

I am struggling with that a bit right now. If God is in control, then why do bad things happen and people on this earth have a miserable existence. Why does life seem to come down to chance? If God has a plan for every persons life then how can some peoples lives look so miserable? I complain a lot about the bad things that have happened to me but they don't hold a candle to the cards others were dealt. I have been looking too long at what I don't have instead of what I do have.

So for day 47, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am starting to get a lot of attention from women. I don't know how to react to this or what to say. I had a girl from the bank slip her phone number in the deposit tube when she sent my receipt back. What make is harder is she is beautiful. I mean really pretty and I have always thought that. I have made this commitment and I don't know how to react to this or handle it. The girl that started the whole experience is being much more friendly ans is asking me to do things with her outside of work and I don't know how to handle that either. I guess I just have to put it in Gods hands. If you pray and give your day to God then what more can you do? Pray and move forward.