I was reading the Bible this morning and I was reading in Joshua. I have always felt a connection to Joshua because we share the same name but also because I see a lot of me in him or him in me. You see, Joshua was being groomed to be a leader all the time he was in the desert with Moses. When Moses finally died, Joshua took over and became the leader of an entire nation. I feel this connection because I have always had the qualities of a good leader. I want to have the qualities of a great leader. I found that there was a difference when I was in high school. Stephanie Johnson instilled in me the seeds necessary for me to grow into a great leader. The difference is a good leader will take people where they want to go. A great leader will show them where they need to be.
Joshua was a great leader because he led without thought of self. He led thinking of others.
So for day 16, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No lying
No dates
Changes:
I am starting to get into a routine every day. I am getting so repetitive with my actions that things are becoming habitual. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he said, "man, I don't think P90X is sustainable for guys our size" and I thought about that over the next few days. He might be right, but I am making it a habit and I am not going to break the habit. I hope this will mean at the end of the 90 days I will feel so lost without the work out that I will just continue to do it out of habit.
I am also noticing that the mornings that I have an intentional prayer to have God lead my life, my day seems to go much better. I have less angry thoughts, I curse less, I am more understanding. I am liking this change because every day, even though it is small things, I am noticing God changing me little by little. I am feeling so connected.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Day 15: Masterpiece
This day reminded me of the importance of taking God with you daily. I feel like life is a struggle every day and I have to remind myself that even though I have made this decision to follow God's leading, I cannot have a good day unless Gos is guiding me. I have to intentionally ask God to take the lead and I will play the background. I am disappointed in myself so often because I have forgotten to ask God to be with me.
I wrote a letter. I feel like I need to make my peace with this girl so I wrote her a letter. I haven't given it to her but essentially it says thank you. It was a letter letting her know that my life is changed because of what happened between us. I think God used that situation to wake me up and make me realize that He is tho only true rock. He broke me down to build me up. I have been reading Deuteronomy which was in interesting book because it was supposedly written by Moses but yet it describes Moses's death. It must have been finished by Joshua. Either way, the book kind of wraps up Israel's 40 years in the desert. It opens a new door for Israel. Essentially, God has given them the tools and disciplined them like a father disciplines his child. I believe whole with all my heart that this is the same lesson God is teaching me know. He is teaching me discipline. Breaking my habits down to build me back up.
So for day 15, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking (15 days with no drink is sort of a record for me)
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise (3/4th of the workout because I worked out on an empty stomach and got sick).
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I am noticing that God is changing the way I think. I am less and less attracted to the evil things of this world and I feel like God is restoring my conscience. I feel bad when I curse or look at a girl. I feel like I shouldn't be doing these things. I am glad for that. That means that God is chiseling me into His original masterpiece so that ultimately, when people see me, they actually see Jesus.
I wrote a letter. I feel like I need to make my peace with this girl so I wrote her a letter. I haven't given it to her but essentially it says thank you. It was a letter letting her know that my life is changed because of what happened between us. I think God used that situation to wake me up and make me realize that He is tho only true rock. He broke me down to build me up. I have been reading Deuteronomy which was in interesting book because it was supposedly written by Moses but yet it describes Moses's death. It must have been finished by Joshua. Either way, the book kind of wraps up Israel's 40 years in the desert. It opens a new door for Israel. Essentially, God has given them the tools and disciplined them like a father disciplines his child. I believe whole with all my heart that this is the same lesson God is teaching me know. He is teaching me discipline. Breaking my habits down to build me back up.
So for day 15, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking (15 days with no drink is sort of a record for me)
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise (3/4th of the workout because I worked out on an empty stomach and got sick).
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I am noticing that God is changing the way I think. I am less and less attracted to the evil things of this world and I feel like God is restoring my conscience. I feel bad when I curse or look at a girl. I feel like I shouldn't be doing these things. I am glad for that. That means that God is chiseling me into His original masterpiece so that ultimately, when people see me, they actually see Jesus.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 14: No Turning Back
Today I was sitting in church and God spoke to me. I don't mean I heard His voice but I knew that was the pastor was talking about was speaking to me. He shared a story that made so much sense. It opened my eyes and I realized for the first time in my life that there is no turning back. I have made a decision and I can't go back. I have to follow this thing through.
The story is as follows:
About 150 years ago, there was a great revival in Wales, England. As a result of this, many missionaries came from England and Germany to North-East India to spread the Gospel. At the time, north-east India was not divided into many states as it is today. The region was known as Assam and comprised hundreds of tribes. The tribal communities were quite primitive and aggressive by nature. The tribals were also called head-hunters because of a social custom which required the male members of the community to collect as many heads as possible. A man’s strength and ability to protect his wife was assessed by the number of heads he had collected. Therefore, a youth of marriageable age would try and collect as many heads as possible and hang them on the walls of his house. The more heads a man had, the more eligible he was considered. Into this hostile and aggressive community, came a group of Welsh missionaries spreading the message of love, peace and hope of Jesus Christ. Naturally, they were not welcomed. One Welsh missionary succeeded in converting a man, his wife, and two children. This man’s faith proved contagious and many villagers began to accept Christianity. Angry, the village chief summoned all the villagers. He then called the family who had first converted to renounce their faith in public or face execution. Moved by the Holy Spirit, the man instantly composed a song which became famous down the years. He sang:
I have decided to follow Jesus. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
Enraged at the refusal of the man, the chief ordered his archers to arrow down the two children. As both boys lay twitching on the floor, the chief asked, “Will you deny your faith? You have lost both your children. You will lose your wife too.”
But the man sang these words in reply:
Though no one joins me, still I will follow. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
The chief was beside himself with fury and ordered his wife to be arrowed down. In a moment she joined her two children in death. Now he asked for the last time, “I will give you one more opportunity to deny your faith and live.”
In the face of death the man sang the final memorable lines:
The cross before me, the world behind me. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
He was shot dead like the rest of his family. But with their deaths, a miracle took place. The chief who had ordered the killings was moved by the faith of the man. He wondered, “Why should this man, his wife and two children die for a Man who lived in a far-away land on another continent some 2,000 years ago? There must be some supernatural power behind the family, and I too want that supernatural power.”
In a spontaneous confession of faith, he declared, “I too belong to Jesus Christ!” When the crowd heard this from the mouth of their chief, the whole village accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior.
So for day 14, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
This is my week. I have been losing so much weight. My goal for this week is to continue that weight loss by getting my weight under 200 lbs.
My heart is aching for so many reasons tonight. I want to have God take the lead in my life. I am having a hard time knowing how to live in this world without being of this world. I wish everyone could believe in God. This experience is showing me how bad sin looks. It's true colors are beginning to shine and I am so turned off by the pleasures of this world. I think that is why my heart hurts. I think about my friends, this girl, my co-workers and I wonder how they are going to find God if I don't show them? I heard a saying, "be careful how you live, you may be the only Bible someone will ever read."
I am glad Pastor shared that story today because today it has so much relevance in my life. Tonight, I have decided to follow Jesus, with the cross before and the world behind me, though no one joins me still will follow, no turning back. No turning back.
So, in closing, I want to share a prayer I wrote many years ago. This is my prayer tonight.
The prayer I pray tonight will keep,
My burdened eyes from losing sleep,
And start tomorrow a better way,
With no remorse from yesterday.
God keep my wondering mind on You,
And give me strength through and through,
To do the work you've given me,
And show this world eternity.
The story is as follows:
About 150 years ago, there was a great revival in Wales, England. As a result of this, many missionaries came from England and Germany to North-East India to spread the Gospel. At the time, north-east India was not divided into many states as it is today. The region was known as Assam and comprised hundreds of tribes. The tribal communities were quite primitive and aggressive by nature. The tribals were also called head-hunters because of a social custom which required the male members of the community to collect as many heads as possible. A man’s strength and ability to protect his wife was assessed by the number of heads he had collected. Therefore, a youth of marriageable age would try and collect as many heads as possible and hang them on the walls of his house. The more heads a man had, the more eligible he was considered. Into this hostile and aggressive community, came a group of Welsh missionaries spreading the message of love, peace and hope of Jesus Christ. Naturally, they were not welcomed. One Welsh missionary succeeded in converting a man, his wife, and two children. This man’s faith proved contagious and many villagers began to accept Christianity. Angry, the village chief summoned all the villagers. He then called the family who had first converted to renounce their faith in public or face execution. Moved by the Holy Spirit, the man instantly composed a song which became famous down the years. He sang:
I have decided to follow Jesus. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
Enraged at the refusal of the man, the chief ordered his archers to arrow down the two children. As both boys lay twitching on the floor, the chief asked, “Will you deny your faith? You have lost both your children. You will lose your wife too.”
But the man sang these words in reply:
Though no one joins me, still I will follow. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
The chief was beside himself with fury and ordered his wife to be arrowed down. In a moment she joined her two children in death. Now he asked for the last time, “I will give you one more opportunity to deny your faith and live.”
In the face of death the man sang the final memorable lines:
The cross before me, the world behind me. (3 times)
No turning back, no turning back.
He was shot dead like the rest of his family. But with their deaths, a miracle took place. The chief who had ordered the killings was moved by the faith of the man. He wondered, “Why should this man, his wife and two children die for a Man who lived in a far-away land on another continent some 2,000 years ago? There must be some supernatural power behind the family, and I too want that supernatural power.”
In a spontaneous confession of faith, he declared, “I too belong to Jesus Christ!” When the crowd heard this from the mouth of their chief, the whole village accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior.
So for day 14, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
This is my week. I have been losing so much weight. My goal for this week is to continue that weight loss by getting my weight under 200 lbs.
My heart is aching for so many reasons tonight. I want to have God take the lead in my life. I am having a hard time knowing how to live in this world without being of this world. I wish everyone could believe in God. This experience is showing me how bad sin looks. It's true colors are beginning to shine and I am so turned off by the pleasures of this world. I think that is why my heart hurts. I think about my friends, this girl, my co-workers and I wonder how they are going to find God if I don't show them? I heard a saying, "be careful how you live, you may be the only Bible someone will ever read."
I am glad Pastor shared that story today because today it has so much relevance in my life. Tonight, I have decided to follow Jesus, with the cross before and the world behind me, though no one joins me still will follow, no turning back. No turning back.
So, in closing, I want to share a prayer I wrote many years ago. This is my prayer tonight.
The prayer I pray tonight will keep,
My burdened eyes from losing sleep,
And start tomorrow a better way,
With no remorse from yesterday.
God keep my wondering mind on You,
And give me strength through and through,
To do the work you've given me,
And show this world eternity.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Day 13: I Miss Sin?
Day 13 gave me an interesting perspective on the way I view my current situation. I know I am relating a lot to this girl I dated but it is very relevant to what I am about to talk about. I went running today and while I was running I began to think about what attracted me to drinking, partying, and general sin in the first place. I never came up with an answer. I did, however, realize that I was in mourning or "missed" the sinful life. Not that I want to go back but because it was what consumed me for so long. It was sort of the same feeling I had while getting over this girl. I missed her even though I don't ever want to go back. You see, she betrayed me and left me broken. Sin has done the same thing. Satan had such a grip on my life and I didn't want to let go and when I did I felt like a part of me had died and was left empty. I am now filling that hole with something good and pure and leaving that sinful life behind but a part of me is still mourning the loss of that lifestyle. I am only saying this to be real with myself. If I said that I was strong enough to never look back then I would be a liar. I am glad God hasn't turned me to a pillar of salt because I am guilty of looking back.
Now I don't like comparing this girl to Satan or sin because I don't think that way about her at all but the feelings of loss are very similar. I am on the other side and I don't ever want to look back.
So for day 13, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
I would like to say that I didn't lie but I did tell my sister that I had to teach Sabbath school tomorrow so I didn't have to teach her cradle role class. Now, I wasn't sure if I had to teach or not but I was intentionally trying to get out of something by deceiving her. I have to apologize to her for that and somehow make up for it.
Changes:
I have noticed changes in my desire to know God. I no longer am being as passive with my reading but I am trying to pray to God. It is an intentional act. I am trying to communicate which I was not doing when I first started.
Tonight is the first time I have prayed to God a sincere prayer all week. I am asking God tonight to give me a new outlook and purify my heart so that I have no ill feelings and no evil thoughts. I am asking God for a new heart. I am asking God to help me get over sin. I am begging God for peace. I know this is a selfish prayer because I want God to do everything but it is a sincere prayer because I no longer want to miss sin.
Now I don't like comparing this girl to Satan or sin because I don't think that way about her at all but the feelings of loss are very similar. I am on the other side and I don't ever want to look back.
So for day 13, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
I would like to say that I didn't lie but I did tell my sister that I had to teach Sabbath school tomorrow so I didn't have to teach her cradle role class. Now, I wasn't sure if I had to teach or not but I was intentionally trying to get out of something by deceiving her. I have to apologize to her for that and somehow make up for it.
Changes:
I have noticed changes in my desire to know God. I no longer am being as passive with my reading but I am trying to pray to God. It is an intentional act. I am trying to communicate which I was not doing when I first started.
Tonight is the first time I have prayed to God a sincere prayer all week. I am asking God tonight to give me a new outlook and purify my heart so that I have no ill feelings and no evil thoughts. I am asking God for a new heart. I am asking God to help me get over sin. I am begging God for peace. I know this is a selfish prayer because I want God to do everything but it is a sincere prayer because I no longer want to miss sin.
Day 12: Motivated Much?
Day 12 was an absolute bust much like day 11. I am feeling depressed these last couple days and just absolutely lonely. I keep looking back instead of looking at now. I keep looking at what I don't have instead of what I do have. I have been a glass half empty kind of guy the last few days. I hate it when I get in this funk and can not bring myself out of it.
I am trying to use God as a compass and give my life to Him every day but the trials of life are hard. It is hard to go to work at all different hours and work at a place like McDonald's. It is hard to know that I am not going to move up in the corporate chain. I told them that I was going to leave in the summer trying to be honest with my intentions and ever since then they have thrown me to the wayside and promoted everyone else. I feel stuck now and it is all because I have integrity? I don't know about that. I don't know if I would rather have the promotions and the raises to help my future career and resume or have the integrity of knowing that I was honest with my employer. I feel like I would rather have integrity but where has it gotten me?
So for day 12, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
Changes:
I have noticed that I am much more tired than I ever used to be. I am finding it hard to keep my body fueled because I can't eat until after work so I have to wait all day. I need to give my body fuel or I am going to burn out. But once again, I am losing a lot of weight.
I wonder why I have felt so down the last couple days? I told myself that I would get back on track tomorrow because Friday is my day off and I have time to figure things out. I know that I have said that tomorrow never comes, so I need to find the motivation today. There is a saying that my father always used to use. I think everyone should take it to heart and live by it.
"If not me, then who? If not now, then when?"
I am trying to use God as a compass and give my life to Him every day but the trials of life are hard. It is hard to go to work at all different hours and work at a place like McDonald's. It is hard to know that I am not going to move up in the corporate chain. I told them that I was going to leave in the summer trying to be honest with my intentions and ever since then they have thrown me to the wayside and promoted everyone else. I feel stuck now and it is all because I have integrity? I don't know about that. I don't know if I would rather have the promotions and the raises to help my future career and resume or have the integrity of knowing that I was honest with my employer. I feel like I would rather have integrity but where has it gotten me?
So for day 12, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
Changes:
I have noticed that I am much more tired than I ever used to be. I am finding it hard to keep my body fueled because I can't eat until after work so I have to wait all day. I need to give my body fuel or I am going to burn out. But once again, I am losing a lot of weight.
I wonder why I have felt so down the last couple days? I told myself that I would get back on track tomorrow because Friday is my day off and I have time to figure things out. I know that I have said that tomorrow never comes, so I need to find the motivation today. There is a saying that my father always used to use. I think everyone should take it to heart and live by it.
"If not me, then who? If not now, then when?"
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day 11: The Elevator
Today was by far the worst day I have had since I started this challenge. I didn't eat well, I didn't read my Bible, I thought about all the bad stuff going on in my life, I didn't get any homework done. Basically I wasted my whole day. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel like I let myself down. I let God down. But as I sit here typing, I think about what tomorrow will bring. It is a new day and I don't have take what happened today as a let down. Maybe it was a chance for me to refocus. I lost sight of my goals today and fell as a result.
So for day 11, I accomplished the following.
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates
Changes:
Weight loss and soreness once again. Today I noticed a definite lack of motivation on my part. I am not sure if it was because it was a stressful day at work or if it is because I began to think about the future again. I need to just focus on now. Trying to get through life one day at a time and not worrying about what the future holds. I fell hard today but I want to get back up and continue strong. I am reminded of an analogy of Jesus being like an elevator taking you to the Father on the top floor. Once I am in Christ (the elevator) I am going up, but if I fall in the elevator am I still going up? Of course I am. The elevator doesn't change directions. It just goes up. I just don't want to push the stop button. I am in Christ and I am going to get back up. The elevator hasn't stopped.
So for day 11, I accomplished the following.
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates
Changes:
Weight loss and soreness once again. Today I noticed a definite lack of motivation on my part. I am not sure if it was because it was a stressful day at work or if it is because I began to think about the future again. I need to just focus on now. Trying to get through life one day at a time and not worrying about what the future holds. I fell hard today but I want to get back up and continue strong. I am reminded of an analogy of Jesus being like an elevator taking you to the Father on the top floor. Once I am in Christ (the elevator) I am going up, but if I fall in the elevator am I still going up? Of course I am. The elevator doesn't change directions. It just goes up. I just don't want to push the stop button. I am in Christ and I am going to get back up. The elevator hasn't stopped.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 10: You Were Born an Original
Day 10, what can be said? It was fairly uneventful. I must say, work is stressful and when I get home I don't really want to work out but I force myself sometimes and other times it is easy. I hate having to go in the morning and being short handed or having to hear it from the bosses all day about how bad the store is running. I sometimes wonder what people think of me there? I mean, I don't go around telling people about this commitment I have made. In fact, this blog is pretty much the only forum where I talk about a lot the issues on my mind.
I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
So for Day10, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.
I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.
I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
So for Day10, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying
Changes:
I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.
I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Day 9: I am Me
Day 9 was another day for the record books. I haven't felt this much energy, but this tired in years. I find myself focusing a lot on my exercising and less on everything else. I guess I am so busy exercising that I don't have time to think about the other things I am refraining from. I haven't even thought about alcohol except for once at work. We were all talking about our favorite beers. I began to get the craving. That was last week though.
I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.
So for day 9, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.
I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.
I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.
So for day 9, I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.
I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 8: Never Give Up
Day 8 was a great day. I had to work early today and open the store. I usually open the store and am too tired because I don't get the sleep I need, but recently I have been getting the sleep I need. I woke up with a song in my heart. While I was at work a friend of mine, texted me and asked me if I wanted to work out with him this afternoon. I was excited that I had someone to work out with.
The workout was great but not as great as what happened next. I was watching the NBA All Star Game and I got a call from an old friend that I haven't talked to in a while. It was so cool to hear from this guy because he and I used to party together quite a bit in college. In fact, the only reason we became friends in the first place is because he was old enough to buy us alcohol. I'll finish that story in a bit but first,
For day 8 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No lying
No dates
Changes:
My will power is growing stringer as well as my motivation. I am noticing an increase in my self control and the ability to push myself to do things I can't normally do. I am getting more out of my workouts, reading, and interactions with others. I am feeling great.
Back to my friend calling me. He and I talked for about a half an hour and during our conversation I found out that he had recently quit drinking and began reading his Bible. I was kind of blown back because if you would have known this kid and how we were back in the past, you would never had guessed that we would be taking the same steps toward God, at the same time, in two different places! I mean, we were pretty much talking about the same changes and I was excited to have a close friend of mine tell me he was experiencing the same thing. More power to him. While we talked he brought to my mind something I have been thinking about for a while. It is never giving up. We can never give up. Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never give up!" It is true. When we fall we cannot stay down. We must get back up. That is what Chris and I are doing in our lives right now. We are getting back up and proving that God is stronger than any earthly pit, problem, or peril. We can do all things through Him who gives us strength!
I also watched this video about a guy with no arms and no legs who was just outrageously inspirational. I love the line he says at the end of this video. "It matters how you are going to finish. Are you going to finish strong?"
The workout was great but not as great as what happened next. I was watching the NBA All Star Game and I got a call from an old friend that I haven't talked to in a while. It was so cool to hear from this guy because he and I used to party together quite a bit in college. In fact, the only reason we became friends in the first place is because he was old enough to buy us alcohol. I'll finish that story in a bit but first,
For day 8 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No lying
No dates
Changes:
My will power is growing stringer as well as my motivation. I am noticing an increase in my self control and the ability to push myself to do things I can't normally do. I am getting more out of my workouts, reading, and interactions with others. I am feeling great.
Back to my friend calling me. He and I talked for about a half an hour and during our conversation I found out that he had recently quit drinking and began reading his Bible. I was kind of blown back because if you would have known this kid and how we were back in the past, you would never had guessed that we would be taking the same steps toward God, at the same time, in two different places! I mean, we were pretty much talking about the same changes and I was excited to have a close friend of mine tell me he was experiencing the same thing. More power to him. While we talked he brought to my mind something I have been thinking about for a while. It is never giving up. We can never give up. Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never give up!" It is true. When we fall we cannot stay down. We must get back up. That is what Chris and I are doing in our lives right now. We are getting back up and proving that God is stronger than any earthly pit, problem, or peril. We can do all things through Him who gives us strength!
I also watched this video about a guy with no arms and no legs who was just outrageously inspirational. I love the line he says at the end of this video. "It matters how you are going to finish. Are you going to finish strong?"
Day 7: Sabbath
I am so thankful for the Sabbath. I didn't realize how much I needed a Sabbath until I started this. I was extremely tired and ready for a day of just rest. It was necessary and beneficial. I hung out with some friends (something I haven't done in a long time. We went to the mountains and went snowshoeing. It was my first time and I was not anticipating how hard it was going to be. It was a definite workout but I will say this, it was amazing to be outside in nature. We hiked for a little while until lightening started striking close to us. We kept going but got a little nervous. We finally stopped and let the snow fall on us. It covered all our tracks. It was so peaceful out there. We then headed for the road and headed back to the car.
I thank God for this day of rest. I needed it. So far I haven't noticied my relationship with God growing much. I haven't had the urge to have consistant prayer time with Him. I am not sure why. I think it may be because of the disconnect I see with Him in the Old Testament. I mean, He was much more involved but also much more furious and violent. I don't see a personal God who cares about me on a personal level.
So for day 7 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
Changes:
The biggest change I have noticed to date is that others have noticed a change in me. I am not so noticing it but people are inviting me places, they want to talk, hang out. It is just nice to know that people are seeing a change in me.
Sabbath, what a day.
I thank God for this day of rest. I needed it. So far I haven't noticied my relationship with God growing much. I haven't had the urge to have consistant prayer time with Him. I am not sure why. I think it may be because of the disconnect I see with Him in the Old Testament. I mean, He was much more involved but also much more furious and violent. I don't see a personal God who cares about me on a personal level.
So for day 7 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
Changes:
The biggest change I have noticed to date is that others have noticed a change in me. I am not so noticing it but people are inviting me places, they want to talk, hang out. It is just nice to know that people are seeing a change in me.
Sabbath, what a day.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Day 6: Slingshot my Soul
Day 6 was about as good as it could have been. I had to work the opening shift and had to slose the night before so I was pretty tired. This didn't help my sickness any. While at work, I asked my boss if I could do BSM which is another class for managers in the McDonald's food chain. She was willing to let me and we started talking about some things I could do to improve at work.
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.
So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.
I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.
I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.
"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.
So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Changes:
I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.
I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.
I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.
"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."
Friday, February 18, 2011
Day 5: I lost it all
Day 5 was the first day of me being over my sickness. I still have the head cold and am stuffed up but I felt like a million bucks. I worked out with Ab Ripper X! And you kind of have to grunt when you say it so it sounds better. I must confess, I hate the guy who instructs the videos. What a tool! I mean I can't stand the sound of his voice and every time I see the video I can't help but think that I am going to have to watch him annoy me again tomorrow!
The reading was interesting because it was very repetitive. It was all about the Tabernacle and instructions on how to build it. I am not sure if it is just the section I am reading or Moses's writing that I am having trouble with. I feel like he could just say, "refer back to Tabernacle dimensions in previous chapter" rather than explaining them all over again. The story seems to drag on for chapters and chapters but, this reading also described Moses seeing God. This is an amazing event in the Bible because it is the first time since the Garden of Eden that God has shown his actual person to anyone (save for Abraham when the strangers came and told him Sara was going to have a child but most believe that was an angel). It says that Moses's face shone and he had to wear a veil to cover his face! I mean how great a God do I serve that one look at his face would kill a man?
I am noticing that I am getting a lot of support from friends and family through this journey. I appreciate all the encouraging words and I don't expect people to read this blog everyday but I do enjoy the comments that are left. They give me energy and encouragement.
So for day 5 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Changes:
I am noticing some very good results. I have already lost weight. I am at 210 pounds. That is down from 234 a few months ago and down from 214 at the beginning of this challenge. My goal is to reach 180 by the summer. I feel like that is an attainable goal. I have also noticed that things don't seem to bother me nearly as much as they used to. I mean, when I wake up and pray that God takes my life into His hands, there really can't be much to complain about. He has me covered. I had to lose everything to gain that perspective.
My dear friend Tony Pacini shared this with me and I was very encouraged by it. It comes from an African Christian, it was his last testament before being martyred for his faith.
"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.... my banner will be clear!"
The reading was interesting because it was very repetitive. It was all about the Tabernacle and instructions on how to build it. I am not sure if it is just the section I am reading or Moses's writing that I am having trouble with. I feel like he could just say, "refer back to Tabernacle dimensions in previous chapter" rather than explaining them all over again. The story seems to drag on for chapters and chapters but, this reading also described Moses seeing God. This is an amazing event in the Bible because it is the first time since the Garden of Eden that God has shown his actual person to anyone (save for Abraham when the strangers came and told him Sara was going to have a child but most believe that was an angel). It says that Moses's face shone and he had to wear a veil to cover his face! I mean how great a God do I serve that one look at his face would kill a man?
I am noticing that I am getting a lot of support from friends and family through this journey. I appreciate all the encouraging words and I don't expect people to read this blog everyday but I do enjoy the comments that are left. They give me energy and encouragement.
So for day 5 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Changes:
I am noticing some very good results. I have already lost weight. I am at 210 pounds. That is down from 234 a few months ago and down from 214 at the beginning of this challenge. My goal is to reach 180 by the summer. I feel like that is an attainable goal. I have also noticed that things don't seem to bother me nearly as much as they used to. I mean, when I wake up and pray that God takes my life into His hands, there really can't be much to complain about. He has me covered. I had to lose everything to gain that perspective.
My dear friend Tony Pacini shared this with me and I was very encouraged by it. It comes from an African Christian, it was his last testament before being martyred for his faith.
"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.... my banner will be clear!"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Day 4: Learning to play the Background
Day 4 was a huge success. Not in that I did any exercise or felt good about my reading. In fact, I didn't work out. I was still sick and felt terrible all day. But it was a success in the fact that I felt that if I could push through this little hiccup of being sick, then I could push through anything.
I am still reading Exodus. I find it amazing that even though the Israelite's saw God in a pillar of cloud and fire, saw Him send manna every day, saw Him part the Red Sea, and saw Him bring water from a rock they still built a golden calf. It blows my mind that they had the evidence right in front of their faces but still had the nerve to turn their backs on Him. It goes as far as to say that God was going to kill them all and Moses had to talk Him down. That is amazing to me. A God that is all powerful and can wipe us out with a single word can still change his mind because of the advice of a human. That is evidence of a God that truly believes in a relationship. If they can see Him everyday and still not believe then how much more faith does it take to believe in a God that isn't always visible?
So for day 4 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
Selected Reading
No lying
Changes:
I have been noticing some changes. I am extremely sore still but I am noticing a much larger drive in motivation. I have been sick and felt terrible all day but I still wanted to work out and read. I didn't work out because I was told that I needed to take it easy or else I would prolong the sickness.
I am hoping for much bigger changes as I go along. I still think about my situation and how bad it is but then I tell myself that I am here for a reason. I am here for this exact reason actually. To recover and find God. There really isn't a better reason. I think that is why I haven't been getting any call backs from the jobs I have been applying to. I think God wants me here for some reason. But as long as I am trusting in Him then I don't have to worry about what that reason is. I am learning to play the background.
I am still reading Exodus. I find it amazing that even though the Israelite's saw God in a pillar of cloud and fire, saw Him send manna every day, saw Him part the Red Sea, and saw Him bring water from a rock they still built a golden calf. It blows my mind that they had the evidence right in front of their faces but still had the nerve to turn their backs on Him. It goes as far as to say that God was going to kill them all and Moses had to talk Him down. That is amazing to me. A God that is all powerful and can wipe us out with a single word can still change his mind because of the advice of a human. That is evidence of a God that truly believes in a relationship. If they can see Him everyday and still not believe then how much more faith does it take to believe in a God that isn't always visible?
So for day 4 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
Selected Reading
No lying
Changes:
I have been noticing some changes. I am extremely sore still but I am noticing a much larger drive in motivation. I have been sick and felt terrible all day but I still wanted to work out and read. I didn't work out because I was told that I needed to take it easy or else I would prolong the sickness.
I am hoping for much bigger changes as I go along. I still think about my situation and how bad it is but then I tell myself that I am here for a reason. I am here for this exact reason actually. To recover and find God. There really isn't a better reason. I think that is why I haven't been getting any call backs from the jobs I have been applying to. I think God wants me here for some reason. But as long as I am trusting in Him then I don't have to worry about what that reason is. I am learning to play the background.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Day 3: Glute Pain
Day 3 has come and gone. It was a painful day to say the least. I did an exercise called plyometrics. Basically, it is jump training. I spent 45 minutes in a squat position. It was killer.
Soon after my work out I had to go to work. There I began to feel sick. I am not sure why. I feel like the healthier I am being, the better my health should be, but it is possible that my body is adjusting to a new lifestyle and during this process my immune system took a dive. Not exactly sure but I came home early from work and have been sick ever since. Pounding headache, sore throat, aches, fever, and the soreness of my workout.
I am still working my way through Exodus. I am amazed at the ammount of time God rambles on to Moses explaining what the new rules and regulations are going to be for Isreal. Moses must have gotten drowsey during that speach because I sure did. And all the explanations really got me thinking about why the Old Testament God would want them to follow such a strict set of guidelines? I mean, he was very specific about the law and the punishment for not following it. I think that it worked for Isreal but how about now?
So for day 3 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No dates
No lying
Changes:
I did not sleep well last night but I think that is because I was getting sick. I felt good through the day. My body is very sore and I am starting to notice how hungry I am. I refrain from eating outside of my diet.
All in all, I am feeling very hopeful about my transformation. I have not noticed much yet but I know I will sooner or later. I am hoping that I find motivation for a relationship with God through reading His word. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and alone like there isn't a God. I hope that through this experience I find that spark and can find peace. A peace that is above the storm.
Soon after my work out I had to go to work. There I began to feel sick. I am not sure why. I feel like the healthier I am being, the better my health should be, but it is possible that my body is adjusting to a new lifestyle and during this process my immune system took a dive. Not exactly sure but I came home early from work and have been sick ever since. Pounding headache, sore throat, aches, fever, and the soreness of my workout.
I am still working my way through Exodus. I am amazed at the ammount of time God rambles on to Moses explaining what the new rules and regulations are going to be for Isreal. Moses must have gotten drowsey during that speach because I sure did. And all the explanations really got me thinking about why the Old Testament God would want them to follow such a strict set of guidelines? I mean, he was very specific about the law and the punishment for not following it. I think that it worked for Isreal but how about now?
So for day 3 I accomplished the following:
No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No dates
No lying
Changes:
I did not sleep well last night but I think that is because I was getting sick. I felt good through the day. My body is very sore and I am starting to notice how hungry I am. I refrain from eating outside of my diet.
All in all, I am feeling very hopeful about my transformation. I have not noticed much yet but I know I will sooner or later. I am hoping that I find motivation for a relationship with God through reading His word. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and alone like there isn't a God. I hope that through this experience I find that spark and can find peace. A peace that is above the storm.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Day 2: One Day at a Time
Day 2 of my journey to find God is not going well. Granted it is Valentines day and I am reminded of how alone I am in this world. But isn't what this is all about? I need to learn to be content with myself. All I need to be fulfilled is God. Now, I do think that God made marriage for a reason. Man was not meant to walk this earth alone. But contentment means that you are fulfilled with God. It means that I can't love someone else if I don't love myself. That is one of the many reasons that this journey is so exciting.
The reading of Exodus really gave me an interesting look at the fury of the Old Testament God. He seems to interrupt free will quite a bit. He hardened Pharaohs heart several times. I am not convince that Pharaoh wouldn't have let the Israelites go earlier if God hadn't intervened. He wanted all the plagues to play out in Egypt to prove his might and power. To prove to everyone that He was truly God. In this, he made Pharaoh an instrument, he used him and as a result, we will never know the outcome. Since he used Pharaoh as a tool could it be that Pharaoh was following Gods will and living Gods plan for his life?
So for day 2 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates
Changes:
Once again, I have slept through the night with no problems. I am even tired when I wake up. I am still thinking about my past a lot. It drags me down. I feel like its hard when I fall down to get back up. The reality of life seems to hit me and I realize that I have to take it one day at a time.
My sister commented yesterday on my post. She told me to find an AA class and to add no lying to the list. Well, at first I was mad that she wasn't very supportive of my journey, but now I look back and see all the things I have done to my family and put them through. We have been down this path before. I always seem to revert back to my previous behavior. Lying, drinking, living for myself. She is absolutely right. I am going to take part of her advice, since I am putting myself through my own alcohol rehabilitation, then I will take the second part to heart. NO MORE LYING. The truth of the matter is I have to be honest with myself and God, but if my family/friends ask me something I will be honest with them. I am not going to live a double life anymore. This is just a part of the commitment I am making through this journey.
As I am writing this, I am tearing up. I know it is because I am making promises that I can only keep with Gods help. Pray for me friends.
The reading of Exodus really gave me an interesting look at the fury of the Old Testament God. He seems to interrupt free will quite a bit. He hardened Pharaohs heart several times. I am not convince that Pharaoh wouldn't have let the Israelites go earlier if God hadn't intervened. He wanted all the plagues to play out in Egypt to prove his might and power. To prove to everyone that He was truly God. In this, he made Pharaoh an instrument, he used him and as a result, we will never know the outcome. Since he used Pharaoh as a tool could it be that Pharaoh was following Gods will and living Gods plan for his life?
So for day 2 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates
Changes:
Once again, I have slept through the night with no problems. I am even tired when I wake up. I am still thinking about my past a lot. It drags me down. I feel like its hard when I fall down to get back up. The reality of life seems to hit me and I realize that I have to take it one day at a time.
My sister commented yesterday on my post. She told me to find an AA class and to add no lying to the list. Well, at first I was mad that she wasn't very supportive of my journey, but now I look back and see all the things I have done to my family and put them through. We have been down this path before. I always seem to revert back to my previous behavior. Lying, drinking, living for myself. She is absolutely right. I am going to take part of her advice, since I am putting myself through my own alcohol rehabilitation, then I will take the second part to heart. NO MORE LYING. The truth of the matter is I have to be honest with myself and God, but if my family/friends ask me something I will be honest with them. I am not going to live a double life anymore. This is just a part of the commitment I am making through this journey.
As I am writing this, I am tearing up. I know it is because I am making promises that I can only keep with Gods help. Pray for me friends.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Day 1: The Conclusion
Day 1 has come and gone. I had a good workout though it was tiring. I could only get about 3/4 of the way through P90X before my muscles were spent. It was the Chest and Back exercise. I have to listen to music while I watch the video because the guys voice annoys me too much. I also ran after the video was over. I only ran a mile but I had extra energy that needed to be spent. I also followed the diet yesterday. It seemed to keep me full enough and away from foods with negative effects on the body.
So for Day 1 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
Read the alloted Bible passages
Followed P90X diet and Exercise
No dates as of yet
Changes:
I am not sure I notice any changes as of yet. Although, I did get straight to sleep last night and slept all the way through the night. This is a good sign. I still have trouble with feelings. Every once in a while I will think about Chasity (the girl who tore my heart out) and get that excited/sick feeling. I am trying to give it to God but it is hard.
I read about Joseph last night. Man, that dude went through a ton. He was completely rejected by his brothers and sold into a terrible situation. God blessed him so much that he was the second in command in Egypt. "If you are faithful with little, He will make you faithful with much".
So for Day 1 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
Read the alloted Bible passages
Followed P90X diet and Exercise
No dates as of yet
Changes:
I am not sure I notice any changes as of yet. Although, I did get straight to sleep last night and slept all the way through the night. This is a good sign. I still have trouble with feelings. Every once in a while I will think about Chasity (the girl who tore my heart out) and get that excited/sick feeling. I am trying to give it to God but it is hard.
I read about Joseph last night. Man, that dude went through a ton. He was completely rejected by his brothers and sold into a terrible situation. God blessed him so much that he was the second in command in Egypt. "If you are faithful with little, He will make you faithful with much".
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Day 1: The Beginning
There are times when life hits you with a hammer and crushes you into a million pieces and you must start from scratch to place the pieces of the puzzle back together. I have recently been crushed and now I must rebuild. But this time I want to build my life on something solid. Something concrete. So before I begin let me give you a little background.
I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.
My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.
This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.
I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.
I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.
I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.
This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.
I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.
Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.
My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."
Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.
So here is the challenge:
I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.
So for 90 days:
I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date
I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.
I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.
I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.
I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.
I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.
My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.
This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.
I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.
I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.
I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.
This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.
I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.
Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.
My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."
Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.
So here is the challenge:
I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.
So for 90 days:
I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date
I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.
I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.
I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.
I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.
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