Day 1: The Beginning

There are times when life hits you with a hammer and crushes you into a million pieces and you must start from scratch to place the pieces of the puzzle back together. I have recently been crushed and now I must rebuild. But this time I want to build my life on something solid. Something concrete. So before I begin let me give you a little background.

I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.

My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.

This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.

I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.

I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.

This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.

I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.

Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.

My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."

Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.

So here is the challenge:

I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.

So for 90 days:

I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date

I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.

I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.

I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.

I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.