Day 2 of my journey to find God is not going well. Granted it is Valentines day and I am reminded of how alone I am in this world. But isn't what this is all about? I need to learn to be content with myself. All I need to be fulfilled is God. Now, I do think that God made marriage for a reason. Man was not meant to walk this earth alone. But contentment means that you are fulfilled with God. It means that I can't love someone else if I don't love myself. That is one of the many reasons that this journey is so exciting.
The reading of Exodus really gave me an interesting look at the fury of the Old Testament God. He seems to interrupt free will quite a bit. He hardened Pharaohs heart several times. I am not convince that Pharaoh wouldn't have let the Israelites go earlier if God hadn't intervened. He wanted all the plagues to play out in Egypt to prove his might and power. To prove to everyone that He was truly God. In this, he made Pharaoh an instrument, he used him and as a result, we will never know the outcome. Since he used Pharaoh as a tool could it be that Pharaoh was following Gods will and living Gods plan for his life?
So for day 2 I accomplished the following:
No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates
Changes:
Once again, I have slept through the night with no problems. I am even tired when I wake up. I am still thinking about my past a lot. It drags me down. I feel like its hard when I fall down to get back up. The reality of life seems to hit me and I realize that I have to take it one day at a time.
My sister commented yesterday on my post. She told me to find an AA class and to add no lying to the list. Well, at first I was mad that she wasn't very supportive of my journey, but now I look back and see all the things I have done to my family and put them through. We have been down this path before. I always seem to revert back to my previous behavior. Lying, drinking, living for myself. She is absolutely right. I am going to take part of her advice, since I am putting myself through my own alcohol rehabilitation, then I will take the second part to heart. NO MORE LYING. The truth of the matter is I have to be honest with myself and God, but if my family/friends ask me something I will be honest with them. I am not going to live a double life anymore. This is just a part of the commitment I am making through this journey.
As I am writing this, I am tearing up. I know it is because I am making promises that I can only keep with Gods help. Pray for me friends.
When reading through the book of Exodus, I too saw how God had hardened Pharaoh's heart and I thought the very same thing. So God didn't allow Pharaoh to choose? But as I saw what was happening in the story, it was actually completely opposite. And found the answer in Exodus 5. When Moses first came to the king, the very first words Pharaoh says is "Who is the Lord that I should obey His voice to let Israel go? I do not know the Lord, nor will I let Israel go!"
ReplyDeleteHis mind was already made up. He was in charge of his own life and he didn't want anyone else trying to tell him how to live it, including God.
Thus, anytime God did miraculous signs and wonders, his heart was hardened even more to the idea of God.
You however, are different. Though you may have lived like a pharaoh in the past, your heart is softening. That is the work of the Holy Spirit! You are no longer that same person, you are a new creature!
2 Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old is gone and the new is here!"
You're new...
I didn't put that comment on there to make you mad. I knew you probably would be though. I do think you need to hear the hard stuff from someone. I'm glad you are going to take it to heart. I'm angry with you but I do love you and I do want you to have a good journey. I do think, although you are blogging, that this journey can't be done alone. You need more than the blogging world and a self-imposed promise to God. Remember how when you were a dean, you were the best at finding the kids who were struggling with substance abuse? Because you were struggling with the same thing. You knew when they were doing it and when they weren't. You need someone like that for you. You need a sponsor. Someone who has been through it and come out the other side. I'm just sayin'!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeleteYou make God smile. In your brokenness and your pursuit of Him. I love you man. And Christ is at work within you to work and will for His good pleasure.
Jim
Wow. Courage, my friend!! I will be praying for you!
ReplyDelete"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9