Day 59: Gods Plan?

Confusion and distraction. This is what women bring to the table and the reason I decided to keep them out of this journey. I am glad I did but the timing is frustrating. I meet girls that I find attractive and want to get to know but I have to keep them at arms length because of my commitment. I know I said I was dropping that part of finding freedom but who am I kidding. I started this with a goal in mind and I have to stick to it.

It seems so hard for me to focus at times but I am getting my commitments done every day. I am still having to play catch up with my reading and it isnt' easy. Especially with this new shift I am doing. It is from 10-6 so it splits my day in half.

I sometimes wonder if God really has a plan for me or not. I find myself wanting to take the wheel so often and I don't know if it is worth it or not. Well obviously it isn't but the feelings I have tell me I can do it on my own. I hate feeling that way. I want to feel dependent like nothing I do is right without Gods help. That way I will never lose focus, never get off track, never question or second guess. I think Gods plan is to have me trust Him. If I am doing that, then I am following his plan.

So for day 59, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I spent almost four hours at the gym. This seems a bit extreme but I am working hard to try and break through this plateau that I am at. I weighed myself and I am 190lbs. I am about to break into the 180's and I am so excited. I am only 10lbs from my goal. I have the rest of this month to do it. There is a song by Liknin Park where they talk about breaking the habit. "I am breaking the habit tonight." This line is true of me and this journey, it has been about me breaking the habits. I have finally broken my bad habits and have 30 days to replace them with new ones. Gods plan?

Day 53: From Walls to Speed Bumps

I recently read a passage in Psalms 16. David is talking about how he has found strength in the Lord and I find this passage pretty amazing. It gives me some perspective on the gravity of finding freedom in 90 days. The importance of being grounded in something solid. The Psalm says, "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I WILL NOT be shaken." That is so powerful because it so real. So true. When God is on our side then the battle has already been won. No matter what event comes up in life, no matter what trial is before me, I will not be shaken.

So for day 53, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying


Changes:

The fact that I can look at my life with a different perspective then before seems to give me some light. Being able to look at obstacles or trials as only speed bumps instead of brick walls. Hopefully, I will be able to view them as sidewalks at some point in my life but for now, I know that I may be slowed by my sins, slowed by my decisions, and slowed by my mistakes but I am not going to stop. I am turning walls into speed bumps.

Day 42: .....God

I was watching this DVD this morning called How Great Is Our God. It is by Louie Giglio. He is a Christian speaker and very inspiring. It was amazing to listen to this talk though. I have heard it several times but missed most of it for some reason. I was watching it this morning and it finally clicked with me. I don't know what God is doing in my life or why I feel so alone but this talk seemed to spark something in me.

I have been slapped in the face again and snapped out of my daze and dream. God is so much bigger than me and I am so insignificant. I don't matter at all and sin has made me think I am important. Sin has blown up my head and given me an ego. After watching that talk, I don't know how anyone could turn their back on God. I don't understand how God take s a back seat in any one's life! I mean He just spoke and created everything including me. I would not be here if God had not made me and formed me. I owe everything to God. I will never turn my back on Him knowing that I am nothing without Him.

But the cool thing is, I am everything with Him. I am important with God and I do matter with God. So do you. With God, you matter. You are important. You are special. You do have tiger blood (ha). And God did find us special or else Christ would not have died for us. Today I am humbled and blown away at the greatness of my God. The God I choose to serve because the only life outside of Christ leads to death and the only life inside Christ leads to eternity.

So for day 42, I am going to accomplish the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No dating

Changes:

I have been thinking about this girl a lot and I am not sure why. I don't believe that I will ever get back together with her but I think that God keeps putting her in my mind because I have an opportunity here. I have never been a positive influence in my life or felt like one at least. I feel like this is a chance to be that influence. I wish I knew the feelings I was having but this is the best I can explain it.

I want my friends, family, and people I care about to............. God.

Day 38: Can Love Arise out of Freedom?

I thought I would share something simple tonight. I am fairly tired after my p90x and run today. I am also not getting enough sleep for work. This is something I posted on my other blog a while age. It deals with freedom, feelings, love, and choices. The exact things I am going through right now.

The fact that humans make decisions based on feelings proves that God exists. Any other member of the animal kingdom makes decisions based on logic and survival but humans are programmed a little different. Logic and reason guide our lives to a point but there are times in our lives that we makes decisions based on feelings. We decide to take a chance on these feelings knowing that the logical decision will take you the other way. This is what makes being a human so difficult, and so much fun. Unlike the animals, we make these decisions and grow from the mistakes or are blessed by the chance we took. Somehow, the God of all the universe, the One we created Everything, knew that we would make mistakes before He created us but did it anyways. He wanted to prove to all creation that out of absolute freedom, some of us would take a chance, a leap of faith if you will, on love. He wanted to prove that love could arise out of freedom. He wanted to show everything He made that though we are sinners, we are also a race that can choose something that seems so illogical because we are following a hope. We are a race that can experience pain and it only makes us stronger. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Whoever said that was inspired. They understood that we are the only world that experiences pain. But with the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour. That pain only shows us how great life can really be. If you don't know pain then you can't really understand joy. Absolute joy is the inverse of pain. I am glad I have a God who took a chance at love in creating us. Absolute freedom. I choose to love because of that freedom. Life may hurt at times but I am grateful for that pain. Because of it I can truly know the depths of Gods love.

So for day 38, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am hoping to keep up the weight loss and be down to 180lbs by the end of this experience. I am finding it easier to motivate myself if I have someone there with me. We work out together and it is encouraging. Just having friends there looking out for is for sure a Godsend.

Day 10: You Were Born an Original

Day 10, what can be said? It was fairly uneventful. I must say, work is stressful and when I get home I don't really want to work out but I force myself sometimes and other times it is easy. I hate having to go in the morning and being short handed or having to hear it from the bosses all day about how bad the store is running. I sometimes wonder what people think of me there? I mean, I don't go around telling people about this commitment I have made. In fact, this blog is pretty much the only forum where I talk about a lot the issues on my mind.

I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

So for Day10, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying


Changes:

I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.


I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.

Day 6: Slingshot my Soul

Day 6 was about as good as it could have been. I had to work the opening shift and had to slose the night before so I was pretty tired. This didn't help my sickness any. While at work, I asked my boss if I could do BSM which is another class for managers in the McDonald's food chain. She was willing to let me and we started talking about some things I could do to improve at work.
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.

So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.

I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.

I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.


"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."

Day 5: I lost it all

Day 5 was the first day of me being over my sickness. I still have the head cold and am stuffed up but I felt like a million bucks. I worked out with Ab Ripper X! And you kind of have to grunt when you say it so it sounds better. I must confess, I hate the guy who instructs the videos. What a tool! I mean I can't stand the sound of his voice and every time I see the video I can't help but think that I am going to have to watch him annoy me again tomorrow!

The reading was interesting because it was very repetitive. It was all about the Tabernacle and instructions on how to build it. I am not sure if it is just the section I am reading or Moses's writing that I am having trouble with. I feel like he could just say, "refer back to Tabernacle dimensions in previous chapter" rather than explaining them all over again. The story seems to drag on for chapters and chapters but, this reading also described Moses seeing God. This is an amazing event in the Bible because it is the first time since the Garden of Eden that God has shown his actual person to anyone (save for Abraham when the strangers came and told him Sara was going to have a child but most believe that was an angel). It says that Moses's face shone and he had to wear a veil to cover his face! I mean how great a God do I serve that one look at his face would kill a man?

I am noticing that I am getting a lot of support from friends and family through this journey. I appreciate all the encouraging words and I don't expect people to read this blog everyday but I do enjoy the comments that are left. They give me energy and encouragement.

So for day 5 I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am noticing some very good results. I have already lost weight. I am at 210 pounds. That is down from 234 a few months ago and down from 214 at the beginning of this challenge. My goal is to reach 180 by the summer. I feel like that is an attainable goal. I have also noticed that things don't seem to bother me nearly as much as they used to. I mean, when I wake up and pray that God takes my life into His hands, there really can't be much to complain about. He has me covered. I had to lose everything to gain that perspective.

My dear friend Tony Pacini shared this with me and I was very encouraged by it. It comes from an African Christian, it was his last testament before being martyred for his faith. 

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.... my banner will be clear!"

Day 1: The Beginning

There are times when life hits you with a hammer and crushes you into a million pieces and you must start from scratch to place the pieces of the puzzle back together. I have recently been crushed and now I must rebuild. But this time I want to build my life on something solid. Something concrete. So before I begin let me give you a little background.

I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.

My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.

This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.

I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.

I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.

This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.

I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.

Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.

My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."

Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.

So here is the challenge:

I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.

So for 90 days:

I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date

I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.

I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.

I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.

I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.