Day 60: Letting Go

This is one of the hardest things for me ever. I have been hanging out with the girl that started this whole things and we finally had the talk about how I had to get back to God and finish my journey. I made a commitment to myself and to God and I have let Him down and myself down as well. I lost trust in my God and let myself get distracted. But this journey isn't over. God isn't done with me.

This journey is like an elevator and once I made the decision to embark on building a better life I got on and pushed the up button. Now I may have fallen down in the elevator but it is still going up. I am not quitting and I am not giving up but I need your help God. I am writing this and I can't hold back the tears. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have lost control. I need you God. I need you to pick me back up because I can't do this alone.

So for day 60, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying

Changes:

I took a girl on a date and had a wonderful time. I felt awful though. I felt like I was cheating on myself or this other girl or God. All these things I thought about before the date but I did it anyways. I want this to be in the change column because it is helping me to understand what my weaknesses are. Where God can can take the lead. This is why I had that conversation with the girl. I had to tell her if I was ever going to be successful in life with myself or  ever respect myself then I was going to have to let go. And this is scary. I am worried that because of this I will never get her back. But I have to trust my God. I have to trust Him fully and that is the hardest part of letting go.

Day 59: Gods Plan?

Confusion and distraction. This is what women bring to the table and the reason I decided to keep them out of this journey. I am glad I did but the timing is frustrating. I meet girls that I find attractive and want to get to know but I have to keep them at arms length because of my commitment. I know I said I was dropping that part of finding freedom but who am I kidding. I started this with a goal in mind and I have to stick to it.

It seems so hard for me to focus at times but I am getting my commitments done every day. I am still having to play catch up with my reading and it isnt' easy. Especially with this new shift I am doing. It is from 10-6 so it splits my day in half.

I sometimes wonder if God really has a plan for me or not. I find myself wanting to take the wheel so often and I don't know if it is worth it or not. Well obviously it isn't but the feelings I have tell me I can do it on my own. I hate feeling that way. I want to feel dependent like nothing I do is right without Gods help. That way I will never lose focus, never get off track, never question or second guess. I think Gods plan is to have me trust Him. If I am doing that, then I am following his plan.

So for day 59, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I spent almost four hours at the gym. This seems a bit extreme but I am working hard to try and break through this plateau that I am at. I weighed myself and I am 190lbs. I am about to break into the 180's and I am so excited. I am only 10lbs from my goal. I have the rest of this month to do it. There is a song by Liknin Park where they talk about breaking the habit. "I am breaking the habit tonight." This line is true of me and this journey, it has been about me breaking the habits. I have finally broken my bad habits and have 30 days to replace them with new ones. Gods plan?

Day 40: Minerals

I don't know how Jesus felt when he was being tempted after 40 days in the desert but I know this, temptation has been knocking at my door and I am having to dig deep to overcome. I got invited to a party on Saturday, I have been getting along with my boss, and I have been tempted to abandon this whole project because I feel pretty good. When things are going well we have a tendency to turn aside from God and think we can do it on our own but really it is the exact opposite.

I will liken this to an economic theory. When the economy takes a down turn, people generally begin to hoard their money and save it which is the exact opposite of economic stimulation. The economy is stimulated by purchasing. When the economy is good people spend more than they should and don't save. People should save when times are good and spend when times are bad.

Just like this analogy, I need to building up my "God" reserves so that when hard times come, I have enough to survive. I am only human. I have struggled this week because of this. I have not read in like three days, I got sick, everything seemed to be working out at work, and I have just struggled to keep on track. I know these don't seem like issues at all and some of the list is positive, but that is where the struggle is. I seem to be losing the connection while things are good.

So for day 40, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Like I said, I am losing the connection. I want so bad to get back on track like I had to do during the first month. I need your prayers and I need to have the strength to stand and make things better. I have to rely on God. Sometimes I feel so emasculated that a woman could have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am so determined to finish this thing but do I have the minerals?

Day 39: Are You Who You Want to Be?

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns. Roads followed and abandoned. People always ask me what I am going to do with my life and I often don't know what to tell them. I have loose plans on what I want and where I want to be but, I can't get too attached to these ideas because they may not become reality. I guess it is a way of buffering myself from disappointment. I erect this wall of security all too often.

I have heard that the only way to get what you really want in life is to break through that wall of security and free yourself from your own withholding. I have yet to experience this on any real level. I am sure I have gone after things that have been relatively easy or simple (not talking about women here) but even then I am not really free from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess what I am driving at is that I have reached a pivotal point in my life. I am on the crux of something big. I have to start making decisions that are going to better my life and not hinder it. I have to break that wall for good. And I want that with all my heart.
So for day 39, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I want you all to have the same desires. I want you to go out and break your wall of security. There is a song by Switchfoot in which they say, "this is your life, are you who you want to be?" It is such a great line and it is something I have to ask myself every day now, this is my life, am I who I want to be?

Day 38: Can Love Arise out of Freedom?

I thought I would share something simple tonight. I am fairly tired after my p90x and run today. I am also not getting enough sleep for work. This is something I posted on my other blog a while age. It deals with freedom, feelings, love, and choices. The exact things I am going through right now.

The fact that humans make decisions based on feelings proves that God exists. Any other member of the animal kingdom makes decisions based on logic and survival but humans are programmed a little different. Logic and reason guide our lives to a point but there are times in our lives that we makes decisions based on feelings. We decide to take a chance on these feelings knowing that the logical decision will take you the other way. This is what makes being a human so difficult, and so much fun. Unlike the animals, we make these decisions and grow from the mistakes or are blessed by the chance we took. Somehow, the God of all the universe, the One we created Everything, knew that we would make mistakes before He created us but did it anyways. He wanted to prove to all creation that out of absolute freedom, some of us would take a chance, a leap of faith if you will, on love. He wanted to prove that love could arise out of freedom. He wanted to show everything He made that though we are sinners, we are also a race that can choose something that seems so illogical because we are following a hope. We are a race that can experience pain and it only makes us stronger. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Whoever said that was inspired. They understood that we are the only world that experiences pain. But with the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour. That pain only shows us how great life can really be. If you don't know pain then you can't really understand joy. Absolute joy is the inverse of pain. I am glad I have a God who took a chance at love in creating us. Absolute freedom. I choose to love because of that freedom. Life may hurt at times but I am grateful for that pain. Because of it I can truly know the depths of Gods love.

So for day 38, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am hoping to keep up the weight loss and be down to 180lbs by the end of this experience. I am finding it easier to motivate myself if I have someone there with me. We work out together and it is encouraging. Just having friends there looking out for is for sure a Godsend.

Day 23: Feeling Freedom

Once again, I was running today and had my eyes opened by God. I updated my Bible app on my phone and can listen the Bible while I am running now. I am reading about David. He is an amazing man in scripture. God blesses him at every turn even when he is sinning. David is called a man after God's own heart. He dealt with a lot. (David is my second favorite Bible character behind Joseph so far). David overtook the city of Jerusalem even though it was thought impossible. They told him that they could defend the city with the blind and lame but David took it anyways.

The city of Jerusalem was and is still a point of controversy throughout history to now. People have fought over the City of David for centuries a and hundreds of thousands of people have lost their lives to be a part of the "salvation" of Jerusalem, but this all started with David. He settled there and built his kingdom from there. He met with God there. He lived one of the most amazing lives in history there.

One of the most interesting things I have read in Samuel is about Davids heart being so compassionate to his enemy. The Bible says that several times, Saul (the king who tried to kill David on numerous occasions) was given into Davids hands and David had to make a choice each time. Once, Saul was in a cave and David had to decide what to do because he had the drop on Saul and Saul didn't even know it. He just cut his robe and let him live. Now this is where the amazing part comes in. Not only did David leave him alive but the Bible says he felt bad for cutting the robe of the Lords anointed. In another part, the Bible describes how an Amalakite had admitted to David that he helped Saul kill himself and thought this would please David because Saul had been hunting David for years. David had the man killed because he had admitted to killing the Lords anointed king and David morned for Saul.

I don't understand how to get to the point in life that I can cry for my enemies and long for them to be in the kingdom. I don't understand how someone can get to the point where they can utter the words, "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" I want to be unfazed by the actions of those that wrong me.

So for day 23, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I titled this feeling freedom. Last night I heard something about this girl that did me wrong. I heard about her and her struggles with other guys (this boyfriend of hers who treats her poorly, another guy she used to date), and I didn't feel anger that she was pursuing other relationships. I felt bad for her. I knew at that point that she was confused and searching for love in all the wrong places. She is doing the same thing I had done for so many years. Searching for something in this miserable little world that is going to bring happiness. I felt a little like David mourning for Saul. It was a new feeling. Instead of taking this news personally, all I wanted to do was show her kindness and support. All I wanted to do was help her.

I think for one of the first times during this experience I felt what I am searching for. I felt unfazed by the actions of this girl. I felt freedom.