Day 29: Phase 2

Today is the start of phase 2 in P90X. It is quite the workout. I was extremely fatigued but pushed through it. It was an amazing workout and I feel great because of it. I am really on a push to get under 200 pounds by the end of this month. I thought I could do it last week but I hit a wall as far as weight loss goes. I am trying break through that wall and get back to healthy weight loss. 

I started reading Chronicles today and I have to be honest with you, I don't know why that is in the Bible. It has to be in there for a reason but it is so far just genealogy. It must be there for historical purposes. I don't exactly know.

I was sitting in my car today thinking about what I was going to say in this blog. I thought about the secrets we all have. Some of them are too embarrassing to talk about so we bury them, others might incriminate us, and some things just aren't anybodies business. It all comes down to honesty. Some things other people truly don't need to know, but I think God needs to know. Even thought He can see our hearts the confessions of those dark places in our souls are what He wants to hear. Being honest with yourself and being honest with God is so important.

So for day 29, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I am looking at ways to improve my diet. I have been following P90x diet and exercise but I am not losing weight like I was. I don't know if I need to increase my caloric intake because my body thinks I am starving or what. I was given a book on the glycemic index and I am going to read about what is necessary for me to sustain healthy weight loss. I hope I get some good tips. I weighed myself today and I was 203 lbs. I think 200 lbs is attainable by the end of this week.

Day 24: Mighty Men

Today was pretty cool. I had a great workout. I always working out my arms because I feel like I am doing a lot of work and I like being sore from a workout. Sculpting my guns. While I was at the gym, I saw this girl that had been to my church before. I recognized her and thought about saying hi but here is the catch, she is gorgeous and I am not dating. I didn't want to even be tempted by the notion so I just kept to myself and continued working out.

I read about David and his mighty men today. The Bible talks about these men as being men of renown. One of them, the leader named Josheb-Basshebeth, killed eight hundred men in one encounter! Another one named Eleazar went to battle with the Philistines and all Israel retreated but he stood his ground and killed Philistines until he got tired and froze to his sword! Shammah, another of the three, stood in a field while Israel again retreated and defeated the Philistine army by himself.

I read these stories and am amazed because there is not a man of renown on this earth today that will ever measure up to these amazing acts. God truly blessed Israel and David and those in his company.

So for day 24, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I long to be remembered when I die. I read about these mighty men and I see strength, courage, devotion, loyalty, dedication, commitment, and perseverance and I want to bad to have those qualities. I am going through this fire to come out the other end a mighty man.

Day 9: I am Me

Day 9 was another day for the record books. I haven't felt this much energy, but this tired in years. I find myself focusing a lot on my exercising and less on everything else. I guess I am so busy exercising that I don't have time to think about the other things I am refraining from. I haven't even thought about alcohol except for once at work. We were all talking about our favorite beers. I began to get the craving. That was last week though.

I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.

So for day 9, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.

I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.

Day 6: Slingshot my Soul

Day 6 was about as good as it could have been. I had to work the opening shift and had to slose the night before so I was pretty tired. This didn't help my sickness any. While at work, I asked my boss if I could do BSM which is another class for managers in the McDonald's food chain. She was willing to let me and we started talking about some things I could do to improve at work.
In my journey, I have encountered many who are encouraged by my voyage and I am grateful to God for that. The kind words, stories of change, and inspirational testimonies are all so powerful to me. I love hearing from you all. I thank God so much for allowing me to be born in a Christian family that sent me to Christian schools. I now have friends across the entire country and am able to know that even though we are apart, God finds a way to keep us close.

So for Day 6 I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

I am starting to feel the changes on my body. I weighed my self and I am the lightest I have been in a few years. I am also feeling full after much less food intake and I have been drinking water like crazy. I have been so thirsty for some reason.

I am also noticing changes in the way people react to me and talk to me that know that I am doing this journey. They are all very curious and interested and seem to be more open with me and comfortable with me. I think it is because when you make yourself vulnerable, people see that your guard is down and try to get the know the soul.

I am amazed by this. I love that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their testimonies as well. A good friend from college, Kara Mulder, wrote me the other day and said something very profound. I am stealing it but it was very encouraging.


"Picture a sling-shot. For the sling-shot to project a rock into the sky, it has to pulled back. In our lives, sometimes it seems like we are making no forward progress and we wonder what God is doing. It's like we take a baby step forward and then a huge jump back. It's like we are a slingshot and sometimes God takes us backwards to grow us and stretch us. The backward movement is not in vain. It's so that we can reach farther and be stronger than we would have had that backward stretching not happened."

Day 4: Learning to play the Background

Day 4 was a huge success. Not in that I did any exercise or felt good about my reading. In fact, I didn't work out. I was still sick and felt terrible all day. But it was a success in the fact that I felt that if I could push through this little hiccup of being sick, then I could push through anything.


I am still reading Exodus. I find it amazing that even though the Israelite's saw God in a pillar of cloud and fire, saw Him send manna every day, saw Him part the Red Sea, and saw Him bring water from a rock they still built a golden calf. It blows my mind that they had the evidence right in front of their faces but still had the nerve to turn their backs on Him. It goes as far as to say that God was going to kill them all and Moses had to talk Him down. That is amazing to me. A God that is all powerful and can wipe us out with a single word can still change his mind because of the advice of a human. That is evidence of a God that truly believes in a relationship. If they can see Him everyday and still not believe then how much more faith does it take to believe in a God that isn't always visible?

So for day 4 I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
Selected Reading
No lying

Changes:

I have been noticing some changes. I am extremely sore still but I am noticing a much larger drive in motivation. I have been sick and felt terrible all day but I still wanted to work out and read. I didn't work out because I was told that I needed to take it easy or else I would prolong the sickness.

I am hoping for much bigger changes as I go along. I still think about my situation and how bad it is but then I tell myself that I am here for a reason. I am here for this exact reason actually. To recover and find God. There really isn't a better reason. I think that is why I haven't been getting any call backs from the jobs I have been applying to. I think God wants me here for some reason. But as long as I am trusting in Him then I don't have to worry about what that reason is. I am learning to play the background.

Day 3: Glute Pain

Day 3 has come and gone. It was a painful day to say the least. I did an exercise called plyometrics. Basically, it is jump training. I spent 45 minutes in a squat position. It was killer.

Soon after my work out I had to go to work. There I began to feel sick.  I am not sure why. I feel like the healthier I am being, the better my health should be, but it is possible that my body is adjusting to a new lifestyle and during this process my immune system took a dive. Not exactly sure but I came home early from work and have been sick ever since. Pounding headache, sore throat, aches, fever, and the soreness of my workout.

I am still working my way through Exodus. I am amazed at the ammount of time God rambles on to Moses explaining what the new rules and regulations are going to be for Isreal. Moses must have gotten drowsey during that speach because I sure did. And all the explanations really got me thinking about why the Old Testament God would want them to follow such a strict set of guidelines? I mean, he was very specific about the law and the punishment for not following it. I think that it worked for Isreal but how about now?

So for day 3 I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No dates
No lying

Changes:

I did not sleep well last night but I think that is because I was getting sick. I felt good through the day. My body is very sore and I am starting to notice how hungry I am. I refrain from eating outside of my diet.

All in all, I am feeling very hopeful about my transformation. I have not noticed much yet but I know I will sooner or later. I am hoping that I find motivation for a relationship with God through reading His word. Sometimes I feel so disconnected and alone like there isn't a God. I hope that through this experience I find that spark and can find peace. A peace that is above the storm.

Day 1: The Beginning

There are times when life hits you with a hammer and crushes you into a million pieces and you must start from scratch to place the pieces of the puzzle back together. I have recently been crushed and now I must rebuild. But this time I want to build my life on something solid. Something concrete. So before I begin let me give you a little background.

I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.

My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.

This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.

I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.

I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.

This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.

I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.

Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.

My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."

Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.

So here is the challenge:

I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.

So for 90 days:

I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date

I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.

I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.

I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.

I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.