Day 61: Nothing Else Matters

I was reading in Psalms today about how humans are but a breath on the earth. I read about how we are like a flower that grow and then the wind comes and blows us away ans the place where we once were no longer remembers us. We are absolutely worthless. Nothing.

It then goes on to talk about how God's love for those who fear Him is from everlasting to everlasting. That means that God remembers us. He knew me before I was me and will remember me after I am gone. Forever. This is comforting to know. I was planted on this earth and will be gone someday. People will forget my name and this earth will not remember who I was or what I did but God will never forget me and I will see Him again because of His love.

So for day 62, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have refocused on God and his unfailing love for me. I am back in the arms of my creator and no one will ever shake that from me again. A promise I know I cannot keep, but I will never give up on God as long as I live. He is it. Nothing else matters.

Day 60: Letting Go

This is one of the hardest things for me ever. I have been hanging out with the girl that started this whole things and we finally had the talk about how I had to get back to God and finish my journey. I made a commitment to myself and to God and I have let Him down and myself down as well. I lost trust in my God and let myself get distracted. But this journey isn't over. God isn't done with me.

This journey is like an elevator and once I made the decision to embark on building a better life I got on and pushed the up button. Now I may have fallen down in the elevator but it is still going up. I am not quitting and I am not giving up but I need your help God. I am writing this and I can't hold back the tears. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have lost control. I need you God. I need you to pick me back up because I can't do this alone.

So for day 60, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying

Changes:

I took a girl on a date and had a wonderful time. I felt awful though. I felt like I was cheating on myself or this other girl or God. All these things I thought about before the date but I did it anyways. I want this to be in the change column because it is helping me to understand what my weaknesses are. Where God can can take the lead. This is why I had that conversation with the girl. I had to tell her if I was ever going to be successful in life with myself or  ever respect myself then I was going to have to let go. And this is scary. I am worried that because of this I will never get her back. But I have to trust my God. I have to trust Him fully and that is the hardest part of letting go.

Day 59: Gods Plan?

Confusion and distraction. This is what women bring to the table and the reason I decided to keep them out of this journey. I am glad I did but the timing is frustrating. I meet girls that I find attractive and want to get to know but I have to keep them at arms length because of my commitment. I know I said I was dropping that part of finding freedom but who am I kidding. I started this with a goal in mind and I have to stick to it.

It seems so hard for me to focus at times but I am getting my commitments done every day. I am still having to play catch up with my reading and it isnt' easy. Especially with this new shift I am doing. It is from 10-6 so it splits my day in half.

I sometimes wonder if God really has a plan for me or not. I find myself wanting to take the wheel so often and I don't know if it is worth it or not. Well obviously it isn't but the feelings I have tell me I can do it on my own. I hate feeling that way. I want to feel dependent like nothing I do is right without Gods help. That way I will never lose focus, never get off track, never question or second guess. I think Gods plan is to have me trust Him. If I am doing that, then I am following his plan.

So for day 59, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I spent almost four hours at the gym. This seems a bit extreme but I am working hard to try and break through this plateau that I am at. I weighed myself and I am 190lbs. I am about to break into the 180's and I am so excited. I am only 10lbs from my goal. I have the rest of this month to do it. There is a song by Liknin Park where they talk about breaking the habit. "I am breaking the habit tonight." This line is true of me and this journey, it has been about me breaking the habits. I have finally broken my bad habits and have 30 days to replace them with new ones. Gods plan?

Day 58: Fingers Crossed?

I am reading in Psalms. I like Psalms sort of and dislike it because of the speed at which I am reading it. You go through it so fast that all the Psalms seem to blend together and sound the same. "Lord, protect me from that, save me from this, I praise you for these." It all sounds that same. Encouraging stuff but I am going through it way too fast.

I have been working out hard and did Plyometrics. It is a rough workout but then I was in the middle of it and thought, "I only have to do this workout 3 more times and then I am finished!" It was a crazy thought.
I can't believe that I am almost done with this. Only 32 more days. I have only made it this far with the help of God. That is my only explanation.

So for day 58, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I measured my biceps and they are growing. I am starting to notice definition in my arms and body. I am looking vastly different from when I started. I hope to continue this trend and push myself towards my goal. I am sort of plateauing in weight loss but everything else is seeming to change on my body. I want to reach 180 pounds by the end of this experience. Fingers crossed? No, it is a sure thing. When you set a goal and can see the finish line, then you are going to finish strong.

Day 47: Pray and Move Forward

Job is a great book so far. Job thinks he is so righteous and upright and God is now speaking to Job. He is speaking to Job in a storm and he tells him that He is in control. Not Job. He is the one who holds everything in place and who is Job to question that?

I am struggling with that a bit right now. If God is in control, then why do bad things happen and people on this earth have a miserable existence. Why does life seem to come down to chance? If God has a plan for every persons life then how can some peoples lives look so miserable? I complain a lot about the bad things that have happened to me but they don't hold a candle to the cards others were dealt. I have been looking too long at what I don't have instead of what I do have.

So for day 47, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am starting to get a lot of attention from women. I don't know how to react to this or what to say. I had a girl from the bank slip her phone number in the deposit tube when she sent my receipt back. What make is harder is she is beautiful. I mean really pretty and I have always thought that. I have made this commitment and I don't know how to react to this or handle it. The girl that started the whole experience is being much more friendly ans is asking me to do things with her outside of work and I don't know how to handle that either. I guess I just have to put it in Gods hands. If you pray and give your day to God then what more can you do? Pray and move forward.

Day 46: Chains

This whole experience is about finding freedom and I still don't know where to look. I sometimes think I have found it and then I realized that I am chained to my humanity. Every day I think about this girl. Chain. I find myself coveting a better life. Chain. I find an old habit that holds me down. Chain. I leave God at the door. Chain.

Chains bind us. Plato wrote The Parable of the Cave. It was about humans that were chained in a dungeon facing a wall and the only thing they could see was shadows of the world behind them. They never had a true picture of reality. They were bound to their world of make believe. I often get caught in this world. I even get to the point where I believe the world I have made for myself is reality.

I want so bad to break those chains. I want to be free of my human condition. But even Job pleaded his innocence before God and could not be found blameless because of that human condition. We are born to sin and will forever be sinners. That is the human condition. We are sinners. Period. The only way that we can never be free of those chains is to accept the grace of God. I don't exactly know what the freedom means but I know that I want it with all that I am.

So for day 46, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have a tough time digging through all the junk that is still in my life and finding something pure. Days like today remind me that I am nothing and even though I have made huge strides mentally, physically, and spiritually I can not take credit for this success. I am such a selfish person that I want to boast about the things I have done. Even this blog seems selfish to me because I am putting this out for everyone to see when it is my cross to bear. I sometimes look at the page views and get excited or I think about what inspirational words I am going to write that day. How selfish. Chain.

Day 45: Midway

I am half way through the 90 days today. I can't believe that it has been 45 days already and I can't believe the changes. I have some before pictures I am going to post today as well as midway pictures I took to show the physical transformation. I am wearing black in both pictures so they will be somewhat representative of my weight loss. The before pictures are me at 234lbs. The midway pictures are me at 195lbs. I still have 15lbs to lose to reach my goal before summer.

Today I am reading Job. Like I said yesterday, that guy went through the fire. Today I felt so happy. I knew that nothing was impossible with Gods help. I mean yesterday I said it and today I lived it. I had one of the best days I have ever had. I am happy when I get to share days like these because they seem to break the negativity up a bit. I want to give God all the credit because this wouldn't be possible without Him. Without Him, I have already lost.

So for day 45, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am feeling more energy and reached a pivotal weight loss goal. I am now 195lbs and counting.

I am also encouraged by the experiences of others. I feel like God has big plans for my life and today He proved it. I have a friend who is struggling and I was running by his house and just got the urge to stop in. We talked for a while and prayed at the end. I left his house feeling very encouraged. I have looked up to this guy my whole life and he has been a positive influence on me and now I am able to return the favor. I feel so blessed and happy that God has used me for good.

Before:

Midway:

Day 44: It Hurts So Good

I just finished reading Esther and began Job. Wow, I love the first few chapters of Job. I relate to that guy in so many ways and not at all. I feel like we are both being tested but I think Job had it way worse. He lost everything he loved. I mean everything. Now, I have faced loss but not like that and I don't know which kind of loss is worse. I lost someone I cared about but not to death. I lost them and still had to see them every day. It was a loss because of rejection. That kind of loss hurts. I don't know what kind of loss Job felt but I think it may have been similar. He felt like God was turning His back on Job. That would be a scary thought and very painful.

I wish in so many ways that I could be like Job. He trusted God in the darkest of times. I feel so weak sometimes because I lose that trust and try to do it on my own. If I can do all things through Christ, then I can't do anything without Him. I mean sure, I can feel momentary success in this selfish life, but alas, a moment is all I can have. In the end we all have to make choices. We all have to decide who or what is going to guide our life. And if the decision is that we ourselves will take the reigns then we have already failed. But if that decision is to have God lead our lives, then the race doesn't have to end. We can run for eternity and know that no matter what happens, we have already won.

So for day 44, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I have noticed a big change in the way my body is reacting to my food intake. I am eating more then I used to and losing more weight. I think it is because the amount of meals I am eating keeps my metabolism working throughout the day on top of all the calorie burn. I weighed myself yesterday and then again today and have lost 2 more pounds. I am shriveling away to nothing.

I have a hard time making it through workouts sometimes and on a small level, the workouts are representative of this journey as a whole. This journey hurts. It hurts to leave behind the things you once loved and move on to something new. It hurts to face the pain of rejection every day. It hurts to know that things will never be the same. It hurts to change. But just like my physical well being and the changes that are happening in the body, you have to feel the pain to get results. I am feeling the pain and let me tell you, it hurts so good.

Day 43: Faith

I find it hard to focus on God when your mind wanders elsewhere and you get caught up in the daily fantasy of a better life. I find it interesting that I all too often will dream of something better and distant and don't know how to get there, but then I snap out of it and realize that if I have my sights set on God and His plan for me, then the future doesn't seem so distant and those dreams are a little bit more like reality. I think God gave us the ability to dream so that we could have something to strive for. I believe God wants that for us. But more than anything, God wants us to rely on Him.

The reason I bring this us is because I found myself dreaming about the future today. I was worrying about where I was going to go after camp and what school I was going to attend, if I could get into law school, where I was going to live, how I was going to survive financially, how things will turn out with this girl, what happens after I graduate. All these things flooded my mind and consumed my thought. I was feeling pretty distraught with worry. But then I snapped back to reality. I was not in the future yet. I was running. Running a long ways. I was running my first 10k and the whole time all I could think about was what was going to happen. I pulled out my headphones and prayed to God to take the worry and the rest of my day was filled with thoughts of the here and now. Live today for today.

So for day 43, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet and exercise
No lying
No dating
And my first 10k run!

Changes:

My energy levels are off the charts. I am happy that I am living every day for the treasures of that day. I have loose plans for the future and I will pray and move forward but if God has other plans for me then so be it. God will guide me. This is a change that I am still getting used to. It is trusting in God when it seems hard to believe in God. I feel a little like the Israelites in that I still have trouble trusting the unseen. Faith, it is a tough lesson to learn.

Day 40: Minerals

I don't know how Jesus felt when he was being tempted after 40 days in the desert but I know this, temptation has been knocking at my door and I am having to dig deep to overcome. I got invited to a party on Saturday, I have been getting along with my boss, and I have been tempted to abandon this whole project because I feel pretty good. When things are going well we have a tendency to turn aside from God and think we can do it on our own but really it is the exact opposite.

I will liken this to an economic theory. When the economy takes a down turn, people generally begin to hoard their money and save it which is the exact opposite of economic stimulation. The economy is stimulated by purchasing. When the economy is good people spend more than they should and don't save. People should save when times are good and spend when times are bad.

Just like this analogy, I need to building up my "God" reserves so that when hard times come, I have enough to survive. I am only human. I have struggled this week because of this. I have not read in like three days, I got sick, everything seemed to be working out at work, and I have just struggled to keep on track. I know these don't seem like issues at all and some of the list is positive, but that is where the struggle is. I seem to be losing the connection while things are good.

So for day 40, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

Like I said, I am losing the connection. I want so bad to get back on track like I had to do during the first month. I need your prayers and I need to have the strength to stand and make things better. I have to rely on God. Sometimes I feel so emasculated that a woman could have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am so determined to finish this thing but do I have the minerals?

Day 37: Feelings

I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.

I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings.  My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.

It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.

So for day 37, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.

I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.

Day 32: God's Got This

Today is bittersweet. It is the last day I have to work the closing shift. I am glad to be done with it but at the same time, I am not all that excited about going back to mornings. It is just another schedule change. I must begin working with my boss again. I am sure it will be fine because I put the situation into Gods hands.

I went to the gym today and weighed myself on the professional scale. I have finally broke 200lbs! I am 199. That gave me a boost of energy so I had a great workout today. I am loving the way I feel and the fact that I sleep well. I am just enjoying this experience. Today as I was walking out the door to go to the gym, my buddy stopped me and asked how I was doing. I could tell by his tone that this wasn't just a question you ask in passing. He was truly asking how I was. I just began to pour out this journey to him and told him how I am beginning to feel. Besides all the positive things, I began to pour out my struggles. I realized during this conversation that I was beginning to bury those struggles and not sharing them was hurting me.

He continued to listen and as he encouraged me and listened I kept thinking about how I could encourage him back. I was about to get in my car after sharing a bit with each other and he stopped me. He said, "I see that you are about to go to the gym but I want to pray with you first."

I feel so blessed to have people that are willing to pray for me and care about me. I don't understand why God cares about me so much to answer my prayers. This morning I prayed that God would show me what to do and he sent this friend at just the right time to pick me back up.

So when I got back home I went for a run. At the end of the run I asked God to speak to me. He told me once again, "Josh, I've got this. I will be with you." I still don't want to know why God cares for me so much but I know that He has got my life in my hands. I am still in this desert and I am still wondering aimlessly but I am no longer doing it alone. God's got this.

So for Day 32, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is melting my selfishness away. I am learning that I cannot survive not even one day without His guidance. I have a connection that I have never had before. I know that there is no obstacle to great for me to overcome and I know God is with me. When I encounter struggles I look at them differently. "This too shall pass." Learn and grow.

I want so much to be the person I was made to be, and I hope to find who that is on this journey. I still have so much work to do and will always be working on myself, but now I know that I am making true progress in discovering who God intended Josh to be.

As I am writing this, I am overcome by the Spirit of God and feel empowered. Tears are streaming down my face because I have accepted Gods'  Amazing Grace.

Day 30: 33.333333333

Today is a day for the record books. I have been doing P90x for 30 days straight and reading my Bible for 30 days as well. I finally get a break from the Bible (not that this is a good thing) but reading generally tires me out. Today is a "rest" day from reading but I read anyways. I also did Plyometrics. Phase 2 of P90x is a little more intense but some of the workouts are the same like Plyo.

My boss and I got into a confrontation today and I came home to work out my rage (frustration actually but rage makes it sound cooler). I was pretty upset while working out. I had texted her and apologized for my argumentative spirit. I should have just listened to her, but alas, I have too much of my mother and father in me to back down. So while I was working out, I kept thinking about it. Then my nephews walked in and began to jump with me (plyometrics is jump training). They were smiling at me and asking me to look at them. They were trying to follow my lead and I just started smiling. I had prayed just before my workout that God would handle the issues I was having and he seemed to answer my prayer in a different way then I thought. Instead of giving me a sign toward resolution with my boss, he changed my spirit and gave me a new attitude. I was no longer angry, I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just enjoying my nephews try to accomplish the seemingly impossible tasks put before them. They were falling and laughing and flailing. It was hilarious.

This also gave me a new thought that I have never entertained before. While I was watching them do their best to overcome childhood clumsiness and complete the moves, I thought that this time spent with them may be the only time in my life that I have been proud of myself as an uncle. Not that I am a great uncle but I was excited that I was being a positive influence toward them for the first time in their lives. They were seeing me do something good with my life instead of something destructive. I want that. I want them to see me working out, eating right, reading my Bible, making positive changes instead of coming home drunk, playing video games, bringing home different girls. They need to see something positive.

So for day 30, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am 1/3 through this journey and I am loving the ride. I look back at the last month and I am excited that I have made it this far. I have a lot of work to do. I am not nearly where I want to be physically, spiritually, or mentally. Yes, I have made progress in all of these areas but I am going to have to turn it all over to God every day if I want to make it through.

Never, Never, Never Give Up!!!!

Day 29: Phase 2

Today is the start of phase 2 in P90X. It is quite the workout. I was extremely fatigued but pushed through it. It was an amazing workout and I feel great because of it. I am really on a push to get under 200 pounds by the end of this month. I thought I could do it last week but I hit a wall as far as weight loss goes. I am trying break through that wall and get back to healthy weight loss. 

I started reading Chronicles today and I have to be honest with you, I don't know why that is in the Bible. It has to be in there for a reason but it is so far just genealogy. It must be there for historical purposes. I don't exactly know.

I was sitting in my car today thinking about what I was going to say in this blog. I thought about the secrets we all have. Some of them are too embarrassing to talk about so we bury them, others might incriminate us, and some things just aren't anybodies business. It all comes down to honesty. Some things other people truly don't need to know, but I think God needs to know. Even thought He can see our hearts the confessions of those dark places in our souls are what He wants to hear. Being honest with yourself and being honest with God is so important.

So for day 29, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I am looking at ways to improve my diet. I have been following P90x diet and exercise but I am not losing weight like I was. I don't know if I need to increase my caloric intake because my body thinks I am starving or what. I was given a book on the glycemic index and I am going to read about what is necessary for me to sustain healthy weight loss. I hope I get some good tips. I weighed myself today and I was 203 lbs. I think 200 lbs is attainable by the end of this week.

Day 26: Plateau

Day 26 was the first time since I have started this journey that I have been tempted by alcohol. Not that someone was handing it to me or anything like that. I was just having a hard day and hadn't really been focused on my goals. I started to think about what would make the day better and that popped into my head.

I find that if I don't pray in the morning for a good day, my day isn't as good. I have less motivation and I get angry at work. I gotta tell ya, I can't stand work sometimes. I get there and I have to deal with a ton of stress from my employees, from my boss, and from the other managers not pulling their weight. I think God is testing me to see how I hold up under pressure or something. The other day I just wanted to give up and walk out and thought my life may be better if I just wasn't in that environment. It is just exhausting and almost more than I can handle some days.

So for Day 26, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I wish I could be in a different situation sometimes but I know that God wants me to continue doing what I am doing. I have been exercising a ton this week. Running every day on top of P90X. It is a lot and adds to the exhaustion but I am still doing it. I have sort of plateaued as far as my weight loss goes. I have stepped it up to try to continue the trend but I am not sure that my work schedule, my diet at work, and my stress levels are conducive to weight loss. I don't eat bad but I think that I am now putting on more muscle mass and that is heavy weight. I know I will start losing again soon if I just stick with it.

Day 25:

If you read the old testament, God seems to be in constant communication with the Israelites and this is in my mind what prayer is but it is barely referred to as prayer. It is more or less called communication. A dialogue. This is sort of a foreign concept to most of us now a days I think because the word prayer referes to this communication but it also refers to so much more.

Now, I know how frustrating it can be to say, "Your will be done" because in all honesty, I can't look back at my life and remember a time when I wanted Gods will to truly be done unless in happened to be what I wanted for my life. That is the nature of selfish humans.

Having said all that, I believe that the word regret used by God in reference to Saul is not the word the author would have chosen if he knew what its meaning was now. I don't believe God actually regretted making Saul King. I think He was sorry about the choices Saul made. And if you think about it, if Saul hadn't made the choices he did, we wouldn't be having this conversation so maybe God allowed it for this exact moment! Do you ever think God raised up a king or allowed a story to be put into the Bible just to that your life could be changed and therefore you cold change lives? Maybe that is why God allowed this word to be put here.  (I am referring to the writing in day 22.)

This comes back to my thoughts on the Bible not being perfect. It was written by humans and I don't think they always used the right words and the translations through the years have given new meanings to old words and so on and so forth. Just because I believe the Bible had errors does not take away from the power of the book. In fact, I think it enhances the majesty and mystery. It begs us to ask questions like these and work through the answers together.

God doesn't make mistakes. And Saul was no exception and neither am I. I am willing to bet that God looks back at me and is sorry for the mistakes I have made. But God doesn't make junk and he doesn't make mistakes. I am here for a reason and so are you.

So for day 25, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating
Allotted Bible reading

Changes:

I am feeling much more energetic than I used to. If you notice, I said in earlier blogs that if you do something 22 times in a row without breaking the chain, you have developed a habit. Well, I am on day 25 and I have not drank or smoked or dated. I am making habits of not doing things but it is the habits of doing things that I am still working on. I have worked out every day for 25 days except two days. I was sick one, and depressed the other. I will not stop until this exercise becomes such a habit that I won't even have to think about it.

Day 24: Mighty Men

Today was pretty cool. I had a great workout. I always working out my arms because I feel like I am doing a lot of work and I like being sore from a workout. Sculpting my guns. While I was at the gym, I saw this girl that had been to my church before. I recognized her and thought about saying hi but here is the catch, she is gorgeous and I am not dating. I didn't want to even be tempted by the notion so I just kept to myself and continued working out.

I read about David and his mighty men today. The Bible talks about these men as being men of renown. One of them, the leader named Josheb-Basshebeth, killed eight hundred men in one encounter! Another one named Eleazar went to battle with the Philistines and all Israel retreated but he stood his ground and killed Philistines until he got tired and froze to his sword! Shammah, another of the three, stood in a field while Israel again retreated and defeated the Philistine army by himself.

I read these stories and am amazed because there is not a man of renown on this earth today that will ever measure up to these amazing acts. God truly blessed Israel and David and those in his company.

So for day 24, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I long to be remembered when I die. I read about these mighty men and I see strength, courage, devotion, loyalty, dedication, commitment, and perseverance and I want to bad to have those qualities. I am going through this fire to come out the other end a mighty man.

Day 23: Feeling Freedom

Once again, I was running today and had my eyes opened by God. I updated my Bible app on my phone and can listen the Bible while I am running now. I am reading about David. He is an amazing man in scripture. God blesses him at every turn even when he is sinning. David is called a man after God's own heart. He dealt with a lot. (David is my second favorite Bible character behind Joseph so far). David overtook the city of Jerusalem even though it was thought impossible. They told him that they could defend the city with the blind and lame but David took it anyways.

The city of Jerusalem was and is still a point of controversy throughout history to now. People have fought over the City of David for centuries a and hundreds of thousands of people have lost their lives to be a part of the "salvation" of Jerusalem, but this all started with David. He settled there and built his kingdom from there. He met with God there. He lived one of the most amazing lives in history there.

One of the most interesting things I have read in Samuel is about Davids heart being so compassionate to his enemy. The Bible says that several times, Saul (the king who tried to kill David on numerous occasions) was given into Davids hands and David had to make a choice each time. Once, Saul was in a cave and David had to decide what to do because he had the drop on Saul and Saul didn't even know it. He just cut his robe and let him live. Now this is where the amazing part comes in. Not only did David leave him alive but the Bible says he felt bad for cutting the robe of the Lords anointed. In another part, the Bible describes how an Amalakite had admitted to David that he helped Saul kill himself and thought this would please David because Saul had been hunting David for years. David had the man killed because he had admitted to killing the Lords anointed king and David morned for Saul.

I don't understand how to get to the point in life that I can cry for my enemies and long for them to be in the kingdom. I don't understand how someone can get to the point where they can utter the words, "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" I want to be unfazed by the actions of those that wrong me.

So for day 23, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I titled this feeling freedom. Last night I heard something about this girl that did me wrong. I heard about her and her struggles with other guys (this boyfriend of hers who treats her poorly, another guy she used to date), and I didn't feel anger that she was pursuing other relationships. I felt bad for her. I knew at that point that she was confused and searching for love in all the wrong places. She is doing the same thing I had done for so many years. Searching for something in this miserable little world that is going to bring happiness. I felt a little like David mourning for Saul. It was a new feeling. Instead of taking this news personally, all I wanted to do was show her kindness and support. All I wanted to do was help her.

I think for one of the first times during this experience I felt what I am searching for. I felt unfazed by the actions of this girl. I felt freedom.

Day 22: Rehab

I was talking to a friend this weekend. We were talking about decisions and regrets. I had asked another friend of mine if he believed the term regret referred to a mistake that was made because that is always how I have perceived the word. His belief was not that it referred to a mistake but essentially you were saying you were sorry for what you had done weather good or bad.

God said in Samuel that he regretted setting Saul on the throne. You see, God was sorry for what He had done. Now I am not sure about my next thought process so feedback is requested. If God was sorry that He had put Saul on the throne and God doesn't make mistakes, does that mean God didn't know what choices Saul was going to make as a king? Isn't that absolute freedom? Being free of Gods foresight? Not that God couldn't see the future choice but He may have chosen not too? I don't know about this that is why I am writing about it.

I have talked a lot about choice we make and realize now that regrets don't matter. Why have regrets? I mean, you can't change the past. What happened happened and it is unchangeable. We will never know the outcome of the choice we didn't make. We only know the outcome of the one we did make so why worry about the other?

So for day 22, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking (which I have not even been tempted with since I started this thanks to God)
No Smoking
P90X Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Bible Reading (I have not missed a day and I am still on track)

Changes:

I am starting to take it one day at a time. On the P90X video, the trainer says, "come on! its only 30 seconds! You can do anything for 30 seconds!" I love this outlook. You really can do anything for 30 seconds. So why not live the next 30 seconds of your life for the next 30 seconds of your life? If you tackle a day that way then you aren't nearly as discouraged.

I have to break these ninety days down that way. I have to take it one day at a time. If I viewed it as 90 days then I get overwhelmed. But if I view it as today, It is much easier. This is the only way I can view my situation. I am in recovery and need to have little victories. This is the only way to encompass my my rehab.

Day 16: Connected

I was reading the Bible this morning and I was reading in Joshua. I have always felt a connection to Joshua because we share the same name but also because I see a lot of me in him or him in me. You see, Joshua was being groomed to be a leader all the time he was in the desert with Moses. When Moses finally died, Joshua took over and became the leader of an entire nation. I feel this connection because I have always had the qualities of a good leader. I want to have the qualities of a great leader. I found that there was a difference when I was in high school. Stephanie Johnson instilled in me the seeds necessary for me to grow into a great leader. The difference is a good leader will take people where they want to go. A great leader will show them where they need to be.

Joshua was a great leader because he led without thought of self. He led thinking of others.

So for day 16, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise
No lying
No dates

Changes:

I am starting to get into a routine every day. I am getting so repetitive with my actions that things are becoming habitual. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he said, "man, I don't think P90X is sustainable for guys our size" and I thought about that over the next few days. He might be right, but I am making it a habit and I am not going to break the habit. I hope this will mean at the end of the 90 days I will feel so lost without the work out that I will just continue to do it out of habit.

I am also noticing that the mornings that I have an intentional prayer to have God lead my life, my day seems to go much better. I have less angry thoughts, I curse less, I am more understanding. I am liking this change because every day, even though it is small things, I am noticing God changing me little by little. I am feeling so connected.