Day 11: The Elevator

Today was by far the worst day I have had since I started this challenge. I didn't eat well, I didn't read my Bible, I thought about all the bad stuff going on in my life, I didn't get any homework done. Basically I wasted my whole day. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel like I let myself down. I let God down. But as I sit here typing, I think about what tomorrow will bring. It is a new day and I don't have take what happened today as a let down. Maybe it was a chance for me to refocus. I lost sight of my goals today and fell as a result.

So for day 11, I accomplished the following.

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Dates

Changes:

Weight loss and soreness once again. Today I noticed a definite lack of motivation on my part. I am not sure if it was because it was a stressful day at work or if it is because I began to think about the future again. I need to just focus on now. Trying to get through life one day at a time and not worrying about what the future holds. I fell hard today but I want to get back up and continue strong. I am reminded of an analogy of Jesus being like an elevator taking you to the Father on the top floor. Once I am in Christ (the elevator) I am going up, but if I fall in the elevator am I still going up? Of course I am. The elevator doesn't change directions. It just goes up. I just don't want to push the stop button. I am in Christ and I am going to get back up. The elevator hasn't stopped.

Day 10: You Were Born an Original

Day 10, what can be said? It was fairly uneventful. I must say, work is stressful and when I get home I don't really want to work out but I force myself sometimes and other times it is easy. I hate having to go in the morning and being short handed or having to hear it from the bosses all day about how bad the store is running. I sometimes wonder what people think of me there? I mean, I don't go around telling people about this commitment I have made. In fact, this blog is pretty much the only forum where I talk about a lot the issues on my mind.

I am reading Numbers in the Bible. It is going by too quickly for me to understand what is going on really. I mean there is a lot of, well, numbers. Counting, sorting, planning, it all seems to be sort of methodical and intentional. I don't see much feeling poured into the book. I tend to put too much feeling into my writing. In fact, I write more about my feelings than I do talk about them. I have a feeling and it goes in the blog. That doesn't mean that I am making decisions based on those feelings. I am just having a feeling. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

So for Day10, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Dates
No Lying


Changes:

I have been losing a significant amount of weight. I am the lightest I have been in five years. I have been loving that aspect of my journey. I am sore every day from working out and I am hungry a lot because I don't want to eat at McDonald's so I just go hungry until I get off work. I need more food to sustain this workout. Fuel the body.


I was thinking about the events that unfold in our lives. The way we view ourselves or the way we long for others to view us and I came to an interesting conclusion. We tend to handle those events in the way we think people want us to. I am saying this because a lot of who we are is a make up of what we want to be, not who we really are. Let me explain, when I come in contact with someone and they have a personality trait that I admire and like, I tend to try to mimic that trait. I have done this for years. Stealing all the good traits and making myself into the person I think the world wants see. But I see now that this is only adding layer and layer of paint until you can't even see what the original was. Once you get down to the original wood finish you can see the true beauty that the paint was hiding. I want that wood finish to shine through. You were born an original, don't die a copy.

Day 9: I am Me

Day 9 was another day for the record books. I haven't felt this much energy, but this tired in years. I find myself focusing a lot on my exercising and less on everything else. I guess I am so busy exercising that I don't have time to think about the other things I am refraining from. I haven't even thought about alcohol except for once at work. We were all talking about our favorite beers. I began to get the craving. That was last week though.

I had started to wonder why God was so intentional and particular with his rules and regulations in Leviticus, but then I had a conversation with my mother. A lot of times when I talk, I tend to formulate opinions or ideas as they pop up. I try to pass some of them off as things I have thought about before but that often isn't the case. While we were talking, I said something that got me thinking. I said that God was in some ways punishing the Israelites for what they did to Him. I mean think about it, God promises that He is going to be there for them, takes care of them, blesses them and then every time He turns around they are betraying Him and stabbing Him in the back. This is the very situation I faced with the girl I dated. I gave her everything, treated her like a queen, promised to be there for her and respect her and she stabbed me in the back. She betrayed my trust and it hurt. I am sure God felt the same hurt that I did. His people that He loved deserted Him and left Him alone. When they finally wanted Him back it was conditional. God needed to break them of their selfishness and teach them to be the people He wanted them to be. By giving them these laws, rules, and regulations He was creating a habit within them. He was creating an intentional life and grooming them into the people they needed to be to survive the land He was bringing them to.

So for day 9, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

The changes I am noticing are interesting. Besides having more energy, being thirsty all the time, losing weight, and being more focused, I am noticing a change in my personality. I am becoming more extroverted again. I always used to be an extrovert but I noticed that I ruined the personality God gave me. Let me explain. When I was in high school I could say whatever I wanted to people and start conversations and make new friends. I was overly outgoing and this got me in and out of trouble. As I began to drink excessively in college though, I began to rely on that drink as my outlandish outlet and as a result lost my social giddiness during sobriety. I wasn't honing the personality traits that made Josh, Josh. I was using Alcohol as that outlet and so I began to become more introverted and recluse while I was sober.

I am noticing that I am stepping out again. I am talking more and interacting better. I am socially more in tune with what is happening. I am happier. I am more content. I am at peace. I am Me.

Day 5: I lost it all

Day 5 was the first day of me being over my sickness. I still have the head cold and am stuffed up but I felt like a million bucks. I worked out with Ab Ripper X! And you kind of have to grunt when you say it so it sounds better. I must confess, I hate the guy who instructs the videos. What a tool! I mean I can't stand the sound of his voice and every time I see the video I can't help but think that I am going to have to watch him annoy me again tomorrow!

The reading was interesting because it was very repetitive. It was all about the Tabernacle and instructions on how to build it. I am not sure if it is just the section I am reading or Moses's writing that I am having trouble with. I feel like he could just say, "refer back to Tabernacle dimensions in previous chapter" rather than explaining them all over again. The story seems to drag on for chapters and chapters but, this reading also described Moses seeing God. This is an amazing event in the Bible because it is the first time since the Garden of Eden that God has shown his actual person to anyone (save for Abraham when the strangers came and told him Sara was going to have a child but most believe that was an angel). It says that Moses's face shone and he had to wear a veil to cover his face! I mean how great a God do I serve that one look at his face would kill a man?

I am noticing that I am getting a lot of support from friends and family through this journey. I appreciate all the encouraging words and I don't expect people to read this blog everyday but I do enjoy the comments that are left. They give me energy and encouragement.

So for day 5 I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am noticing some very good results. I have already lost weight. I am at 210 pounds. That is down from 234 a few months ago and down from 214 at the beginning of this challenge. My goal is to reach 180 by the summer. I feel like that is an attainable goal. I have also noticed that things don't seem to bother me nearly as much as they used to. I mean, when I wake up and pray that God takes my life into His hands, there really can't be much to complain about. He has me covered. I had to lose everything to gain that perspective.

My dear friend Tony Pacini shared this with me and I was very encouraged by it. It comes from an African Christian, it was his last testament before being martyred for his faith. 

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.... my banner will be clear!"

Day 1: The Beginning

There are times when life hits you with a hammer and crushes you into a million pieces and you must start from scratch to place the pieces of the puzzle back together. I have recently been crushed and now I must rebuild. But this time I want to build my life on something solid. Something concrete. So before I begin let me give you a little background.

I was raised in a Christian, Seventh-Day Adventist home. I had great parents (who at times were not perfect) that helped to shape me into a productive, exceptional youth. At least this was the appearance. Living the life of a Christian and wanting to join the secular world, split my reality in two. I began living two lives. The one I wanted my parents and those that I considered "role models" to see, and the life that I wanted to live. I did this through most of college, concealing my misdoings from my parents and others while building a secret life of alcohol, drugs, sex, and lies that was the life and journey I was seeking. At times I would return to my Christian roots and ask God to lead my life again but I would inevitably return to the pleasures of this world.

My life was shattered In January 2011. I had returned home to live with my parents at age 25. I wanted to live expense free and pay off some loans while I took one last class to finish off my degree. I then planned to return to California and obtain my MBA in Business Administration (still the goal) and then proceed on to law school for my JD (also still the goal). I began working at McDonald's in August of 2010. I was interviewed by the general manager whom I later began a relationship with.

This was only the second time I had dated a girl outside my own religion and I was excited about where things were going. She was two years older than I was and had a child from a previous boyfriend. I took this relationship much more seriously knowing that other lives were involved. After all, I didn't want to be just another guy coming in and out of the child's life. I wanted to be the perfect person. I wanted to respect her and her decisions. I wanted to be the perfect guy. On December 24th, Christmas Eve, I went over to her house and met her family. I spent the evening with them, wrapped presents, and exchanged gifts with her. I was making progress with the family. I went over there again on the 27th. We talked out beside my car as I held her in my arms and she looked into my eyes. We kissed and talked and kissed and talked. It was her birthday that day. It was perfect. We both agreed that we were very excited to see where this relationship was going to go and I wanted to take things to the next level and get serious about things. I told her the only thing I was waiting for was the approval of her family. She responded letting me know that her family liked me, I assumed this was the green light. I decided to wait until New Years to ask her not to see anyone else and try to make things work.

I called her on New Years Eve. No answer. I texted. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought, she'll call back. She never called, never returned my texts. The night was growing late. I wanted to see her before midnight so I could ask her, so I called again. No answer. This was unusual. I began to get worried. I wondered if she was ok. If she was hurt. I drove around looking for her somewhere in my small town, wondering what had happened.

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I got up from a sleepless night wondering what had happened. Later that day she returned my text. She told me she was sorry and she needed to talk to me about something tomorrow. I told her no. I wanted to talk now. I wanted to stop worrying. She agreed. She told me she had gone out the night before. She had met up with her old boyfriend, the father of her child. They had talked and decided to work things out.

I was shocked. I was devastated. How had things gone from hot to cold so fast!? What had I done? I had never been dumped and now I was being dumped by my boss!? How was I going to work with her? How was I going to survive this? I still had feelings, I still cared, but I was being told not too. I was being rejected.

This was a hard pill to swallow and I slipped into a deep depression. I cried myself to sleep most nights for the next few weeks. I wondered why I had cared about this girl so much and why she had such a profound impact on my life. I began to drink heavily (more than usual). I couldn't sleep unless I was drunk.. I abused these various chemicals to numb the pain of rejection.

I went to California two weeks ago to golf with my parents. I took a week to get away. While I was there I drank as well. My mom said she was doing laundry and found a bottle of vodka in my back pack. She was appalled and saddened. Her and I went on a walk later that night to talk about it. We walked and talked and she told me that God had put me in Alamosa for a reason.

Now this is how I had viewed my situation. I was a 25 year old, living with his parents, who was one class (a class I had failed once already) short of a degree, with student loans, no vehicle, and had just been rejected by the one person that had validated me as a man.

My mother viewed it very different. She said, "Josh, you are here for a reason, you are here to have a safe place to get your life back on track. You have a home, food, family, and support. We'll figure this out."

Well here we are on February 13, 2011. I am have taken my mothers advice to heart. I am beginning a recovery. Now, this is all very fresh and I don't want to use emotions to write but you must understand, I am searching for something and I want you all to be a part of my journey. I want to blog about this quest because writing is an outlet for me. Not all posts will be this long but I felt you needed a back story.

So here is the challenge:

I am giving myself to the Lord for 90 days. This challenge will include breaking old habits, finding God, and finding freedom.

So for 90 days:

I will not Drink
I will not Smoke
I will be on P90X exercise and diet
I will read the entire Bible
I will not date

I believe these five things are the start of a new life. I believe this because these are things that will allow me to be ok with me. These are things that help to make me the person I was meant to be. The person God wants me to be. The person I have always said I would become tomorrow, but as we all know, tomorrow never comes.

I began the reading and the exercise last week but for purposes of convenience and to coincide with the calender, I am calling today Day 1.

I will blog every day about my progress and hope for recovery.

I hope to find what I am looking for. If not, I have lost nothing. If so, I have gained everything.