Day 60: Letting Go

This is one of the hardest things for me ever. I have been hanging out with the girl that started this whole things and we finally had the talk about how I had to get back to God and finish my journey. I made a commitment to myself and to God and I have let Him down and myself down as well. I lost trust in my God and let myself get distracted. But this journey isn't over. God isn't done with me.

This journey is like an elevator and once I made the decision to embark on building a better life I got on and pushed the up button. Now I may have fallen down in the elevator but it is still going up. I am not quitting and I am not giving up but I need your help God. I am writing this and I can't hold back the tears. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have lost control. I need you God. I need you to pick me back up because I can't do this alone.

So for day 60, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x diet
No lying

Changes:

I took a girl on a date and had a wonderful time. I felt awful though. I felt like I was cheating on myself or this other girl or God. All these things I thought about before the date but I did it anyways. I want this to be in the change column because it is helping me to understand what my weaknesses are. Where God can can take the lead. This is why I had that conversation with the girl. I had to tell her if I was ever going to be successful in life with myself or  ever respect myself then I was going to have to let go. And this is scary. I am worried that because of this I will never get her back. But I have to trust my God. I have to trust Him fully and that is the hardest part of letting go.

Day 37: Feelings

I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.

I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings.  My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.

It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.

So for day 37, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.

I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.