Day 23: Feeling Freedom

Once again, I was running today and had my eyes opened by God. I updated my Bible app on my phone and can listen the Bible while I am running now. I am reading about David. He is an amazing man in scripture. God blesses him at every turn even when he is sinning. David is called a man after God's own heart. He dealt with a lot. (David is my second favorite Bible character behind Joseph so far). David overtook the city of Jerusalem even though it was thought impossible. They told him that they could defend the city with the blind and lame but David took it anyways.

The city of Jerusalem was and is still a point of controversy throughout history to now. People have fought over the City of David for centuries a and hundreds of thousands of people have lost their lives to be a part of the "salvation" of Jerusalem, but this all started with David. He settled there and built his kingdom from there. He met with God there. He lived one of the most amazing lives in history there.

One of the most interesting things I have read in Samuel is about Davids heart being so compassionate to his enemy. The Bible says that several times, Saul (the king who tried to kill David on numerous occasions) was given into Davids hands and David had to make a choice each time. Once, Saul was in a cave and David had to decide what to do because he had the drop on Saul and Saul didn't even know it. He just cut his robe and let him live. Now this is where the amazing part comes in. Not only did David leave him alive but the Bible says he felt bad for cutting the robe of the Lords anointed. In another part, the Bible describes how an Amalakite had admitted to David that he helped Saul kill himself and thought this would please David because Saul had been hunting David for years. David had the man killed because he had admitted to killing the Lords anointed king and David morned for Saul.

I don't understand how to get to the point in life that I can cry for my enemies and long for them to be in the kingdom. I don't understand how someone can get to the point where they can utter the words, "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" I want to be unfazed by the actions of those that wrong me.

So for day 23, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Allotted Bible Reading

Changes:

I titled this feeling freedom. Last night I heard something about this girl that did me wrong. I heard about her and her struggles with other guys (this boyfriend of hers who treats her poorly, another guy she used to date), and I didn't feel anger that she was pursuing other relationships. I felt bad for her. I knew at that point that she was confused and searching for love in all the wrong places. She is doing the same thing I had done for so many years. Searching for something in this miserable little world that is going to bring happiness. I felt a little like David mourning for Saul. It was a new feeling. Instead of taking this news personally, all I wanted to do was show her kindness and support. All I wanted to do was help her.

I think for one of the first times during this experience I felt what I am searching for. I felt unfazed by the actions of this girl. I felt freedom.

Day 22: Rehab

I was talking to a friend this weekend. We were talking about decisions and regrets. I had asked another friend of mine if he believed the term regret referred to a mistake that was made because that is always how I have perceived the word. His belief was not that it referred to a mistake but essentially you were saying you were sorry for what you had done weather good or bad.

God said in Samuel that he regretted setting Saul on the throne. You see, God was sorry for what He had done. Now I am not sure about my next thought process so feedback is requested. If God was sorry that He had put Saul on the throne and God doesn't make mistakes, does that mean God didn't know what choices Saul was going to make as a king? Isn't that absolute freedom? Being free of Gods foresight? Not that God couldn't see the future choice but He may have chosen not too? I don't know about this that is why I am writing about it.

I have talked a lot about choice we make and realize now that regrets don't matter. Why have regrets? I mean, you can't change the past. What happened happened and it is unchangeable. We will never know the outcome of the choice we didn't make. We only know the outcome of the one we did make so why worry about the other?

So for day 22, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking (which I have not even been tempted with since I started this thanks to God)
No Smoking
P90X Exercise
No Lying
No Dates
Bible Reading (I have not missed a day and I am still on track)

Changes:

I am starting to take it one day at a time. On the P90X video, the trainer says, "come on! its only 30 seconds! You can do anything for 30 seconds!" I love this outlook. You really can do anything for 30 seconds. So why not live the next 30 seconds of your life for the next 30 seconds of your life? If you tackle a day that way then you aren't nearly as discouraged.

I have to break these ninety days down that way. I have to take it one day at a time. If I viewed it as 90 days then I get overwhelmed. But if I view it as today, It is much easier. This is the only way I can view my situation. I am in recovery and need to have little victories. This is the only way to encompass my my rehab.

Day 21: Friends in High Places

Days like today give me the encouragement to move on. I have been hanging out with a few friends this weekend. It has been great to get away from the distractions of life. It has also been great answering the questions and sharing the struggles and successes of my journey with others. I have gotten a few emails and phone calls from friends and people I barely knew this weekend. This experience was entirely for me but they are getting such a blessing from my Blog and I am thankful to God for that. I never intended for this blog to inspire others, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.

We were walking out to the bluffs outside Colorado Springs armed to the hilt ready to shoot anything that came near. Coyotes, rabbits, crows, pretty much anything that is a nuisance out here. We sat on the top of the bluffs and began to discuss my journey and theirs. It was so peaceful looking out to the valley below. He began to talk about the life we are supposed to live. The life that the typical Adventist life. You go to an Adventist school, find a wife, have kids, find a job in the service industry, get involved in your church, and then retire and die. This is not untypical of the life secular people live. But this life is only a short time. If I live 80 years, how can I compare that time against eternity? I mean, how can you measure 80 years against eternity? It is impossible to do. God doesn't work within the bounds of time where as humans are bound to it. We are bound to this earthly timeline and have the choice every minute to make that minute, which is an untarnished minute in time, good or bad.

So for day 21, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dates
Also, I have been reading every day and have not missed a day of my Bible reading even though I have not said so in this section.

Changes:

Reading my Bible has been a great experience. If I don't do it until late at night I feel less motivated and it seem like a hurdle. When I do it early in the day I feel better during the day and enjoy my day more.

I have been reading Samuel. It is neat to start hearing about Saul and Samuel. Saul is a good example of someone that was lead by God that chose to turn from Him. I say this because it is how I felt about salvation. It is not a gift that God hands to you and you hand back over and over again. God will never stop trying but there comes a time when you turn from God and ask Him to stop trying and I believe He will. This is the unforgivable sin. I don't know if Saul committed this sin because I am not the judge. I just know that I don't ever want to reject the Lord. I don't want Him to give up on me and I don't believe He will.

Day 20: Gods leading

Day 20 was interesting in so many ways. I will say that is was a far cry different day from yesterday. I was driving to my friends house in Colorado Springs. I don't like long drives because it gives me too much time to think. I would rather keep busy and think less about the stresses of this world. God has an interesting way of speaking to us. While driving I began to think about the workout I had made sure to get in before I left. I began to think about all the things I am going to do in the future like my MBA, Law school, moving. All these things are goals I have set for myself.

I contemplated not working out today because I was going to leave for my friends but then I just made myself do it. It brought back into my mind my adage. The theme I am taking from this experience so far. NEVER GIVE UP. I will never give up. I have goals and I am going for them.

So for day 20, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Exercise
No Dates
No Lying

Changes:

I have to remind myself that I am not turning back. I am not giving up. I have those goals and I am going to follow them through. I am asking God to guide me through this because I have no other options. "Let me follow you, and let me trace your lines."

Day 19: The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

I started my workout today after reading my Bible. I finished Judges and began Ruth. She was kind of an interesting and powerful lady. She followed her mother-in-law blindly and never left her. I thought about that during my workout. I couldn't finish because this was the first time I have done the leg workout and it was too much for me. But when I was done I ran 2.4 miles to supplement.

While I was running I began to pray that God would take complete control of my life today. I prayed that He would give me the tools necessary to survive another day. And as I ran I realized that I had been doing all the talking these past few weeks. So I snapped out of it and asked God to speak to me. I took out my head phones and just listened. I began to have thoughts pour into my head. I began to hear God. And I began to cry uncontrollably until I saw a big truck coming toward me and thought, "I don't want to be crying when that truck passes. What if he asks me what is wrong?"

But I wasn't crying out of sadness. I was crying because of what God said to me. I basically asked Him to reveal Himself to me today. The wind was blowing and He began to speak. "Josh, do you see the wind?" Obviously I didn't. "You cannot see me either but you can see the evidence of the wind. You feel it on your face and hear it whipping past your ears. You see the trees blowing and you see the dust flying. I am the same Josh. You can see evidence of me everywhere. I am here." This is when I began to cry. He continued, "You are here for a reason and I am going to bless you like I did Moses, Aaron, Abraham, and Isaac. You are going to do great things and were meant for great things. Follow Me and do not turn to the right or to the left and I will make you great."

This is almost the same speech I have heard my mother give me. I heard her words, "Josh, you are special and were meant for great things." At this point, it was getting fairly hard to run and cry at the same time but I continued on. I knew I had just heard God speak to me and was overwhelmed. It pushed me to run harder and harder.

The tears finally dried up and I responded. "Whatever you want me to do God. I will do."

So for day 19, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is changing my heart. I told you the story above to have a Mickey Rooney moment and tell you the rest of the story. I have been praying for Gods guidance in my life and for Him to take control. I ask Him almost every day to lead and guide. Yesterday, my father told ma about a car that my grandfather was selling. He said, "Blue Book value is like $3,800 but grandpa will sell it to you for $1,000." I was excited and planned to call him today and ask him if I could buy it. I wasn't too surprised that God had opened a door and was giving me the means to be able to pay off my debt and build a little breathing room for myself for when I went out to California. I had trusted in God to provide and He did. My plan was to buy the car and sell it, then invest the rest of the money.

I called my dad to ask him for the phone number for my grandfather and he told me that my sister had already bought the car. I was pretty mad for about twenty minutes. I have always been a little jealous of my sister because of some of the advantages she gets and it has been a process for me to lose that anger. I just felt like this was another thing that she was getting over me.

But I have to take a step back. "If you are faithful with little, the Lord will make you faithful with much." My sister is much more devoted to Christ than I have ever been. I was crushed because of the conversation I had just had with God, but I will follow God no matter what He gives me or what He takes away. I am in His will and if He sees fit to give this car to my sister, then so be it. Everything is in His hands. The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away.

I have never spoken to God like that before and today was the most momentous day I have had since beginning this journey.

Day 18: Never, never, never give up

This day has had so many mixed emotions for me. I am certainly struggling in many ways. I had to beg God today to release me from my past. I have been caught in thought about regrets I have and digging up the sins I have buried. It is a good and bad day. I avoided P90X because it was Yoga and I didn't want to diet last night. This whole work schedule has got me off track. I am going to have to get used to it.

My biggest hurdle is reminding myself that God is in control and I can never give up. I was running today. 3.8 miles I ran. I was getting tired and I was thinking about all those aforementioned issues and I just began to pray as hard as I could. I was just begging God for freedom. And then the words "never give up" popped into my head. With every step I repeated those words. "Never Give UP!" It was the longest run I have had since starting P90X.

So for day 18, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X Diet
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

I felt like I reverted back to a mind set that was destructive today. I am glad that I have this blog to be able to pour this information into because in writing it down, I am able to process the thoughts I am having and the source of the frustration. Returning to God every day and begging Him to take the lead is the only way to survive in this world. When you think about it, living on this earth for 70 years is nothing when measured against eternity. So why not live this life for God? It is a hard 70 years but I just have to remind myself that God's got this. Never, never, never give up.

Day 17: Pushing On

I was working out today I began to feel this power. I don't know how to explain it but I was pushing harder and harder without any feeling of fatigue. I just worked harder and harder. I was listening to this song over and over. I posted it a few posts ago. Its about how we need to play the background. I listened carefully to the lyrics and I was inspired I guess. I was motivated. This song talks about how God can take the lead in my life. "Just let me follow you and let me trace your lines". I want that with all that I am. I want to follow God without care of what others think.

I remember the feelings I had a few months ago. I felt like I wasn't a man because I didn't have the appearance of power. Every man wants to feel strong but I am understanding what real strength is. I am reading Joshua like I said yesterday. This book has me thinking about how God can take us from where we were slaves to sin and give us the desires of our hearts. He did it with Israel. He took them to Cannan and gave them all that He had promised. He poured His blessings on them even though they had turned from Him several times. He rewarded them for their persistence. God really held up His end of the bargain.

So for day 17, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90X diet and exercise (plus a 3 mile run)
No lying
No dates

Changes:

This is the first time in my life that I have began to make positive habits for myself. I am noticing that every day I work out and read my Bible, I am motivated to continue. It seems that it is all I think about. I wake up and can't wait to read and work out. I feel better than I have ever felt.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."