Day 37: Feelings

I hate feelings. I hate them because I have to fight the urge to make decisions based on those feeling. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I have a void still. I am searching for something to fill that void and I am having a hard time finding it. I tried so many places. I have looked to drugs, alcohol, women, friends, money. Every one of these things has let me down. I am trying to find something solid that won't collapse my world.

I hate the feelings of desire I get. I sometimes think about drinking so I don't have to think about the future. I get lost in thoughts of what is going to happen to me tomorrow. Will tomorrow be the day that I give up? Will tomorrow be the day I text this girl and tell her I want her back? Will tomorrow be the day that I give in to temptation and drown my sorrows? I hate the feelings.  My feelings are deceiving me and lying to me. They play games and betray me.

It is times like this when I feel so much that I have to return to my Bible and ground myself. I have to get my head out of the clouds. I have to stop thinking so much and just focus on my goals. Yes, I still have feelings for my past. I have feelings for this girl. I have feelings of desire toward drinking. I have feelings of regret, and feelings of anger. I want to let go of these feelings. I want my thoughts and feelings to be in Gods control. I just don't know how to accomplish that. I give my life to God daily but still have these feelings.

So for day 37, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I am noticing extreme physical changes. All of my pants are just falling off. I have to tighten them all with a belt and even those are too small now. I am loving the physical transformation.

I was at the bank today and was talking with one of the tellers. She is gorgeous and asked what I was doing this summer. I told her about working at camp and she said, "that sounds cute". I just laughed and she told me that I was going to have to send her pictures of me in my rodeo gear. I laughed again and she said, "seriously, you should send me pictures." I then realized this was an invitation for me to get her number so I could send her pictures. This is so confusing for me because I don't want to flirt with women so I can resist the temptation to date. I want to avoid that for a while until I am grounded. It was not easy and I don't think it will be. I guess it is a good problem to have.

Day 36: It Matters How You're Gonna Finish

Today, I hod so much energy. I went for a run, did p90x and still felt like doing more. Unfortunately, I pulled a calf muscle so I couldn't continue but I am feeling so energetic. The weight is just falling off now. I was 199 last week and have already lost 2 pounds since then. I am just losing weight hand over foot. I am feeling so good and loving the changes that are happening physically.

I am also enjoying the changes spiritually. It is hard to gauge success in your spiritual life. I have to keep looking back (not something I enjoy doing usually) to see where I have come from. It seems that every day I am asking God for help. I remember two months ago when days would go by without me even thinking about God. Now it consumes my life. I care much less about what others think of my new found desire for truth, peace, and freedom. They may or may not understand, but like I said yesterday, nothing else matters.

So for day 36, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I know I have talked about this before but I sometimes find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I want to continue this experience and I feel like this 90 days is allowing me to plan for my next 90 days. I have to develop a plan but I also want to finish these first 90 days strong. There are times during this experience that I feel like giving up but I know that God has other plans. I honestly couldn't have made it this far without the help of God. I shared a video a while ago about a guy with no arms and no legs. His message is so powerful that I am gonna share it again.

"It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you gonna finish strong?"

Day 35: The Only Thing that Matters

I was awakened from my afternoon nap by a bunch of screaming kids with their parents in tow funneling into my apartment for snacks a break from the harsh winds outside. They had all been at the park earlier that day. Church friends mostly. They all began to eat and talk and I came out of my hovel to join the conversation. We all sat down and one of the guests began to play the guitar and sing. We all joined in and sang with him. He then asked us to share what had happened to us this week. I began to tell them the story of my week.
Everyone was very encouraging and prayed over me when I was finished. They had heard about my struggles with this journey, the boss, the workouts, the diet. All these things are putting me through the fire and I am in desperate need of their prayers.

I don't know why I say or do the things I do sometimes, but what I am realizing is that I am gonna go through this experience and come out the other side just as human as the day I started. I have so many desires in life and they are all melting away the more I put my trust in God. I want to put God on the forefront and not let anything in this world phase me. Even my own mistakes. I don't want to be inhibited by my human limitations.

So for day 35, I accmomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No lying
No dating

Changes:

I had a fight with the girl last week. Everything seemed to be going really well and then it all fell apart. I ruined things and any chance of getting things back on track unless she forgives me. I can't believe I am still so selfish. But I am putting this in the changes section because it is something I cannot change. That is the realization that I am coming to, why worry about the things I cannot change. I have apologized. what else can I do? It is now out of my control. I am genuinely sorry for what I said and have to live with that. If she doesn't forgive me then I understand.

I am learning that God is the only thing that matters.

Day 34: Grace and Love

Just began 2 Chronicles today. It is quite the read. It starts out with Solomon asking God for wisdom. I know books have been written on this prayer but it truly is amazing. God basically tells Solomon to ask for anything he wants, anything at all. Now, when I heard this when I was young, I used to think of God being like a genie. He popped out of a lamp and gave Solomon one wish. Obviously not true but the principle is the same.

Solomon asked God for wisdom and knowledge so he could govern his people right. This pleased God. He was happy that Solomon had asked for this. I want to have the heart of Solomon so that I can truly want wisdom above all other desires. I want to be able to discern what is right and what is wrong.

This blog is all about finding freedom. I am still bound to this earth by so many things. I wish I had the heart of Solomon. I wish with all my heart that I was free from this world and all my evil ways. I wish I didn't still make mistakes that I have to ask God to forgive me for. I wish that I could be as wise as Solomon, but here is the conundrum, even Solomon made mistakes in all his wisdom. So where can I find true freedom?

So for day 34, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and Exercise
No Lying
No Dating

Changes:

I am now a few pounds under 200 and I am realizing that I still have a long ways to go. But if I keep up the weight loss throughout the next 50 some days I may reach my goal of 180. I am excited about the prospect of that happening.

I prayed while running again today. This song kept popping into my head and I am not sure where to find true freedom but this song sure helps me gain some perspective.

Day 33: Mistakes

I made a big mistake. I went to lunch with my boss to talk out some of our differences. We talked for a few hours and resolved a lot of issues. I am glad we talked glad we worked through our issues. I felt like working together might not be so bad after all. I was going to work on my response to her requests so that there wasn't so much tension.

Well, everything seemed to be going well she asked me why I had done something the way I had. I had just walked in the building and was still on my break and I kind of felt backed into a corner because the question was coming at me so quickly. I immediately reverted back to my usual response of defense. I said, "nothing I would have do there would have been right!" This was not the right thing to say. I have just been so used to responding that way for so long that the response was just ingrained.

I apologized over and over again and felt sick for putting us back where we were instead of making progress toward resolution. You can only apologize so much. Words are empty without action so I have made a resolve to always think before I respond. I am going to show my efforts instead of talk about them. It is time to get things right.

I prayed about this and put it into Gods hands because beyond the efforts I am going to make to change, what control do I have? It is out of my hands if she doesn't accept my apology. I am only going to worry about the things I can control instead of the things I can't.

So for day 33, I accomplished the following:

No drinking
No smoking
No Dating
No lying

Changes:

God is reminding me every day that He is in complete control. I was talking to my mom yesterday and thought about Gods plans for our lives. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what His plans for you are. I am living today, not tomorrow, today. As long as I can put my trust in Him everyday, then He is the one guiding my actions and thoughts. That is his plan. And when I am in Christ, He always works out my mistakes.

Day 32: God's Got This

Today is bittersweet. It is the last day I have to work the closing shift. I am glad to be done with it but at the same time, I am not all that excited about going back to mornings. It is just another schedule change. I must begin working with my boss again. I am sure it will be fine because I put the situation into Gods hands.

I went to the gym today and weighed myself on the professional scale. I have finally broke 200lbs! I am 199. That gave me a boost of energy so I had a great workout today. I am loving the way I feel and the fact that I sleep well. I am just enjoying this experience. Today as I was walking out the door to go to the gym, my buddy stopped me and asked how I was doing. I could tell by his tone that this wasn't just a question you ask in passing. He was truly asking how I was. I just began to pour out this journey to him and told him how I am beginning to feel. Besides all the positive things, I began to pour out my struggles. I realized during this conversation that I was beginning to bury those struggles and not sharing them was hurting me.

He continued to listen and as he encouraged me and listened I kept thinking about how I could encourage him back. I was about to get in my car after sharing a bit with each other and he stopped me. He said, "I see that you are about to go to the gym but I want to pray with you first."

I feel so blessed to have people that are willing to pray for me and care about me. I don't understand why God cares about me so much to answer my prayers. This morning I prayed that God would show me what to do and he sent this friend at just the right time to pick me back up.

So when I got back home I went for a run. At the end of the run I asked God to speak to me. He told me once again, "Josh, I've got this. I will be with you." I still don't want to know why God cares for me so much but I know that He has got my life in my hands. I am still in this desert and I am still wondering aimlessly but I am no longer doing it alone. God's got this.

So for Day 32, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
P90x Diet and exercise
No Lying
No Dates

Changes:

God is melting my selfishness away. I am learning that I cannot survive not even one day without His guidance. I have a connection that I have never had before. I know that there is no obstacle to great for me to overcome and I know God is with me. When I encounter struggles I look at them differently. "This too shall pass." Learn and grow.

I want so much to be the person I was made to be, and I hope to find who that is on this journey. I still have so much work to do and will always be working on myself, but now I know that I am making true progress in discovering who God intended Josh to be.

As I am writing this, I am overcome by the Spirit of God and feel empowered. Tears are streaming down my face because I have accepted Gods'  Amazing Grace.

Day 31: Pray for Me

Today I woke up with intestinal issues. I haven't felt that good all day and I was extremely tired and sore. I laid around most of the day, read my Bible, and decided not to work out. I have been hitting it doubly hard and am going today's P90x tomorrow and skip tomorrows (yoga). I have been frustrated with things at work lately and need to just hand it to God.

I am reading Chronicles and it is describing the life of David and I thought I had read it already but didn't know that the Bible gave multiple accounts of David. Samuel and Chronicles both describe his life. Reading consumes a lot of my time and my life. I have put my studies on the back burner and I need to get back into the rhythm of studying regularly. I am going to start tomorrow. I am going to have to wake up early and study. My schedule is shifting back to mornings and I think that will be good for me and the progress of my journey. I need to finish this class and begin the next journey.

So for day 31, I accomplished the following:

No Drinking
No Smoking
No Lying
No Dating
P90x Diet

Changes:

I am down to 202 lbs. I have been trying to get under 200 for like three weeks now but it seems like I am finally overcoming the plateau. I look forward to being under 200 but according to the BMI, I am still considered obese by traditional standards. I will mame whoever invented that "healthy" scale.

Pray for me friends. I am going to have to go through some trials the next few days. I have to have your support in this. I am having discussions with my boss about work and am getting checked off for my new closing shift. Once I am approved, I will get a raise and I need to get checked off. But like I said, I God to do it.